Dear James

What Now?

Nylah POV

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I stood there, speechless. His words were almost choking me. I do need him. I can't imagine my life without him, but this situation is too delicate. I know I gave our daughter up but I did it for what seemed like a good thing at the time. I did it for him, it may seem idiotic but I did.

For years I tried to make sense if this whole thing but nothing ever came to my head. I wanted to tell Kaiden but every time I did I choked. Then Brandon came along and he made me forget about it, or at least pushed it to the back of my head. So then I vowed that I could never tell, but like Kaiden said, how do you keep that from somebody for so long?

We stood there for a while longer, pure silence. Kaiden looked at me with his eyes piercing straight through me. I feel so helpless at this point.

"Can you please just let me explain what I did," I looked down at my bare feet.

Without responding Kaiden went to sit at the dining room table. I took a deep breath and walked over to sit across from him. I didn't look up because I could feel him staring at me. I adjusted my tank top and the grey joggers I had on. What the hell am I going to say? I felt my eyes welled up with tears, I attempted to control it.

"Nylah," he called. I held my finger up, telling him to wait a second. I tried with everything not to cry but just thinking about Leah made me emotional. "what happened that summer?"

"Uh, I knew I was pregnant before graduation but I didn't tell anybody. I tried telling you a bunch of times but your were always with some girl or didn't have time so I told my parents alone," I paused. Reliving this moment scares me shitless and I never told anybody this story, I hate talking about it. "When I told them, they immediately insisted on me keeping her but I didn't want to. I knew I wouldn't be able to give her the life she rightfully deserved and try to go to school and have fun,so I went to Arizona." I shrugged. I wiped away a few tears and resumed to tell him the story. "I found a couple that wanted to adopt her and I went with it. A little after I decided on the couple I told Kim and she was supportive after she got over the fact that I wasn't gonna change my mind. I had her and within two days I gave her to the couple and I came home."

"Why didn't you tell me? Even when you got back you acted like everything was okay."

I pulled my hair back out of my face, that's a good question. "I guess it was because I knew you would hate me after. I mean, how could you even look at me the same after you knew. Plus, back in college you were going through your hoe phase." I said like it didn't even bother me, deep down I knew it did.

"I did not." I gave him the side eye letting him know that I wasn't buying the story he was giving me. "I didn't. I only had sex with girls that I thought I would have a long term relationship with."

"Exactly. You went to a lot of parties, even while I was there Kaiden. I know you

didn't know about the baby but we did have sex. I thought we were... more than friends after that."

"I mean I liked you Nylah yeah, but I thought it was just sex then. I knew I wanted you but I was only eighteen, I needed to expand my life and once I did I knew you were what I wanted."

"Am I still what you want?" Curiosity filled my body once he didn't respond quick enough to my liking. I got scared and I didn't know what to do once he lowered his head to look at the floor. "Wow," I got up from the table and went to the kitchen. I felt humiliated although it was just us two.