I lift my cheek from the car window and take a deep sigh. The landscape has been flashing by the window for almost three hours now, and I can't control the stress that's eating away at me. I glance at the driver's seat. My mom is driving carefully, and she has a big smile on her face when she sees me in the rearview mirror. The silence is heavy, and all I want to do is go home. To be back home. Our big and beautiful house. The one where I was born, the one where I took my first steps, the one where I said my first words, the one where I slammed my bedroom door countless times. The house where I grew up with my older sister, Eline. But this is the same house where my parents agreed to divorce three years ago. The same house where my mother told us she was getting married again just a few months ago. And today, I know that I will never get this house back. My mother sold it to our neighbors. She only told us two days ago that we were going to live with our stepfather. I was never very close to my mother, but when I think about it, I wasn't close to my father or my sister either. I was always the one who was alone. The one who didn't need anyone. Today, I feel like there's an emptiness inside of me.
-Lou, are you listening to me?
I look up at the passenger seat in front of me and meet my sister's eyes, who was apparently talking to me.
-Sorry El', I was...
-Still lost in thought, I know.
My mom gives me a quick glance in the center mirror then turns her attention back to the road.
-I was talking to you. My sister says.
-Oh yes, sorry. Go ahead, I'm listening.
-I was saying how great it would be to finally meet Desmond. Don't you think so?
It takes me a few seconds to understand what she's saying. Desmond is our stepfather's name, but it's really strange to hear her being so cheerful. She stares at me, eyebrows furrowed.
-Uh yes! Yes, it will be good. I say with a falsely cheerful tone.
-Lou, are you sure you're okay? My mother asks.
-Yes, yes, I'm fine.
-Well, frankly, it doesn't look like. Adds my sister.
-Did I ask your opinion, El'? No. Everything is fine.
I grab my headphones and phone, start my playlist and cross my arms over my chest. It takes a while for my sister to turn back to the road, and then the deadly silence of this car hits again. Except this time, I have music in my ears...
I stare at my shoes with disgust. They are old green converse. They belonged to my sister. Like a lot of things that are mine now, by the way. My mother demanded that I get almost all of her things back. I'm actually wearing one of her old jean jackets, her sneakers, and a fairly neutral silver ring.
Even though I try to focus entirely on the notes that are rolling through my eardrums, I can't help but feel stressed. I take a deep breath, but nothing really helps. I've always been like this, hyper-stressed. In general, people don't really understand what it's like. These days, that's more and more rare, and that's one of the reasons why I like to be apart. I crack my fingers one after the other, then place my sweaty yet icy hands on my thighs. I still don't understand my mother's decision. She asked us to move like that, overnight, without even asking us. We'll have to live at Desmond's house. With Desmond and his family. And from what I understand, he has a daughter and a son. Twins. But I don't know more than that. My mother only told me that they lost their mother when they were very young.
I hear a flashing light and decide to look out the window. We are on a stony, muddy, narrow road. It's almost dark and I can see two or three points of light about twenty meters away. The gravel creaks under the wheels as my mother pulls up before turning off the engine. I take out my headphones and stuff them into the pocket of my denim jacket. My mom doesn't wait any longer to get out of the car, seemingly excited. For her, tonight is the beginning of a wonderful new life. For me, it's a real nightmare...
-Come on, Lou, please. Whispers Eline. It won't be so bad, you'll see.
Then she winks at me before getting out of the car too. I take a deep breath and open the door. The night wind of autumn makes me feel good. I get out of the car and look around. My mother is already in front of the wooden door of the house, and my sister is walking slowly down the driveway. I slam the door before throwing my head back. The stars are beautiful tonight. That may be the only good thing about this day. I drag my feet through the gravel a bit to the front door. Eline turns to me with a weak smile. My mother, on the other hand, doesn't glance in my direction and knocks three loud knocks on the door. A few seconds later, a tall, imposing man in his fifties comes to us.
-Desmond! my mother shouts, throwing herself into his arms.
I turn my head away. I don't want to see this. As happy as I am to see my mother so cheerful, I know her joy will be short-lived. So far, everything is going well for them, but this is just the beginning. Soon they will get tired of each other and we will have to move again... I hate love. I mean, if love really exists...
-Mary! I'm so glad you're all here. Please come in.
My mother and Desmond don't let go of each other as they enter the house. I follow my sister, not very reassured, and close the front door of the house. Desmond watches us for a moment before pulling a beer out of his fridge and handing it to my mother.
-So, you must be Eline and Louis!
-Yes, that's right. My sister answers.
-I am delighted to meet you. Your mother has told me a lot about you!
My mother makes a little satisfied pout.
-So, who's the oldest?
-Eline. Eline is four years older than Louis.
Desmond nods weakly and the room falls silent. I don't like this house. I don't like this situation. But then again, I've never liked a lot of things.
-What about your children? My mother asks. Where are they?
-They went to a friend's house. They are sleeping there. But they will be here tomorrow! Until then, you can sleep in their rooms.
I swallow hard. I just realized that we'll have to share our room... I'll have to sleep in the same room with a complete stranger, just because he's my "half-brother". We have no blood ties and I don't like this situation. I glance at my watch. It's almost midnight, and we have class tomorrow. At a new high school. Coming in during the year is really not easy. Everyone knows each other already.
-I'll help you put your things away. Says Desmond.
He goes out and my mother accompanies him. From the window, I see that they look happy. But I am not. Then I remember what I have been thinking since I was five years old. Why is it that when one person is happy, they make others unhappy?
-Desmond, how happy I am to be here! Laughs my mother as she comes in.
-And I'm very happy that you are all here. All your little family.
He insists on the word "little" while looking at me. I am smaller than my mother and my sister, but it annoys me to hear it. As soon as all the suitcases are in the hallway, I grab mine.
-Where are the rooms? Eline asks.
-Up the hall to the right for you and for the young man, up the hall to the left.
-Thank you.
My sister takes my mother in her arms and kisses her on the cheek before taking her suitcase too.
-It's late... and tomorrow is the first day of school for Lou. Let's go to bed.
She goes up the stairs and I follow her without saying a word. Since I'm here, I haven't opened my mouth. I definitely don't like this situation... From the top of the stairs, I hear Desmond's voice.
-Is your son mute?
-Oh no, he's just very tired from the trip. My mother answers.
When I get upstairs, I go straight to the door at the end of the hallway on the left and close it. I am speechless in front of the room that presents itself to me. Large posters occupy the walls, but everything is extremely tidy. There is a large bed and a mattress on the floor. So I guess the mattress on the floor is for me. I hope there is another room in this house. I don't intend to spend years here, but if I have to, I would at least like to have my own room. Tired from the journey and this situation, I collapse on the mattress and fall asleep almost immediately.
