The Light of Midnight (BxB)

Chapter 32

I woke up having a severe headache from last night's happening. Everything is not that vivid to me, but I know for a fact that I said things that I am going to regret now. 

But that feeling never came.

I stare blankly at the ceiling. Everyone is still asleep even when it is already past ten in the morning. I glance at the person beside me and saw that peaceful face of Dexter sleeping. I'm not surprised tho. After everything that I said, I know that River will not sleep beside me. 

Nanatili ang mga mata ko sa kung nasaan ito mula pa kanina. Nakatingin lang ako sa kawalan at hinahanap 'yung pakiramdam ng pagsisisi sa lahat ng mga sinabi ko. Pero kahit anong isip ang gawin ko ay wala talaga. 

It only came when I saw River who's now sitting in the near bed. Our eyes met, but he immediately withdraw from that. Hindi ko naman siya masisisi sa kung ano ang nararamdaman niya ngayon.

"How's your sleep?" I whisper right after I sat on the edge of the bed. 

"It's okay." Tipid niya na sagot. "I'll go with Inno's car sa pag-uwi. Susulutin ko lang." Aniya saka ito ngumiti ng tipid. 


Tinatahak na namin ang daan pauwi ng bahay, at gaya nga ng gusto ni River ay hindi siya ang kasama ko ngayon. Si Dexter lang na nasa passenger seat ang narito at mahimbing muli na natutulog.

Matapos ang huling pag-uusap namin ni River ay hindi na ito nasundan pa. Naging mas mailap ito sa 'kin na kahit ang tingin ay hindi na niya ibinibigay. Wala naman akong balak na tutulan siya sa mga gusto niya lalo pa na sa kaniya na rin naman nanggaling na mas makakatulong ito sa kaniya. 

"We're here, Dexter." Paggising ko sa tao na nasa tabi ko. I suggested na sila na ang maunang umuwi dahil hindi na rin naman na sila magtatagal sa hotel. Mag-aayos lang sila ng gamit at tutulak na rin pa-Manila dahil baka gabihin pa sila ng byahe.

"Bye, guys. Dalaw ulit kayo kung may oras." I said to all of them. 

"Thank you, Pierre. Ingatan mo si River." Si Inno bago ito nakipag-apir sa akin. Para namang kailangan pang ipaalala sa 'kin iyon. Tinanguan ko lang ito at bumaling na sa iba naming kasama. Nagpaalam na rin ang mga ito sa 'kin pati na rin kay River na halata ang lungkot. 

"Ingat kayo, sa susunod ulit." Saka niya isa-isang niyakap ang mga kaibigan niya. 


We are now on our way home. River is now on the passenger seat. Humming the music on the stereo while looking at the view outside. Simula nang makaalis kami sa resort hanggang sa maihatid namin ang mga kaibigan niya at ngayon na nasa iisang sasakyan nalang kami ay hindi na kami muling nakapag-usap. Hindi ko rin naman alam kung ano ang dapat ko na sabihin kaya minamabuti ko nalang din na tumahimik at hindi nalang magtanong ng kahit ano. 

Kaya lang hindi ko alam. Parang kusa nalang bumuka ang bibig ko at nagsalita. "You and Inno, kayo ba?" I asked him out of nowhere. 

"No. He's my best friend, Pierre." 

"I see. When's the start of your treatment by the way?" 

"Next week, Monday. Mommy and Daddy will come by the weekend and they'll stay here with me until I finished it. You can go home na, Pierre. I'll pay you nalang for all the time you spent taking care of me." 

"Aalis lang ako kapag magaling ka na. Besides, you and your parents don't know the place. Who's gonna go with you for the treatment? Who will drive when there's an emergency? Isa pa ang magulang mo ang nagpapunta sa 'kin dito at desisyon ko kung bakit gusto ko na samahan ka."

"Aren't we living in the generation where everything is a click away? We have driver anyway. We can hire maids too..." 

"Just stop, River. We've had enough fight, don't make a big deal out of this. Kung ayaw mo akong nakakasama then, I'll stay away from you. I'll sleep outside. I'll only talk when needed. Huwag mo lang akong paalisin dahil gusto kitang matulungan."

Hindi nakarinig ng tugon mula sa kaniya. Nanatili nalang kaming tahimik hanggang sa makauwi kami sa bahay.


Nanatili ang mga mata ko sa daan at nang makarating kami ay hindi ko inaasahan na makita siya sa ganitong panahon at oras. Naghihintay sa labas ng bahay at nakatingin kung saan. 

