BEFOREMATH (SJSM fanfic)

Can I Still Trust You ?

Kanerek:

I don't know how to feel about his majesty wanting to call off the search for my cousin, and how he can be so rough with my children. He knows how important my family is to me, I know moving on is good, but.. it's not that I don't want to move on, it's just hard to accept that Tirsiak may be gone from my life forever... I know the king never really liked Tirsiak but he's made efforts to find them, he isn't that cruel, he knows how much I care.. but it also feels like he wants me to quit talking about them, he seems annoyed whenever I bring them up, and he reacts the same when I remind him not to play rough with my children, my kids have grown either agressive, fearful, or both towards him, which only seems to make more agressive as well. I'm not sure if I want to stay around him, maybe I should run off ? But maybe I'm overthinking things..

" Kanerek, dear.. "
" Hm.. ? " I turned to him, he looked serious now, " have you ever thought of starting a new tribe ? "
I slowly shook my head, the king chuckled and tapped his nails on the soil, " and yet you talk about how much you love to care for others.. especially your cousin and those animals you call " children " "
" They're not- " I tried to protest and tell him to refrain from reffering to me children as such, but he was quick to interrupt me, " and you're argumentative, a good ruler of a tribe must be able to voice their own thoughts over others- " yes. Clearly. " -and you cam clearly speak to and understand others well, you're very clever, why not try it ? Maybe, if by some chance your cousin is out there, maybe they'll join ? "
I shrugged and thought about it, I'm not sure if I'm in the healthiest mindset to try it, I want peace and love, yes, but I'm still grieving and unwell, a good ruler must also be stable..

I shook my head, the king raised a brow, then smirked, " are you thinking about how maybe Tirsiak wouldn't want to be in another tribe ? After all, they made special efforts to make everyone upset or angry, they were violent and would ruin everything, even my son could barely manage to better their behavior "
I flinched and immediately saddened, it's true that they had frequent meltdowns, but they tried their best to fit in, even with their parents running away from the tribe, it's hard to completely blame Tirsiak for how they turned out.
" ... M- maybe they just felt left out because- " " stop making up excuses for someone who probably neither remembers nor cares about you. Focus on the important matters, like your children, also known as the only family you still have left, you're beating a dead horse ! You're chasing after a comet !! " He yelled, poking his finger in my face, I felt myself shrink and back down immediately, closing my cloak.

The king sighed and rubbed his temples, " look- stop. Tirsiak is long gone, focus more on your pets- " " children... " - whatever. They need someone strong and witty to lead them, and you're just the being to do that, I'm even willing to help you out, you just need to be more confident in yourself "
I slowly nodded, " right.. "
" You don't have to start it right now, just take your time "
" Yes.. your majesty.. "
" Good. You can go now "
I bowed and teleported back to me children, they had just finished eating and were huddling together for warmth, at least there's something nice still out here.. I'm glad at least my children have found some comfort in each other.

There's also a group of corvids playing fetch with the more dog like ones such as the wolves and foxes, hm.. maybe I should try to adopt crows and ravens.. they're good hunters and very intelligent, a little unorthodox for someone of my kind to associate with airborne wildlife, but why not ?
I'll do it later, I do not wish to interrupt their playtime right now.

I rested my back against a tree and relaxed, looking up at the sky, the sun is slowly beggining to set, I remember how the wolves and other similar creatures of our tribe would howl to announce that it's either time to hunt, eat, or sleep, or to announce a game, it really depended on how many there were, the context, and how loud they'd be, I still remember it closely.
Two regular wolves howl for games
4 for either or would howl to announce hunting hours, they'd do this very softly in case any prey was close by, but loud enough so everyone would hear
One humanoid Wolf ( think of a werewolf, they're not all werewolves but there were varying kinds ) would howl, it sounded like a lovely song, this indicated time to rest.
5 loud howls were to announce eating, they were loud and intimidating to scare away anything we considered threatening from stealing our food.
Tirsiak had wanted to join in and try to learn how to howl, but they'd always be excluded, no one wanted to teach them so they tried teaching themself, others bullied them for sounding more like an owl, and despite my interventions, they continued.
I'd sometimes be out with them to watch them practice their howls and pouncing, they really were trying their best, and I'd try to comfort them when they cried, but outside of that, I never managed to be a big part of their life due to how busy I was..

I was sometimes busy taking care of others, I had always loved to take care of anything, especially young ones and those I'm close to, I can't bare to see those I love be hurt, and my want to protect and care only grew stronger when everyone and the tribe was lost.
I feel I may have gotten out of hand with how many children I've taken in, but I can't help it, I'd feel so terrible leaving them out there all alone, I know how it felt being alone, starving, and feeling so detached, I won't let them feel the way I and many others have, it was painful, it was torture, my parents and I had to sacrifice ourselves so whatever was left of our tribe could eat, I don't know where they are now, but I just hope they're alright, at least I still have my parents with me, even if they are one of many souls within my cloak. I, unfortunately, cannot speak to them.. becoming absorbed seems to have stripped them of their thinking process..

The only remains of my tribe that I know are still with me is the king, I've already mentioned how he can be, and that conversation we had.. didn't make things better, I'm afraid his hatred and ego may be taking over his mindset.. but I feel I'd be nothing without him.