A Court of Stars and Memories

3. Worthy of Incompletion

"Twenty-four years ago, I met and fell in love with a Peregryn," Lysander said, still staring at his drink. "She was, and still is, the only female I've ever actually fallen in love with."

"What happened?" Azalea urged.

Lysander drew a deep breath and exhaled slowly, attempting to gather his thoughts. "She had a fear of abandonment and trouble committing. We were together for almost two years after we first met, but I made a mistake. I told her that I loved her when she wasn't ready to be that committed to me. We ended our relationship and that was the end of it for a while."

That wasn't the full story. That wasn't nearly all of it, but he couldn't bring himself to tell Azalea the rest. How he'd been a love-blinded fool and let himself be used for sex and validation, never once questioning why his affection wasn't reciprocated like it should've been. He didn't tell her that after confessing his love for Celeste, she'd taken him to bed and then left him the next morning.

What was the point in sharing those details? It would only paint Celeste in a bad light, and he didn't want Azalea to only see the bad things about her. She had many good qualities too, though sometimes he had trouble reminding himself of that.

"For a while?" Azalea repeated. "So you got back together?"

Lysander nodded. "The necromancer Melantha came several months after we broke up. Venelia and my sister were two of the hostages she took. I was..." He tugged on the chain of the pendant that dangled from his neck, briefly closing his eyes. "It was a rough time. Celeste tried to help me through it. She also apologized for leaving me when she did and told me she wanted to try again. I agreed."

"Clearly it didn't work out."

"No, it didn't. I couldn't make myself trust her completely after we got back together. There were certain things she wanted that I couldn't give her, but she promised she'd give me time and I promised I'd give her the chance she deserved. For a while, we both kept our promises and things were good."

Lysander fell silent, but Azalea didn't push him to continue. She waited patiently while he raked his fingers through his hair, trying to piece together what to say and what to leave out. "Four years after we got back together, I decided I was ready to do the things she wanted. We were in the Dawn Court at the Peregryn training grounds at the time, and I went to find her so we could talk."

A knowing look crept into Azalea's silver eyes. "She didn't wait for you, did she?"

Lysander shook his head. "I caught her with another male and ended our relationship for good."

"And you haven't been in a relationship since because you can't bring yourself to trust anyone now?"

He nodded. "And because it just seems pointless. I tried going out multiple times with different females, all who caught my eye in different ways, but it never worked. Eventually, I decided that it wasn't worth attempting a relationship if I didn't really want one in the first place, and no female deserves to be stuck with a male who can't trust her, let alone give her the attention she deserves."

"So why is your family so worried about you having a relationship?"

Lysander simply shrugged. He knew their reasoning, but it was yet another thing he didn't want to admit. His family was worried that he was punishing himself for something.

They worried that he didn't feel worthy or capable of receiving love. They were worried that he wasn't able to make himself move on out of fear of being used again. And they were right. He just did everything in his power to make sure they were unaware of that.