TW for sh and self-hatred
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i hated jimmy. at least, i thought i did. i never knew how to put it into words, and i still don't. i really liked him at first and he was cute, but he got in the way. he got in the way of everything. he was everything i thought about, even when i was with zach. it was always jimmy this, jimmy that. it was infuriating. and him having the role of romeo didn't help a damn thing.
me and zach both tried to convince ms. gold and mr. harding to switch zach's and jimmy's role, but they refused to. they always said stupid shit about jimmy earning the role. it wasn't fair, zach worked hard on his audition just for it to be tossed to the side the day of auditions because of some dork that decided he wanted to be a part of drama club. jimmy never even read shakespeare before then!
i tried to condition myself to associate jimmy with bad feelings so i would stop thinking about him so much, but i always got butterflies in my stomach whenever i did think of him. just the mention of his name made my heart beat faster in my chest. the only other person that could do that was zach, and jimmy was not on the same level as zach. zach was my priority, he was my boyfriend. not jimmy.
"you stupid fucking whore," i spat at myself in the mirror of the theatre bathroom, already starting to cry. it was after midnight, and i was probably crazy from not being able sleep since i had no bed or blankets. "zach is your boyfriend. stop thinking about jimmy." i sobbed and started hitting the side of my head with the boney part of my palm. "stop- fucking- thinking- about- him- dammit!" i clenched the sides of my head let myself crumble up on the ground to just cry, my head throbbing.
i cried for hours, quite literally until the sun came up. i hated myself, more than anything i've ever hated before. and, writing this, i realise i have never hated myself as much as i have since i've met zach. he made me realise every little detail about myself i dislike, and he made that dislike turn into pure hatred. i hate everything about me now because of him.
and it was never jimmy i hated.
it was me.
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𓈊 Petal's Diary
Fiksi Penggemar*COMPLETED* An insider into APBAON!Scott's mind and his side of the story. Please read A Poppy By Any Other Name first before reading this. *** Lowercases are intentional! *** This work belongs to me, @bumblvee, and only me. I reserve the right to...
