The Queen Of Spades

Epilogue

Two years later, Gladwin, Michigan.

“Tell me about your week, Madelyn.” Dr. Grace said, taking a sip from her cherry flavored hot cocoa. It was her favorite flavor, I could never understand it. I thought it was disgusting, but she had a mug of it every week when I saw her.
“It was really good,” I smiled. “Amanda’s doing amazing in her self defense classes, and Finn’s pointing out colors every time we go anywhere.” I told her, remembering all the red pickup trucks he’d pointed out on the way to daycare yesterday.
“That’s great, Madelyn.” Dr. Grace smiled too. “What about you?”
I picked at a loose thread on my sweater as I answered. “I had a panic attack on Tuesday when I went to get Finn ready for preschool and he wasn’t in his bed. I did what you told me and it helped. I was able to calm down enough to get to the kitchen, to put an ice cube in my mouth. And Finn was in the kitchen with Gideon, eating breakfast.”
“So you were able to work through your panic attack? That’s really good news.” Her enthusiasm was genuine, and so was her approval. According to Dr. Grace, I ‘seek the approval of authority figures.’ She was right. I always had. For as long as I could remember, I wanted everyone to think I was the best. For them to love me. And it was never enough.
I nodded, and then frowned, “I had a fight with Gideon though. He said he wanted to take the kids to the pool over the summer, teach Finn to swim. I was scared. I have my thing with water, but I still didn’t want to miss something as monumental as this in my child's life. I just don’t think I’m ready to get back in the water yet. I’ve already missed so much of his firsts, you know?” I missed his first word, his first step, his first time rolling over. I missed his entire infanthood. There was no way I could miss any more.
“That’s normal, and understandable. Did you explain this to Gideon? Or did you just get mad?”
“I said some hurtful things, but we talked about it that night and I explained it to him. He understood and I apologized for what I had said.”
“That’s good. I’m glad you have someone like Gideon in your life, helping you through these things.”
“Yeah I got lucky, meeting him.”
“And how is he? How are you two?”
“He’s doing good, he got promoted at work actually. But I did have a question for you.”
“Oh, really?”
“I wanted to invite you to my graduation. I wouldn’t be here today without you and you're the closest thing to a "parent or guardian" that I've had these past two years. It’s okay if you can’t though.”
“I would love to watch you cross that stage and get your diploma. Send me an invite and I’ll mark my calendar, okay.”
A big smile stretched across my face, “I’ll send it to you as soon as I get home.”
“Have a good week, Madelyn.” Our sessions had gotten shorter over the past year, which I took as a good sign.
“You too, Dr. Grace.” I stood up, grabbing my purse, and left the therapist's office feeling good about the day. It wasn't a busy day, and tomorrow neither Gideon or I had work. And luckily, Finnegans daycare was a short walk from both the cafe that I worked at and my therapist so I was able to schedule my sessions so that I could grab Finn from daycare right after. I picked him up and we played hopscotch down the sidewalks until we got to my car. Gideon would be getting back to the apartment from the workshop in about a half hour which left me to pick Amanda up from school. She was in middle school now. Time flies fast when you’re not running for your life, apparently. “Come on Finn, let’s go get aunty.” I urged my son, who was chasing a butterfly. When he heard that he would be seeing his aunt, he got in his carseat and got buckled in record time. “Cad tá mé, ae mionghearrtha?” (What am I, chopped liver?) I joked.
“Maith thú a mhamaí.” He responded.
“I love you too, Finn.” His Irish was getting better and better.

Once we picked up Amanda we drove home, and Amanda went to do her homework while Finn looked at picture books until Gideon got home. When the door unlocked, I instinctively reached for the knife that I still kept always tucked in my waistband, but it was just my boyfriend. I knew that it would be, we hadn't had any trouble since we'd gotten here. "Hey, Lyn." Gideon said when he got inside, kissing my forehead like he always did when he came home, "I have something for you."
I smiled, "Oh really? What is it?" He took his hand from behind his back and held out a rose made of metal. "Oh my goodness, did you make this?" I asked him, delicately stroking one of the petals.
"I had some leftover scraps from a job I took and so I put them to use." He shrugged, handing it to me.
Standing up, I wrapped my arms around him in a hug. "I'll keep it forever, until the day I die." I whispered, still holding onto him.