I admire William, his back to me, his fingers running across the keys of the piano in front of him. His slender fingers caress the keys in an extremely elegant way. The melody echoing through the room is completely unfamiliar to me. When the last note sounds, I move closer to him and let my hands rest on his shoulders. He closes his eyes and sighs, resting his head against me.
-You know... what I've just played... I composed it thanks to you. He whispers
-Don't talk nonsense. I say, laughing
His eyes still closed, he takes my hand in his and leads me forward until I'm beside him, sitting opposite the piano.
-You're my muse... If we're not allowed to love each other in public, I'll hide you in my music. You inspire me so much... I've never felt so much as I do now that I've known you. You healed me, you drew stars around my scars Lou.
He rests his head on my shoulder and puts one arm behind me, holding on to my hip.
-Thank you for showing me what real love is. I whisper.
He moves his head a little against me, as if nodding, then yawns.
-Come on, then. I say. Let's go to your room, you look tired.
I get up and help him to do the same, making sure with every step that he doesn't collapse from exhaustion. I easily find my way back to his boarding room. All the doors to the other rooms are closed and there's no-one in the corridors. Once in William's room, I shut the door behind us. William goes straight to his desk and takes out a sheet of paper and a pen. He makes a quick note of something on it while I sit on the edge of the bed. From where I'm sitting I can see that he's writing music notes. He must be writing down the wonderful melody he's just played for me.
My eyes close on their own when I feel a hand on my back. William is sitting on the bed behind me. His hand runs gently up and down my back, leaving shivers on every inch of my skin. He moves a little closer and then his hand comes to rest on my neck, tracing imaginary lines on my skin. I close my eyes, enjoying this moment that seems so unreal. He rests his face on my shoulder. I can feel his warm breath against my neck, his hair falling back against my shoulder. He turns his face a little and lays his soft lips against the tender skin of my neck.
I feel his hand on my arm. He links his fingers with mine and lets himself fall completely onto the bed. I follow the movement and lie down beside him. I change position and face him. The muscles in his arms curve gently, appearing and disappearing with his movements. His eyes are a deep green against mine. My pulse quickens, though I don't know why. He's looked at me a thousand times, but there's something different in that gaze, an intensity I don't know. My mouth is dry and I can hear the sound of my throat as I swallow.
He's watching me. It's like he's waiting. I move towards him with an infinitesimal movement. It's like jumping over a waterfall. I don't know what I'm going to do until then. He leans a little closer to me. Our mouths open to each other and the warmth of his sweet throat pours into mine. I can't think, I can't do anything but absorb it, each breath as it came, the gentle movements of his lips. It's a miracle.
I'm trembling with fear of discouraging him. I don't know what to do. But before I have time to think, he's kissing my neck, his fingers slipping under the thin fabric of my T-shirt. My stomach churns at a speed I've never experienced before. My heart is racing and I can't calm it down. But I don't want to calm it down. It's not like a panic attack. This time I want to feel the strong, intense beating of my heart in my chest. I want to feel all the love William is giving me.
He presses himself against me, crushing my lips to the wine. He removes my clothes quickly and his at the same time in the dark of the bedroom. I stand still as he takes it in his hand. I knew William's golden skin, the curve of his neck, the hollow of his elbows. Our bodies entwined like hands. The blankets were wrapped around me. He took them off both of us. The air on my skin is a shock and I shiver. His hand slides over the quickening rhythm of my belly's breathing. He caresses me gently, as if smoothing a fine fabric, and my hips lifts at his touch. I pulled him to me and trembled and trembled. He was trembling too. He sounded as though he had been running fast and far.
I said his name, I think. It blew through me. I was hollow as a reed hung up for the wind to sound. There was no time that passed but our breaths. I found his hair between my fingers. There was gathering inside me, a beat of blood against the movement of his hand. His face was pressed against me, but I tried to clutch him closer still.
-Do not stop. I said
He did not stop. The feeling gathered and gathered till a hoarse cry leaped from my throat, and the sharp flowering drove me, arching, against him. It was not enough. My hand reached, found the place of his pleasure. His eyes closed. There was a rhythm he liked, I could feel it, the catch of his breath, the hearing. My fingers were ceaseless, following each quickening gasp. His eyelids were the color of the dawn sky, he smelled like earth after rain. His mouth opened in an inarticulate cry, and we were pressed so close that I felt the spurt of his warmth against me. He shuddered, and we lay still.
Slowly, like dust falling, I became aware of my sweat, the dampness of the covers and the wetness that slid between our bellies. We separated, peeling away from each other, our faces puffy and half-bruised from kisses. The room smelled hot and sweet, like fruit beneath the sun. Our eyes met, and we did not speak. Fear rose in me, sudden and sharp. This was the moment of truest peril, and I tensed, fearing his regret. He opened his mouth and stopped.
-I didn't think... He stopped
There was nothing in the world I wanted more than to know and hear what he hadn't said.
-What? I asked him
-I didn't think... that we would ever... He was hesitating over every word, and I couldn't blame him.
-I didn't think so, either. I said
-Are you sorry?
The words were quickly out of him, a single breath.
-I'm not... I said
-I'm not either.
There was silence then, and I didn't care about how sweaty I was. His eyes were unwavering, green flecked with gold. A certainty rose in me, lodged in my throat... I will never leave him. It will be this, always, as long as he will let me. If I had had words to say such a thing, I would have. But there were none that seemed big enough for it, to hold that swelling truth.
As if he had heard me, he reached for my hand. I didn't need to look. His fingers were etched into my memory, slender and petal-veined, strong and quick and never wrong.
-Louis... He whispers
He was always better with words than I.
