Chapter 19: Life changes

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TW: Talk of suicide

Callie's POV

It was now 8 PM on Monday and I was absolutely exhausted. My head was hurting from the seizure I had earlier and all I wanted was to go back to sleep. Lena came over to the couch and told me I needed to eat something. I walked to the table slowly and felt myself getting dizzy. I sat at the table and began slowly eating. I felt like I was going to get sick but I ignored it because I didn't want to listen to Stef or Lena. I was sick of everyone being concerned about me. Mariana began talking about steam club and I drowned her voice out. Silence overcame the table and everyone was staring at me. "Callie would you want to come to the competition on Saturday"? Mariana asked staring at me. I took a deep breath and for some reason I was enraged. I knew I had forgiven Mariana but at the same time I knew I was never going to get better. Suddenly I felt like I was in danger. I began having memories of being in Pearsons house and I had to defend myself and Jude. Everyone's face was blurry and I was struggling to remember where I was. My fists were clenched and then I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Jude. "Cal it is okay. We are safe, she just asked if you wanted to come to the competition for steam club on Saturday. It is okay if you don't want to go. I could stay here with you instead". I relaxed but I still was scared. I felt a tear roll down my face and I knew what a mistake I made. Never show you are scared. As my vision became clearer I saw Mariana staring at me and the feeling of anger came back. I stood up using Jude to steady myself and pushed the kitchen stool to the floor. "I am not scared of you, I never will be" I shouted pushing Jude behind me. Even if I was hurting my responsibility was to protect Jude. Stef came over to me and told me I needed to calm down. She was getting closer and closer and I was scared. I pushed her away and there was complete silence. "Callie do not put your hands on me or anyone in this family". She was serious and I did not care. I would do anything to avoid Jude being hurt. I walked over to her getting ready to defend myself when I felt myself fall to the floor with Jude on top of me. "Callie stop, do not hit them, you are okay and so am I". I looked over to him and felt like I was dizzy again. I looked around the room and Pearson wasn't there. That was when I realized what I had done. I put my hands on Stef. What if she was going to reverse my adoption now? I was terrified. I got up off the floor as quick as I could and walked to the stairs. My legs were shaking but I was determined to make it upstairs. I needed to get away from everyone. I successfully walked up the first few steps and when I went to take another step I slipped and fell down the rest of the stairs. Lena came running over grabbing onto me and telling me to stay still. I was worthless. I began crying and rested my head on her shoulder. "I just want to die. I hate myself and I am so sorry". I saw Lena's face soften and a tear roll down her cheek. "Oh Cal, you are not worthless, we are so happy you are now a part of this family and we love you so much. We will get through this, no matter how long it takes. I think you should stay home from school tomorrow and rest". I nodded my head and asked to walk to the couch with her. I slowly stood up and grabbed onto Lena's arm for support. We slowly walked to the couch and I immediately laid down and Lena placed a blanket on top of me kissing my forehead. I fell asleep and hoped I felt better tomorrow.

Lena's POV

After Callie was asleep I cleaned up the mess from dinner with the help of Stef and Jude. Jude finished the dishes and went to go upstairs before turning around. "Is this how it is going to be forever"? He asked with tears brimming in his eyes. "Oh honey, she will get better, she already made it this far, it is all about patience at this time". He nodded his head and I could tell he had something else to say. "I know it's just, sometimes she scares me". I was silent for a second before responding. "Oh Jude, she won't ever hurt you, she is scared as well and she just needs our support right now, trust me it will get better". He nodded once more and turned to go up the stairs. I turned to Stef and she was staring at me. "You know he is right. Sometimes Callie can be scary, she is unpredictable and I think we should look into some treatment. She needs help Lena". I was infuriated. Callie is fine, she will continue to get better she didn't need anymore treatment. I wanted her home and that's where she is going to be. I chose not to respond and I looked back to Stef and she had a look of remorse on her face. I turned around to see what she was looking at, it was Callie. Callie was crying and Stef opened her mouth to say something when Callie turned around and walked back to the couch. I could tell she wanted to go upstairs but she simply didn't have the energy. "Really Stef? Really?" I whispered. She looked at me and started to go to the living room when I stopped her. "I will handle this". I said, standing in front of her. Maybe everyone is right, maybe she will never get better than this. How long am I supposed to be able to handle this? I felt like I was a single parent. Having to care for everyone and just hoping for the best. I was exhausted and I just wanted the Callie we brought into our house back. The guarded girl with a sense of humor. The one who would protect her family even if it meant getting hurt herself. This is why all of this even happened in the first place. She was just trying to protect Mariana and now we never know if she will return to who she was. My heart was broken and there were times when I just wanted to walk away but I know how much this family needs me. But I am so tired.

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