The Queen Of Spades

Chapter 2, Continued, Again

I didn't speak the entire way to the funeral, not when Nada asked what happened to my hair, not when Lizzy tried to talk to me, and not when Oliver asked me about the bloody scrapes showing through my tights. Then I didn't talk at all during the funerals because I knew that if I did I would cry, and I didn't cry because crying is a sign of weakness and I needed to feel strong. Instead I ran my hand through my hair, and bit my nails, and bounced my leg, and recited words of books in my head, and did everything I could not to scream. No one understood and no one ever would. No one would understand what it was like to feel trapped inside their own mind, to have to smile when they wanted to scream, to sit at the funerals of everyone in their family and just want to be with them again. I had no doubt in my mind that this was the hardest thing that I have ever done or will ever do. I've killed people before and the weight of that is nothing compared to the weight of having to bury your four year old brother, or your twin sister, or your parents.

Six funerals in one day, that has to be a world record. Once the funerals were over everyone walked back to the car, but I stayed behind. And it wasn't until I was sure that I was alone that I let the tears fall. "May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face. And the rains fall soft upon your fields" I whispered, my voice breaking, "and until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hand." I sat in the dirt and took my knife from my purse. Then, sticking the handle in the dirt, I dug the blade into my palm and cut my hand open. Then I let my hand bleed onto each of the gravestones, using my thumb to rub it in. When I was done I walked back to the car, wiping the tears from my face. While I was walking back to the car though, I saw something in the corner of my eye and spun around to see nothing. There was nothing there. I put the feeling aside and kept walking. It must've been the wind. I told myself. Then a thought that didn't come from me said: It wasn't the wind. There's something out there. I ignored it. Shut up Bex. I thought to the other voice.

The drive back to the house felt longer than the drive there, of course I counted how long it took in my head and knew it was the same length but emotionally, it was longer. I didn't want to go back to the house, I didn't want to go anywhere except home. Home wasn't in the cards though, so to Nada's house it was. There was nothing better to do so I stared out the window and watched the trees and houses go by, zoning out. I was snapped back to reality by Oliver asking "What happened to your hand La?"
"Nothing, it's fine." I said under my breath.
"Liar. You cut it at the cemetery." Lizzy chided, "I watched you."
"Why don't you mind your business Lizzy." I snapped at her. Then, looking at Oliver and Nada, "I'm fine"
"First of all, don't talk to Lizzy like that. You have no right." Nada told me, "And second of all, how and why did you cut yourself?"
"I don't see how it's any of your business what I do or don't do. But if you must know, yes, I cut myself. I put blood on the gravestones and said a blessing."
"Must you always pick a fight La." Oliver asked exasperatedly.
"Yea, I got it from my mother." I said very matter of factly as we pulled into the driveway. I got out of the car and walked inside to change my clothes. I hate dressing up. The whole "no pockets" thing is bad for business, and how are you supposed to fight someone if you're constantly worried about your dress coming up? I prefer a baggy hoodie and some jeans, it makes it way easier to blend in. Speaking of blending in, I wonder what my new cover story is going to be once I start school. Probably something boring like "normal girl who likes iced lattes and going to the mall with friends" or something cliche like that, it always is. That's how cover identities work, you blend in to your surroundings and be invisible. It's the whole spy thing.