𝗣𝗶𝗹𝗹𝗼𝘄 𝗧𝗮𝗹𝗸 ─── 𝗔𝗹𝗲𝘅 𝗧𝘂𝗿𝗻𝗲𝗿 ༄‧₊˚ (EDITING)

・𝟒𝟏

𝐩𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐲-𝐨𝐧𝐞

✦　　˚　　　　　*　　 　　✦ .　　 .˚ 　.　 ✦˚　　 　　.　　˚　　. ✦　　˚　.　˚　　　. ✦ 　　　.   　 　　　˚　　　　　*　　 　　✦

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AND WE WALKED OUT OF HIS PARENT'S house hand in hand. I was convinced that no force inside our universe would tear us apart. I like to remember the following events as a learning experience, rather than a dumb mistake a young version of myself made.

The drive through his street was calmly quiet. I replayed the occurrences in my head for the longest time, with no regrets yet. He drove me through his memories, without knowing that I would become one eventually.

In the hotel, his lifelong friends awaited with flashing smiles and a cake. I closed the door behind me and heard the union of their voices as they all sang my boyfriend a happy birthday.

His lips stretched into the widest, most genuine smile I had ever seen plastered on his face. This was the Alex I always chased behind, I thought. Not the cold-hearted version he displayed.

Nothing could make his smile fade away as he blew the candles out and everybody cheered, welcoming his 37th year on this earth. Amanda set the cake on the table and I walked up to Alex slowly.

"Happy Birthday, darling" I looked up at him and he pressed a kiss on my cheek.

"Thank you" He said wholeheartedly.

The way his mouth moved as the words left his mouth would then become a core memory inside my brain. That was one of the only times I genuinely saw a glimpse of who Alex Turner was.

Or at least what I thought he was.

That February morning will always follow me in every little thing I do. I recall the feeling of home. Not just Alex's L.A. home but his bed. After touring for a while, we'd finally gotten back.

His silky bedsheets grazed my bare body as my eyes flashed open. It didn't take me long to adjust my eyesight to the light, as waking up in that place was normal to me, so much so that I didn't have to put in any effort in remembering how I had managed to end up there.

The sun was warm, projecting beside me when he came into my view, lacking a shirt but overflowing with what I thought was contentment back then. He rested his head on the mattress at my side and followed my gaze up to the ceiling.

"Good morning, you" I whispered as I stretched my arms out. He hummed.

"Good morning to you too" His hands rested on his chest patiently. "I'll skip the whole 'how'd you sleep?' bit since I can already figure it out by how long it took you to wake up"

I giggled softly. "Yeah. And I'm still tired. I guess nine hours isn't enough" I shrugged my shoulders.

"Ten hours, El" He remarked and I nodded.

"Ten hours, right" I took a deep breath. The ceiling above us began to appear as if it was moving from how intensely I was staring.

Its bright color stretched out into several pieces. So many that some I couldn't distinguish. I scrambled them all out and once again attempted to keep my interactive mind back where it belonged.

I shifted my body to the side and soon enough he did the same. He stared me right in the face with a complex intention of studying me further. He proceeded to touch my bottom lip as his unknown intention lingered through me.

His mouth twitched doubtfully. The desire to speak up was eating him alive, I could tell. There was nothing I could but wait for what he wanted to say.

But he didn't quite speak it up. He grinned uncontrollably, shook his head, and I appeared to be experiencing an electrifying sentiment through his veins and bones.

"Elaine I love you"

The silence following that sentence was mortifying, jarring. I didn't flinch, I didn't even move an inch as the words echoed deeply through my mind.

"I didn't mean that, I'm sorry. I don't love you, and my intention wasn't to-"

I had to intercept him. Which of his words contained the truth? I thought that as I was got up from my back and clutched the bedsheets tightly.

I found myself in the same confusing, disorienting place he'd been in just a couple of seconds ago. I could not find the force in me that urged me to speak up.

And after searching for it through the loudest silence I had ever heard in my entire life, I found it when I could finally utter some words. Though they could barely be heard

"You don't... love me?"

"No I don't love you but I-"

"Save it"

It seemed outrageous to me that the house we'd built with our adoration for each other had just crumbled apart into millions and thousands of pieces, just because it never even existed to begin with.

It had all been a trick. An illusion. I allowed myself to fall into this deep, never ending hole. And now I wondered how I would ever get out.

My feet touched the ground as I picked my clothes from the floor, swallowing the upcoming tears. I motivated myself to not cry as my cold clothes went back on my body.

I tuned out Alex's pleadings by looking ahead and not into his eyes, because I knew that if I did, there would be no going back and my mistakes would be made again.

"Elaine, I'm asking you to just please-"

The door shut. It felt like the whole world's weight had just been placed on my back. I clutched the doorknob tightly to keep him from opening the door again. He struggled as I did too.

We both fought for something hopeless. Something that wouldn't be accepted by neither of us. But then came a point where I think we both came to the realization that our stubbornness would always keep us from being ourselves around each other.

Our stubbornness kept us from our own relationship, or whatever it was that he made me get trapped in. As that notion hit the both of us, I let go of my side of the doorknob, he did too.

I rested my head back on the closed door, my knees to my chest as his voice tingled in the back of my brain. Not his beggingu through the wooden material, but the beautiful speeches he gave me all the time.

I began doubting everything. Everything that had ever left his mouth. Nevertheless, I left. And I did look back.