Obey Me ~ Lucifer X Reader ~ Luci Tales

the ranch

THIS STORY CONTAINS A GRANDMA, THIS GRANDMA IS SEPERATE FROM THE GRANDMA THAT WAS MENTIONED IN THE GREAT ATROLOGICAL MYSTERY WHOM HAD PASSED AWAY ON THE SHIT BROWN COUCH, SHE IS THE SECOND GRANDMA.
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"Pack your shit we're leavin"

Daddy Diavolo was shovelling suitcases in the back, guchi flip flops on his feet, toes out for the coyotes.

"Shake a tit sugar" Asmodeous called to his new date, Loey who was an absolute god send and my new best friend.

Loey and i had become fast friends, bonding over our mutual yet deeply repressed love for fried banana.

"Can we please not rush i have to pack all this baby shit" Mammon said

Mammon had been at the top of his game since Soph was born and honestly, why did i even need to be a mother when Mammon was practically mum, dad and aunty beverly all in one body.

He did literally everything and i did... well i fed her fried banana and sung her songs about sirens and bisexual pirates plundering for gold every night and before you say anything all my songs are rated G for good for babies.

"Where are we going again?" Beelzebub asked Belphie

"Our grandmothers ranch so she can meet Sophie" Luci replied as Belph was snoozin

"Please lawd have mercy" Satan was praying for the first time in his life knowing this journey would be god awful just like all the others.

With a yo and a ho and a fuck tone of complaining the boys had hauled their shit into the back of the jeep and away we went...little did i know my fucking life would take a turn for the worst.

(I mean jesus fucking christ how much worse could it get?)

The ranch was an unstable building (me too bestie), rugged and ugly "not too shabby" as we would say in the pits of hell.

The varrandah was busted, the roof was caving in and did i ever see a more decrepid porch sofa? the answer is fuck no.

As we offloaded all our shit in the driveway (as you do) i noticed a rancid smell coming from the house.

It was Rodney, the families elderly....something.

"Jesus aged christ" Mammon stuttered, staring at Rodney

"And he aged him badly" Satan added

Rodney waddled from the steps, as crook as Diavolo's face.

With strained effort the man crept onwards, a smile forming on his face as he saw us all.

His last two teeth shook in their place, they appeared to be held together by gum.

"Who in heaven, hell and hecate's asshole is this?" Asmodeus asked, just as confused as me.

"You don't recognise him?" Mammon asked

"Fuck no...do you?!" The fourth demon replied

"He's the family chef!" Lucifer exclaimed abruptly

"Nuh-uh-" i said, choking on my vomit as it crawled up my throat like a nasty banana gremlin.

"Well i'll be damned!" A woman exclaimed from a distance

"You sure will be" i joked, nudging Asmodeus who was the only one who laughed.

The elderly voice soon became a person as the figure stepped out from the shadows of the shit house...literally, it looked like a massive shithouse...

She was surprisingly well dressed and had a dazzling pair of hazel eyes and glorious hair all poofy and curly.

She was old as fuck but only looked sixty...what kind of magic was this?