Dil Sambhal Jaa Zara (MoRan FF) ✔️

Decision

● Monami ●

Karan told me that it was my face and name that has been responsible for his panic attacks. It was me but not me who pushed him into this, the reason he got his insomnia, nightmares.

It shakes me.

It makes ne feel guilty with no fault of mine.

Maybe not knowing the reason of his hatred was much better.

This is painful.

My worst fears have come true and I don't know what all it holds.

What painful memories he is reminded of on seeing me I am not aware.

Am I ready to know?

Can I continue with his therapy?

Would I be able to deal with it?

A lot of questions are running in my mind without any answer.

I try to fall asleep with, changing sides every half a minute but fail miserably.

I think I need some sedatives myself but I don't have them.

Should I ask from Karan ?

Am I ready to meet him again so soon ?

I decide against it because I am definitely not ready to face his questions on why am I not able to sleep and send him another guilt trip of opening up to me even if it was by mistake.

I am his therapist and these facts had to come in front of me one day so the sooner the better.

Next day I wake up tired because I only managed to grab 2 hours of sleep.

I reach the training ground late and am punished with 10 rounds of the ground. After finishing the morning training and the rounds I reach late for the breakfast where I manage to grab only the remnants of the food.

Late evening I reach my room after spending the exhausting day of classes. I immediately change and am about to grab the sheets and go to sleep because I am both physically and mentally so tired that I groan aloud and decide to ignore it.

The knocking gets louder.

Why the hell the person knocking doesn't understand that if a person is not opening the door means she is sleeping or resting.

I kick the sheets off and open the door...

"Agar koi darwaza nahi khol raha hai toh iska matlab hai woh araam kar raha hai" (If someone is not opening the door it means that the person is resting) I snap immediately before even looking at the face.

"I am sorry" Karan speaks.

"Karan tum... I mean Sir aap.." (Karan you I mean Sir you)

"Sir bulane ki zaroorat nahi hai we are off ground right now." (No need to call Sir as we are off ground right now)

"Yahaan kisliye...??" (Why are you here?)

"Tumhari tabiyat poochhne aaya tha.. subah ground par bhi tum late thi... breakfast bhi theek se nahi kiya... aur class mein bhi exhausted lag rahi thi... aur abhi bhi bhadak rahi ho." (I came here to ask about your health you were late for training, you didn't have proper breakfast and you were even late for class and now also you are getting angry)

"Karan kya tum yeh sawaal apne har exhausted lag rahe cadet se poochhte ho?"  (Karan do you ask similar question to all your cadets who look exhausted.)

"Monami tum sirf meri cadet nahi ho meri doctor bhi ho... aur kal maine tumhare saamne kuchh aisi baatein boli thi jo tumhe exhaust kar sakti thi... tumhare aisa dikhne ki wajah shayad main hoon... isiliye tumhara haal poochhne aaya tha..." (Monami you are not just my cadet but also my doctor and yesterday I spoke somethings in front of you which could exhaust you... I maybe the reason behind you looking so exhausted hence I came to ask you)

"Karan honestly iss waqt sirf mujhe sone ki bahut zaroorat hai.. aur main wahi karna chahti hoon aur karne bhi jaa rahi thi.." (Karan honestly at this hour I just need to sleep badly which I want to do and am going to do)

"Tum apna dhyaan rakhna. Good night. Main chalta hoon. Bye." (Take Care)

"Sure. Thank you. Bye."

As soon as he leaves I shut the door.

I think he noticed me shutting the door hurriedly.

Nevermind none of my concern. He should understand I was in no mood of entertaining him.

I lie down again but the sleep is now vanished and overthinking about continuing with Karan's sessions, the pain I must have unknowingly given to him in past, how he came back a minutes before to ask about me clouds my thoughts once again.

I really need to sleep otherwise I will look like a zombie the next day.

After thinking for about another half and hour, doing a guided meditation for sleep I decide to actually get a sleeping pill.

I asked for the nearest pharmacy from one of the agents lying that the medicines I wanted were not available in the indoor pharmacy while the truth is I didn't even check because I was kind of sure they won't sell the sleeping pills.

After another half an hour, I am here standing on Karan's door to grab a pill or two because the pharmacy had run out of it. 

I knock once, twice and just as I about to turn to leave he opens the door.

"I thought you were going to sleep.."

"Yes I was until you showed up."

"Sorry?"

"You should be."

"Why?" He scrunches in nose...

"Nevermind. I was asking if you could give me a sleeping pill because I really need rest but my brain is not ready to shut down.."

"So you are at my door to get sleeping pills. Looks like dèja vu."

"Regrets informing you this is not called dèja vu. Also as your therapist nice to know that you have a side of bad humour also."

"Have you still not decided to quit as my therapist...??"

"Did you tell me the story so that I quit... your opening up was not a mistake?"

"I earlier didn't think it will be hard for you but looking at your condition today... It feels like it was very difficult for you... I don't think I would like that my opening up makes you seek a therapist yourself."

"Karan I will decide and let you know.. I am still not sure... but one thing I know is if I stop you will not find another therapist for yourself. You decided to become my patient because of the two layers protection and the fact that you can keep my diagnosis with you.. other places you will not get that freedom. Also if you are spotted visiting a therapist someone can pose a threat to your career by twisting the facts."

"Are you trying to tell me how capable of a therapist you are and how much you have read me?"

"No. I think I revealed too much..." I walk out.

On reaching the room I realise that I have come back empty handed.

I decide on continuing to be Karan's therapist even if it is hard on me because it feels like a way of lessening my guilt and may be rectify things I did to him just by existing.

I know there is no point of having this guilt but what do I do when I still have it.

I lie down and making a single decision which I don't regret right now, maybe in the future... helps me get into a deep slumber of sleep.

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