Sitting under a tree at the bottom of the garden, I listen to the birds singing while playing with my ring between my fingers. As I walked back into the house, my world fell apart. My stepfather's son, the one I'm going to have to share his room with, our life... Why does it have to be James? Why does it have to be him? I've been here less than 24 hours and I already feel like leaving. To run away. To get away from here.
A hand on my shoulder startles me. I breathe a sigh of relief as I discover my sister sitting next to me. She rests her head on my shoulder, remaining silent. I feel my heart calm down a little. My sister has always been the only person who understands me as if I were an open book. She has always been there for me. In my ups and downs. More in my downs than my ups, the ups being very rare by the way...
-What happened? She whispers. You know you don't have to answer me right away Lou... but I can see you're not okay.
I take a deep breath, holding back tears. I know I can tell my sister anything. But I'm waiting to see if James' behavior will change... I don't want to worry my sister for nothing.
-I just had a hard day.
-I can understand that. Coming to a new school when everyone else has been there for almost two months already... it must be complicated. But you'll be fine, you'll see. You'll make friends, or not, it's not mandatory to have friends! But you'll see, this change of air and life will do you good, Lou. I know it will.
She straightens her face to plant her blue eyes in mine. She presses the tip of my nose with her finger and smiles.
-My little brother is the bravest. I know you can do it... my little boo bear.
-Oh, stop calling me that, El! I'm not five anymore...
-You don't have to remind me... I know perfectly well that you'll be 17 soon. Shit, I remember my 17th birthday so well! It's been four years already... Time flies. But I'm not going to feel sorry for ourselves, everyone gets older!
A heavy silence falls between my sister and me. Only the song of the birds remains there. I look up at the sky, which is gradually darkening, leaving behind the beautiful twilight orange dancing with the autumn leaves.
-Dinner !
I sigh and watch my sister get up. She holds out her hand to help me up. We walked across the garden to the veranda, enjoying the fresh air one last time. At the table, everyone seems happy about this new life and this new family. Everyone except James and me. He looks at me like he wants to kill me every second. I don't understand the hatred he has towards me. If William was right, I don't see why James would continue to hate me even here at home. At one point during the meal, I feel many eyes on me. I look up and discover that everyone is looking at me.
-Lou? asks my mother. How was your first day?
James looks at me with a satisfied smile pinned on his demon face. I swallow hard.
-Like any first day, pretty exhausting.
-We are in the same class... says James.
-Oh, that's fantastic! That way you're sure to make friends quickly, Lou!
My mom is a little too enthusiastic... I don't think she's seen the hatred James has in his eyes since I got home. But I don't want to worry her so I smile weakly, as if nodding. The meal ends rather quickly and we go upstairs to brush our teeth. When I put my blue toothbrush in the pot next to the sink, I feel a twinge of sadness. This gesture reminds me that from now on, I will live here. That I am part of this family.
Even though it's not late, I prefer not to spend more time with my new family. So I take the first book I see in my suitcase, sit down in front of the imposing fireplace in the living room and read for two to three hours under the regular and pleasant crackling of the fire.
Eline comes to me and sits cross-legged in front of me, without saying anything. She smiles at me from time to time, her headphones in her ears. She types at an impressive pace on her phone, but I don't ask her what she's doing. We have always respected each other's privacy. After a few minutes, she giggles foolishly and hops over to snatch my book from my hands and sit closer to me.
-Hey! I was reading!
-Do you remember Freddie?
-The one you've been in love with since you were fifteen?
-Yes... he finally asked me out. He just told me his first "I love you."
I look at my sister with a weak smile. She has tears in her eyes. She has been waiting for this moment for so many years. She really believes in love... unlike me. But I don't want to break her heart before it's time, so I take her in my arms and kiss her forehead.
-I'm happy for you El'. I really am.
-Thank you Lou. Thank you for everything. I have a question for you, by the way. I know we never talked about it. But I would really like to know why you, such a beautiful boy, never fell in love? Or never had a girlfriend?
I sigh and look away. The smile that was on my face just disappeared. I don't like it when my sister starts asking me this kind of question. It makes me uncomfortable. But I don't want to offend her.
-You know... I never believed in love. I don't think that true love exists. And even if it does, I don't really want it. I don't know how to explain it to you, and I don't really know if I want to explain it actually, but I... I'm just different. That's all.
-Lou, you're not different. I can assure you that. You just don't trust yourself. When you were smaller, I remember you loved life. You liked to run around in the fields, you liked to create fantasy worlds and universes for yourself. You wrote a lot. I don't know what you wrote, but I know it made you feel more playful about life. Happy. For some time now, I have the impression that you have closed in on yourself and let life go on without enjoying it. Life is short Lou, you should really enjoy it. When you simply understand how important you are to the people who love you... you will stop feeling different.
-El, I...
-I love you brother. Never forget that.
She places a brief kiss on my head before getting up and going to bed.
-I love you too. I whisper in the dark.
When it is almost midnight, I climb the stairs in the greatest of silence and sneak into the room. James is sitting on his bed, his phone in his hands, and stops talking when I close the door behind me. He is on a video call with someone. Without paying any more attention to him, I get under the sheets of my mattress and turn my face to the window, opposite James' bed. The voice on the other end of the phone keeps me from falling asleep. William is on the phone with James, and they are talking about me.