"Thamarra." I whisper the moment I went out of the car. Our last encounters isn't as nice as I want it to be, but I chose to just ignore it. She's drunk and maybe one of the reasons she did that to me is because of what I did to her. I know that it is wrong, but we've had enough good memories and that one mistake that she did will not sum up all the times we had together. 

"Hi, Pierre." At ngumiti ito. "I have a project nearby so I ask Engineer Thiago for the location of your house." 

"Ikaw lang mag-isa?" 

"Yes." 

"Tara sa loob. Ayusin ko lang 'yung mga gamit namin ni River." 

"No need, Pierre. Asikasuhin mo na siya, ako na bahala sa mga ito." Sabay kuha niya ng mga bag na nasa likod lang ng sasakyan. 

"I'll help. Magpahinga ka na sa loob dahil mahaba ang bin'yahe natin. Ako na ang bahala rito." 

"Huwag mo akong gawing lumpo. Kaya ko ang mga ito."

Hindi na ako nakipagtalo pa at ibinukas nalang ang gate ng garahe at ipinarada na ang sasakyan habang si Thamarra ay naghihintay sa teresa ng bahay at si River ay nasa loob na. 

"Kumusta ka, Tham?" Tanong ko rito matapos namin maupo sa sofa sa sala ng bahay. "It's been a while." 

"I'm okay, Pierre. I am doing good. Ikaw? Kumusta si River? Hindi ko naitanong kanina dahil biglaan ang pagpasok ng bahay." 

"I'm okay and River's okay. Sa susunod na linggo na ang simula ng treatment niya." 

"That's good to hear." 

"By the way, anything you want to eat? Dito ka na magdinner." 

"No. I have a date tonight. I'm just stopping by para kumustahin ka."

"Really? Ipakilala mo naman!" Then I chuckle. 

"Yeah, soon. Let's set a date." 

We talk for a bit more until the sun sets. She waved goodbye to me and send her regards to River who spent the rest of the afternoon in our bedroom. 

"Take care, Tham. See you soon." 

I went inside and saw River just staring blankly at me while holding a glass of water on his right arm. 


"I'm sorry natagalan ang kwentuhan namin. Ano ang gusto mong kainin? Lulutin ko sandali." 

"Nagpa-deliver na ako. Alam kong pagod ka rin." 

"Thank you, but you know that there are foods that's bad for you right?" 

"I already ordered it, Pierre. Wala ka nang magagawa." 

"Paano ka gagaling niyang kung hindi ka marunong sumunod?" I asked him as I am now walking towards him. He immediately went to counter top because he knows where I am going. 

"Just this time. Magsisimula naman na ang treatment ko next week. Mas lalo akong mahihirapan sa mga pagkain no'n." 

"Ang tigas ng ulo mo, River. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ka pa rin nagbabago!" Saka ko ito inirapan. Gusto kong maramdaman niya na nagmamalasakit ako sa kaniya kaya hangga't maari ay kailangan talaga namin na sundin kung ano 'yung mga dapat na gawin. "Paglulutuan kita at iyon ang kakainin mo hindi 'yung kung ano-ano na nabibili d'yan. Baka nakakalimutan mo na may sakit ka?" 

"Then go fuck yourself, Pierre. Stop telling me what to fucking do! I am tired doing what others want me to. I am tired of people like you, people who never stops controlling me."

"Kahit kailan ay hindi ko gusto na kontrolin ka. Ikaw lang ang iniisip ko, River." 

"I told you to stop, Pierre! I'm so tired of facing the mistake that I did from the past twelve years. Pagod na pagod na ako, Pierre. Alam ko na wala naman na talaga tayo. That I already lost my chance on having you again. Kaya lang hindi ko mapigilan na umasa. Lalo pa sa mga nangyari kagabi. Now tell me how can I stop this shit that I am feeling towards you when you're always like this?" After saying that, I saw a tear fell down his eyes.

I am lost of words. I never regret all the things I said, but I regret how I made him feel. Am I really going beyond everything just like what I did back when we were still in college? Is it really too much?

Well he's not going to be like this if I wasn't. I am still confused. Everything that's happening is really unclear for me, even what I am feeling. The only thing I am certain is the fact that I am jealous of Inno, but I know not to the extent where my feelings are coming back for, River.

Or maybe I am wrong? That all this time it is always here. I don't know. I don't fucking know...

"I don't know what to say, River. I'm really sorry." The only words I uttered. Before I head inside our room.

We really had enough of today.


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Hi! Been a while since the last time I updated. There are still personal stuffs that I am dealing with so I don't know the exact date for the next update. I'll make bawi when everything's okay. Hope this will do for now. 

Thank you, take care!