My dove

Why do i get this life?|angst?

*Authors note~ feeling slightly angsty here so I thought I'd smash this one out while I'm in that mindset*

Trigger warnings~ hints at depression and anxiety with past trauma

Prompt~ iluvwomenxx on tumblr~ Hey not sure if this is how to request but could you maybe do a platonic lesso and student! based on bohemian rhapsody.
Specifically the lyrics mama i dont wanna die. Sometimes wish id never been born at all
thank you and i love your writing
and ur fics are always comforting ×
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Music, art and writing holds a power unlike no other. The ability to touch a soul with mer words or pictures, and to wield that power is a gift like no other. For you it was music, the lyrics often held a deeper meaning for you loved trying to puzzle it together. The lyrics from an old classic stuck with you the most, "mama I don't wanna die sometimes wish I'd never been born at all" could often be misinterpreted as depression or suicidal thoughts. But truly that couldn't be further from the truth. You related to these lyrics in a way you never wanted to.

Your life before the attending the school had been nothing short of horrid. And that was polite for what you went through. Leonora felt protective of you, you knew that from the moment she stopped you from sparring with Hester the moment you got a tiny burn compared to students she'd allowed come to mer inches of passing out from pain. The feeling of safety you felt with her was like nothing you'd ever experienced before so you found yourself opening up more and more to her.

You showed her your book that contained pages and pages of lyrics that you would look into and the ideas of hidden meanings would be neatly annotated in colour coordinated as well. You allowed her ask any questions that she may have. And she picked the very specific lines that just happened to be your favourite ones. With a small sigh you knew you'd should explain just why those lyrics had page after page dedicated to it.

The lyrics were truly about not being able to be yourself. And if you could've been yourself then what would your life had been? Would you have been happier then? What if the life you lived had just been one horrible bad dream? For you life had been cruel and that was just a fact. It started in your early years, parents who had accidentally conceived you and when you were born no longer wanted you. Perhaps you weren't enough, or maybe you just happened to be the worst thing to ever happen to them. Whatever the reason, it made growing up in such an environment the normal for you. Love was not something in your parents home or even in your life.

Lesso was no stranger to feeling unloved and truly she wished that was where all the abuse ended for you but that would be too easy. At the ripe age of 10 was the first time you were assaulted, not only were you in emotional and mental pain but now you had physical pain to join it. True pain can come in many forms but for someone who knows no different it just feels normal.

Since arriving at the school, you had been exposed to feelings and actions that were most unusual and unexpected. It made things all the more confusing and harder to accept. And you always came straight to Lesso, she would comfort and reassure you offering you the love and attention you truly deserved. Single handedly and unknowingly this women was healing your inner child.

Today was a bad day for you, plagued with memories of the past, and you had found yourself seeking the comfort of the Dean. Comfort she was more than happy to provide you with. Sometimes you would sit in silence, other times she would whisper words of love and care even offering some advice here and there. Less commonly you would rant away about anything bothering you. Today you decided to rant and she listened to everything you said so intently it made you feel seen and heard.

"Nora, why do I get given this life? What if I had a life where I was able to be me and happy? Would I feel love and be able to accept it more easily? You care for me and I truly do not understand why. Nora why is it so hard to be truly me?" You sobbed at the admission. Truly you just wanted to be you and for everyone to be okay with it. To be loved as who you are not who they wanted you to be. To be wanted and desired yet life never seemed to offer you that until you met her. It was platonic, that much was obvious, the love and care she gave very much like a mothers love. Yet she wasn't your mother, unfortunately so. Most people saw her to be unkind and uncaring but here and now in her arms as you sobbed all you saw was a woman who understood just how it feels to be used and uncared for. Someone who would protect her students from the same types of pain.

She held you while you sobbed reassuring you that you were enough as you, you were worthy of love and care and life had been unusually cruel to you but she has you now. You were safe with her and you always would be. No more harm would come to you without going through her. When joining the school it was hard to think you were terrified of this woman when deep down she held such a sweet loving heart, just one that had been battered, bruised and broken too many times. Just like yours. With Leonora's help, maybe you could learn to love yourself. The true you that lay buried deep behind your walls and scars.

Word count~ 1006