Obey Me ~ Lucifer X Reader ~ Luci Tales

bbq sauce on my titties

"Siri...call Diavolo!"

"Calling dick smith"
"N..no...siri call DIAVOLO!"

"Calling daddy dickriding diavolo"

"Erhmm..."

"Wow Luci, you should probably quit riding busted horses and start finding some real action in AHS freak show, you know i hear even pet-"

"Y/n, no offence, although offence is certainly due...but i don't think i wanna take advice from someone whose entire mind and personality is every character from shameless" luci spat

"Sure sure...tell that to your haemorrhoids" i roll my eyes

"Fuck you!"

"Whats poppin slags"
Asmodeus strode in, hands in his hair, eyes on my ass.

"Not much, i am icing my tits"

"Why, did sophie suck the life out of them again?"

"No, she's on formula now, this is mammon's doing"

Luci screwed up his entire face

A bit of vomit leaked out of his mouth.

"So your back together then?" Asmo asked

"Yes, we are in fact, having a child bonds you for life" i stated confidently

"Yeah, thats called a trauma bond" luci retorted

I winced

"Psht, you say that as if you and pop eye have a perfect relationship. We all know diavolo is sick of your musty dusty ass and honestly...so am i"

I stood up, turning away from the two idle demons and took me and my icy tits to the kitchen.

"Yo!" Beel greeted me through gritted teeth

I suppose he did not like seeing my peppy peperoni nips on ice.

"Whats up beel?"

"Not much just eatin, smokin and listening to abhorrid amounts of yunggravy"

"Better that than..wait what?"

"Yeah...wanna hit?"

"Bitch a hit of what, a blunt or yung gravy's golden asshole?"

"Either or" beel shrugged.

"It was at this point i realised i had made a mistake walking into the kitchen because this was now occuring"

"Huh?"

"Oh sorry i didnt mean to say that out loud"

"I'll take both actually" i said shamefully

The weed hit me so hard in the third eye i could feeel my botoxed lips for the first time in seven years

(Pls help me i am addicted to cigarettes and sadness)

"Woah ya know i forgot i totally beat ur asss that one time" beel laughed

"Wait what?" I replied, visibly horrified

Images of my ginger child flashed before my very stoned eyes

"In a game...haha don't worry, i would rather inject soap into my veins than fuck you y/n"

"I dont know whether i should laugh or cry"

"With your mental load, i would suggest both"

"Yikes"

"Yeah.."

Beelzebub leant against the kitchen table and i suddenly became aware of the fact that he wasnt wearing pants.
He was like winnie the pooh and i was like whatever the opposite of that is.

"Jesus christ"

"You called?!"

A man strode in wearing a jetpack and a helmet...

"Jesus?...b..but your dead?"

"Everyone is here...technically..." jesus laughed nervously

"Wait wh-"

I was cut off

"But don't think i don't remember what you did on halloween you whore!" Jesus hissed, his eyes narrowing aggressively

"Damn..sorry about that" i murmured

"What did she do on halloween?" Beel asked

"Its a rather interesting series of events..." Jesus began

"I'm gonna have to stop you right there" i shout, grabbing jesus by his wrists

"How dare you!!"

"You asshole you rubbish ass lookin fuck!" I say as i drag jesus christ's ass thru the kitchen and into a darkened hall.

"I have returned beelzebub" sir edibles (asmo)  said as he strode into the kitchen, bags in hand...i had disapeared with jesus in my clutches just as he appeared.

"Hold tf up kyle!" I stopped and released the luxurious jesus from my grip

I returned to the kitchen, riddled with anxiety that he would follow or that beelzebub would gobble up the shit before i made it back to the kitchen which was inches away from my standing point.

(As i am writting this i just recieved an email, i have been rejected by another psychologist. Dear god, send help and prayers...or at the very least...rum)

(I just realised i never finished this chapter)