BEFOREMATH (SJSM fanfic)

Crafty

Specimen 6:

I don't know why I hadn't thought of crafting games earlier honestly, playing chess alone or with one of my dolls is actually pretty fun, and roleplaying with them is also fun, even if it is childish of me to do but its one way of passing the time seeing as the lab assistants are coming around less often nowadays, that's a good thing, don't get me wrong, but also I'm just.. alone here with occasional visits from the ones, surprisingly though, they're willing to play with me sometimes

Whenever I play, I feel like a little kid again, it's a nice yet depressing feeling, it's sad being reminded that your happy times are gone now, and even though I'm reliving those feelings I had when I was younger, I still feel sort of.. unwell.. almost like goofing around hasn't completely made me forget of where I am and where I'll likely be for the rest of my existence, but I guess things could be worse ? They could experiment with me again, now all they do is ask me questions once every... Hm.. if my calendar is correct, then once every month, lovely..

I got that calendar from Sam after beating them in a game of Čovječe Ne Ljutise- ( Hey, reader, author here ! No we do not know the English name ) as a gift, it's oddly nice of one of them to do that but I won't complain, I've been through enough and I don't need more hell.

I wonder if maybe the other specimen would be interested in playing ? From what I've been told about the others, Specimen 5 probably would, maybe one of the Specimen 3s, too.

I set up a game of cards for me and 2 of my dolls, they were sat limp as their cards were laid out in front of them, sometimes I wish they were alive so I wouldn't have to move them around so much, and I'd have more company, but at least I have entertainment to keep me somewhat sane, hopefully I don't get tired of this... Ans hopefully no GLAs walk in on me doing this.

Actually.. now I wonder what my dolls would be like if they were alive.. would they be angry at me for what I did to turn them into dolls ? Would they make fun of me ? Would they be nice ?
I don't know, and.. I don't know if I like to think about it, it would be nice to have a proper conversation with one, but that is assuming that they don't react negatively to gaining sentience.
I'm thinking about this too much, I should stay focused.. my ability to focus has already been damaged enough

The card game went on for a while, I tried to find any way to make it as silly and entertaining as I possibly, like making one doll throw it's cards at one of us, making one of them very good at the game, or just finding silly reasons to make those two start bickering, it honestly just disolved into me roleplaying what can be described as a break up scene between them.
I don't even know how that happens anymore, I'll be trying to play one thing and then another thing just happens ! But I guess that is the beautity of creativity. And besides, making my dolls got Violent and argue is very fun, helpse release some stress

Oh, and the doll in the blue dress won most of the rounds of cards, I've never been good at card games so you'd think I'd try to pretend I am, especially since I made these cards and the rules of this game but no, I like this, it's quite funny, who's to say I can't be a loser even in my own fantasies or places where I can control most things ? I like to make fun of myself, that way no one can do it to me as effectively

I put the dolls and cards back and laid down, this has most defintely improved my mood, lately, playing has made me feel somewhat calmer, and I've managed to sleep sort of peacefully once, maybe I should've done this earlier, that might've saved some bits of my sanity, but I guess the fear of the lab assistants kept me from thinking rationally for a while, but now I'm in what can be described as a fantasy style psych ward where there can be people who hurt me but now they're less common.
I feel maybe I should be taking this more seriously, but now that I've been here for so long, I feel sort of desensitized ? I'm not sure but it's probably just some sort of coping mechanism

The specimen 1s say I remind them of a more tired version of Specimen 1 and they say we'd probably be friends and that he'd like to meet me, he's a comedian and likes to pull pranks, and I think that's sounds great !! I wish to meet him someday, a comedian prankster and someone who likes magic and goofing around sounds like the perfect duo, but I don't want to hold out hope, I've been dissapointed enough times now and I really don't need things to keep getting worse for me right now

I just stayed on the floor, staring at the ceiling and thinking.. how many more specimens are they going to keep bringing in ? And it they keep adding on, will they forget about us ?
I hope they do forget, but at the same time, the more specimen there are, the more things there'll be that they'll learn and more innocent beings they'll harm, and yes, I'm aware I'm guilty of it too, but just because I kill people doesn't mean I'm not aware that it's bad, but unlike me, they take pleasure in harming others and they'll keep them around just to feed their sick enjoyment of torture, they're all disgusting and if I could, I'd kill them all, apparently there's a new specimen and I'm worried what they're doing to do to this one, it's a deer god, so they have a lot on their hands, I just hope this newbie will be able to deal with them

And here I am.. having fun one second and then thinking of the unfairness and cruelty of this place.. fantastic. I really need to stop doing this if I want to actually get better sooner, if at all, I should be more focused on the fun stuff I can do..
I think that's enough for today though, I'm tired and I want to get used to sleeping regularly again, especially now that it seems my nightmares and insomnia aren't as common, that could be because I'm getting used to this place, or maybe my new little hobby is helping me, or both
Eitter way I'm out of service for the rest of the day