I woke up without the sun rising. I looked at the man beside me and saw how peaceful he's sleeping. Looking back, I can still remember how I chased him and all the things I did for him. And by that, an unexpected smile came from me. Right now, I can't still find any answer to all his questions.
How can I stop this shit that I am feeling towards you when you're always like this?
Paano nga ba? Paano ko ba dapat pakitunguhan 'yung isang bagay na mas lalong nagpapahirap sa kaniya?
Dapat na ba akong umalis at hayaan nalang siya sa kung ano ang gusto niya?
Siguro... Ewan...
Hindi ko yata kakayanin.
Nanatili akong nakatingin sa kaniya hanggang sa hindi ko namalayan na nakatulog na pala muli ako. Nagising nalang ako nang maramdaman ang dahan-dahan na paggalaw ng kama. Iminulat ko ang mga mata ko at nakita na dahan-dahan nang lumalabas ang araw sa dakong silangan.
"'Ver?"
"Did I wake you up? I'm sorry."
"No, it's okay. Are you okay? Where are you going?" I asked.
"I'm okay, Pierre. I'll just take a pee."
"Okay, 'Ver. Call me when you need help." Then I gave him a half-smile. "I'll prepare our breakfast. Sleep more, gigisingin nalang kita kapag handa na."
"Sige."
And that's what I did. Bumangon ako kaagad at dumating ang ilang minuto nang matapos na ako sa paghahanda ng pagkain namin. I came back to our room and saw him at the balcony, staring at the morning sun. I immediately get a sweater and gave it to him because he's just wearing an oversized t-shirt and a stripped pajama.
"Thank you."
"The breakfast is ready, let's go eat?"
"Mauna ka na, susunod nalang ako."
"It's fine. Let's both watch the sunrise, River."
We stayed like that until who knows how long. Parehas namin na payapang pinagmasdan ang sikat ng araw habang ang lamig ng hangin ay tumatama sa 'min.
"Pierre?"
"Hmmm?"
"Can you give me a eulogy just in case I did not make it?"
"Why are you saying that, River? You're going to make it. I always pray for that."
"Yes, I know. I'll fight, okay? Just in case lang. But do it when I am still alive. I won't talk, I just want to hear it before I passed."
"Okay, River. I'll do it." Kahit labag man sa kalooban ko ay pumayag ako, pero kahit kailan ay hindi ko paghahandaan iyon. Lalo pa dahil gustong-gusto ko na mabuhay siya.
"Thank you, Pierre."
Hindi ako tumugon. Ipinikit ko lang ang mga mata ko at hinayaan muli ang sarili na damhin ang lamig ng hangin at ang init na ibinibigay ng araw. It's so calm, and quiet, and peaceful. It feels like we are both alone in our own world. That even the silence that's with us is enough for me to feel contented and comfortable. Just like before.
Just like before...
"River."
"Pierre?"
I was about to say it. I will say it now. But something inside me doesn't want to. I can't. Not when I am still not so sure of myself.
"Let's eat. Mataas na ang sikat ng araw. Lumamig na rin ang pagkain.
"Is that it?"
"Y-yes."
BINABASA MO ANG
The Light of Midnight (BxB)
RomanceIllumination Series #3 (On going) River Valentino Alvaro came from a well-known family of politicians. He will always have the privilege of getting all the things he wants in his life, except a good and loving family. He always wondered what it was...
