Dil Sambhal Jaa Zara (MoRan FF) ✔️

Sedatives

●● KARAN●●

I told her that I hate her without any reason but that is not true her face reminds me of betrayal and deception everytime I see it. It makes me think of the love that never existed, love that snatched away almost everything from me, love that tainted my reputation… I want to forget it… I want to leave everything behind and move on… I want to trust people again but whenever I try to do it I hesitate, not wanting to go through the process of losing myself again… because this time it will be really very difficult for me to stand back again. The people who I blind trusted once, I doubt their actions also sometimes… She made living so much difficult for me while she passed away, got freed from the pain living brings..

****

The next two weeks passed normally with training. The cadets this year are diligent and have been working well and progressing. I lie down on my bed to catch some sleep, a daily try to sleep without sleeping pills before giving in to those sedatives. I open my drawer after the regular exercise only to find out the bottle of sleeping pills empty… I immediately make a call to my doctor if I could see him… It was still 9 pm and he used to open his clinic till 10:30 pm but he said he was out of town. I could get a repeat written from any qualified psychiatrist. Finding a psychiatrist at this hour would be a difficult task hence I immediately dial out to Faizi.

“Hello Faizi, tu kisi ache psychiatrist ko jaanta hai kya…??”(Do you know a good psychiatrist..??) I ask him only to get a no in return.
He calls me back after 5 minutes reminding me of Monami. Despite knowing my fear, he suggested me this… I know he wants me to face my demons but this…

I search for psychiatrists on internet but am unable to find one near me.. After almost 30 minutes of struggle I decide to take Monami’s help… someone who has been avoiding me as much as possible in the past 2 weeks, and I am glad she was.. She was the person I would want my paths to cross the least... but today I am going to go to her on my own.. Several what ifffs like what if she is asleep, what if after knowing its me she doesn’t open the door, what if she shuts the door on my face etc are crossing my mind..

After mustering a lot of courage to see her and fight not only her but also myself I check on the register which room she has been allotted and start walking towards it.. Sucking in a sharp breath I knock the door… and without asking who is there, she opens it…
Her face gives off look of confused, angry and some other non-readable expressions.

“I am sorry for disturbing you…” I speak up after sometime warming the cold air between us or maybe not.

“I am sure it is something important otherwise you surely won’t have taken the pain of coming to room of someone you hate without any specific reasons…” she speaks..

I hesitantly forward my prescription to her… “Could you please write a repeat on this and sign it…??”

She opens the prescription and reads it with a poker face like a professional..

“You need me to get sedatives for yourself…???” She finally speaks up after scanning the prescription…

“Yes.”

“But these pills should have lasted a week more…” She is a good doctor.

“I actually had trouble sleeping so I took two on few days..”

“A week out of four weeks i.e one by four is actually quite less… maybe that is why you didn’t go to your doctor…”

“He is out of town actually…”

“Maybe that is why he didn’t read into it too much… Sorry but I think your doctor should only write your medicines because without knowing patient history it would be unethical for me…”

“Monami…”

“I hope you don’t abuse your power…” she refrains me from doing what I was about to do with her words…

“Between I also act as a psychologist for my patients so if you need counselling, you can definitely come to me… only if you trust me atleast 1% because I know trust building is a time taking activity even for a patient on its doctor but there must be some initial threshold. “With this she shuts the door on my face…

***
Trusting her meant trusting that face again even if as a doctor though the patient- doctor privacy policy, academy contract will be saving me but all this was still too difficult.

I call up Faizi to take his advice despite knowing what his answer would be… He always wanted me to go to a psychologist rather than a psychiatrist…

“Monami ne dawai nahi likhi…” (Monami didn’t write the medicine)

“Kyun..??” (Why..??) He questions me from the other side of the phone..

“Kyunki maine 28 days ki dawai 21 days mein khatam kar li… toh ek aise patient jisne apni medications ke saath gadbad ki hai aur jiski usko history nahi pata uske liye dawai likhna galat hoga… par mereko samajh nahi aaya kyun…” (Because I finished medicines prescribed for 28 days in 21 days hence it would be wrong of her to prescribe medicines to a patient who has not be following the medicine routine and his history is unknown to her.. but I don’t get it why..)

“I think who sahi hai yahaan Karan…” (I think she is right Karan)

“Usne mereko yeh bhi bola hai ki woh kabhi kabhi psychologist waale kaam bhi kar sakti hai… usme mujhe..” (She told me that she is a psychologist to some of her patients also) I add in a low tone a voice in which he would have asked me to repeat but this time he heard me in on go..

“Karan mujhe lagta hai tujhe yeh mauka nahi chhodna chahiye.. matlab jiss chehere ne dukh diya wahi heal karega…” (Karan I think you should not leave this opportunity I mean the face that damaged you will heal you..)

I pause… something in me triggers…

“I am sorry Karan I didn’t mean to… I am really sorry I just didn’t realise” Faizi speaks after not hearing for long from me…

“It was cringe” with this I cut the call.

I have been rigid for not going to the therapist but today something in me compelled something in me forced me to call Faizi and tell him the details despite knowing his answer. It wanted me to take a push from Faizi. When the universe is actually strategizing for making me meet her, I should. Maybe the universe loves her and knows she doesn’t deserve unnecessary hate for something she didn’t do and wants to protect her. I don’t know. With this exhaustion… I feel drowsy and go to sleep without sleeping pills after a long time.

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