I open my eyes suddenly, my breathing jerky. I straighten up in the half-light of the hotel room. I turn my head and see William sleeping peacefully beside me. I try to breathe calmly, but it's complicated... all the traumatic images from my past keep coming back like frozen waves in my mind.
I sit on the edge of the bed, but nothing works. The images go round and round in my head. I see the groups of teenagers around me, preventing me from moving, from defending myself, constantly hitting me. I can still hear their demonic laughter, their satisfied smiles when I start spitting blood. I see myself again, curled up on the asphalt of the deserted street in the night, crying and shaking all over. I remember the many bruises on my body, the open wounds, the scars, the face deformed by constant fear, the lips broken by the stalkers' blows... In the middle of the group of boys, I still remember the one who got me out of that situation... who helped me up, who took me to his house for treatment... then who made the confession that he understood me perfectly. The one who kissed me for the first time. But also the one who made me suffer the most. The one who proved to me that love was nothing but torture. The one who used me for two whole years. The one who forced me to do things I never wanted to do... horrible things...
His face comes back to me in nightmare... a thin face, with a constant smile that nevertheless looked reassuring... but I was wrong. Because he had saved me from being bullied... the problem was that I later learned that it was he who had told the others that I was different... only to pass himself off as my savior... then I started to develop feelings for him. But he didn't love me... he did it all for fun. He wanted to explore things he didn't know. Feelings he didn't know... sensations he didn't know. Things I'd never have wanted to know if I'd known his true face. This demon took everything from me... my adolescence, my confidence, my joy of living... he's the one who took my virginity... that's when I understood his true intentions. I was only 15... so young, so fragile. How could I have been so stupid and naive? I never talked about the whole thing. I never told anyone. And I tried to rebuild myself after that. I tried to forget everything that had happened. But it was too late... I was branded... It has haunted me in my nightmares for years, and I can never forget it. Yet it's my deepest wish. I was afraid when William kissed me for the first time... afraid that history would repeat itself. But William loved me with all my fears. He proved to me that he wasn't like him... I've never admitted to him what torments me.
-Hi... He murmurs
I turn around slowly and discover William, his eyes still half-closed and looking sleepy.
-Can't sleep? He asks breathlessly
I lie down beside him and move a little closer to his face. I close my eyes when I feel his slender fingers on my cheek.
-Why are you crying? Do you want to talk about it?
I can feel my throat tightening. I'm scared. I'm afraid to tell him the truth. But for the sake of our relationship, he needs to know. I trust him completely. So I tell him everything, down to the last detail. Even the most horrible details. When I finish, William doesn't take his eyes off me, he doesn't look away as he might have done. No, he's not running away. He just looks at me, I don't see any pity in his eyes, no, nothing like that. I see compassion and anger mixed together in those green eyes. He takes my hand.
-I'm terribly sorry Lou... if only... if only I could have been there to stop it. All this happening to you...
With the utmost tenderness, I caress his cheek with my still trembling fingers, moving from his temple to his chin by his cheekbones, tracing the fine, perfect features of his face. A faint smile appears on my face through the tears. I move closer to him and place a kiss on his lips. I notice they're wet too. He's been crying...
