A Court of Stars and Memories

57. A Heavy Weight

    At those last words, all of Lysander's anger melted away, leaving only anxiety and self-loathing behind. That was it, wasn't it? He was never going to be good enough. He would never be enough. He hadn't been enough for his family. He hadn't been enough for Celeste. And now...he would never be enough for Mitsi.

    Lysander tried to speak but words wouldn't come. He couldn't shake his thoughts straight. They slammed into him at every turn, burning with cruel intensity. Not enough. Never enough. It's your fault. It's all your fault. She's right. Your fault.

    Celeste was still speaking, but he couldn't hear her over the thoughts in his head. Lysander squeezed his eyes shut and buried his hands in his hair. It was his fault and it always had been.

    He didn't give her the chance she deserved. He could've tried harder. He could've done better. This was his fault. He was alone and would always be alone because nothing he did was good enough. He would never deserve Mitsi. He would never be good enough for her.

    That female in his visions would never be named, because he could never accept her. She didn't deserve someone like him. Mitsi didn't deserve someone like him. Tears stung behind his eyelids but Lysander refused to let them fall. He blinked them away and found Celeste still glaring at him.

    "I wanted to make things better between us," Celeste hissed between gritted teeth. "I wanted to apologize and try to be friends again. But I can see now that you'll never try to understand my perspective. You'll never try to give me a chance. You are a selfish, single-minded male who thinks himself better than everyone else. I don't know what I ever saw in you."

    "Hey! Say another fucking word, Bitch! I fucking dare you!"

    Lysander flinched when someone touched his arm and drew him back. He was aware of Corbin dodging in front of him, wings flared and rage written across his features as he stared down at Celeste. If he said anything more, Lysander didn't hear it. He felt Nyx pulling him away and relented.

    "What happened?" Nyx asked when Corbin and Celeste were out of hearing distance. "We only heard the last bit." Lysander shook his head and tugged himself free of Nyx's grasp. "Lys, no. Talk to me."

    "You should get Corbin before he kills her," Lysander whispered. He threw himself in the air before Nyx could say anything more.

    Guilt chased him all the way back to Velaris. Lysander flew as quickly as he could until he reached his home. Just as he landed, Seren winnowed into view. He folded his wings close to his back and ignored his mother. "Lys, what's going on? Nyx reached out to me and said something happened in Windhaven. Something with Celeste."

    "Nothing. Go, please. I want to be alone."

    He stepped around her, but Seren caught his arm. "Not until I know you're all right."

    Lysander twisted out of her grasp. "I'm fine."

    "No you're not. You're shaking. What happened? If you don't want to tell me, just show me. Let me help, Sweetheart."

    Lysander shook his head and passed through the gates, closing them before Seren could follow. Her gaze darkened and she began to speak, but he'd already reset the wards and set off across the courtyard. Lysander ignored her worried shouts and entered the house. He made his way upstairs, not stopping until he reached his bedroom.

    For a moment, he paused in the middle of the room. His breath caught, and guilt and pain overwhelmed him, dragging out the tears he'd been fighting to hide. Lysander slumped to the floor, letting his wings go slack as he rested his head atop his knees.