BEFOREMATH (SJSM fanfic)

Seperation hurts

Suicide mention
Specimen 5:

I miss her.. the specimen 1s confirmed that she died, she's not here anymore.. and I miss her a lot..
I was still a little scared of her but she was my best friend ! She was really nice to me, and she even tried to help me start speaking English, she'd bring me things so I wouldn't be bored and to help deal with my stress.. but she's not here anymore and I don't know what to do, I want her back !!
The GLAs tried to hide it from me, I could tell something was wrong, some of them looked uneasy and akward and others seemed to be making fun of me

It's been over a year since she died, I still haven't gotten over it, and this isn't the first time I've lost someone so important to me, and you'd think I'd be over with it and used to both things by now, but I can't stop thinking about it, it hurts so much !! I don't know what's wrong with me but the hurt never stops ! It only gets worse.. I feel like such a crybaby for still being sad.. but I can't help it !! I'm sorry !! I just want them again !! I want them to hold me and tell me they love me and that it'll all be ok... But maybe I'm asking for too much, maybe I am being whiny.. I'm sorry..

I laid down and hugged my sword, I feel really sleepy.. I'm tired.. and I can hardly move, I just want to rest.. but I'm being haunted by bad dreams every time I want to sleep, I can never really get any rest.. I felt better in that weird church thing with those creepy cult members, at least they were sort of nice to me.
The only thing that brings me peace is knowing that 77 is getting punished for what she did to 1313, that's good, I hate 77, xe ruined everything !! Xe's the worst of them all, but at least no one will see 77 for a long time, and hopefully forever.
Unfortunately I can't use that to make myself fall asleep, I've tried before but I still end up waking up really scared..

I just.. want to hold my sword, well, it wasn't always mine.. it feels weird saying it's my sword honestly, but I just don't want people to know much about my past, I'm not comfortable enough to talk about it, so I just call it my sword.
He did say that when he passes or retires, the sword will be given to me to weild instead and that it'll be mine, but I still don't know how I feel saying it's all mine, it rightfully belongs to him, but this is what he wanted so.. I don't want to go against his wishes

If only they were here still.. maybe they could help me out of here, they're both stronger than I'll ever be, someone as emotional as me could never be that good.. they could break all of the specimen out and save us.. or if she was still here, she could make us happy..
Whatever.. this is my life now.. hopefully it's just temporary but I don't know why I'm still holding out for something good to happen, outside of 1313, nothing good has happened
I've already ran out of paper to draw on, I'm not allowed to draw on the walls, I can't tear off ny skin to draw on it either ( it's very similar to paper and it doesn't hurt, I don't see the problem ? ), So I just don't have anything to do, I can only lay here, suffer, and weep, I can only pretend this sword is one of them, hell, I've been pretending for so long that I've gaslit myself into thinking they're actually still here

None of the GLAs care for us at all, all they do is ask us random questions and hurt us in every way possible, they remind us of how we're monsters, we're not humans therefore we don't matter, they tell us that we're dangerous, they say they need to lock us up because we're evil, they call us all sorts of names.. but from what I know, a lot of us just want love and patience.. Specimen 6 is really the only morally questionable one ( at least I think so ? ), The GLAs are dangerous to humans too, they throw random inferior humans at us and do horrible things to them too and act like they're great people for doing all of this.
There's a girl named Spooky who basically runs this thing, she's a child but at the same time I'm so mad at her for letting this all go down, yet she never shows up to witness what they do..

They've taken the sword from me a few times for misbehaving like I'm some child, whenever they do that, my heart breaks more and more, it's like they took the last parts of them away from me, I've grown so attached to it that it almost feels like their souls are in the sword.. I don't want to lose them again, they know that sword means a lot to me but they don't care, they mock me sometimes when I start to cry over the sword..

I just want this to be over with.. I'd kill myself with the sword but I know that would hurt him a lot.. and I don't want to damage the sword or leave it behind if I do die.. I would break out but they have surprisingly good security..
I've tried attacking the GLAs, that always ends up with my sword taken away from me along with another punishment so I can learn to be " obedient ", but I'll never trust some humans in white coats unless it's her... If they don't have blue hair, pale skin, freckles, red eyes, lipstick, and speak  funny then I don't want them !!!