Sitting on the garden bench for nearly an hour, I sigh. We're alone in the cool autumn evening. Everyone else is inside the house, celebrating. My hand still in William's, I admire the stars, my head back. The cool wind blows through the crumpled leaves of the trees around us. Silence reigns. But it's a more than pleasant silence. Nothing disturbs us. Not even us. Silence is sometimes unpleasant, but this silence feels good. Only our breaths make a melody that dances in the air to the rhythm of our beating hearts.
Suddenly, he moves his leg so that our knees are pressed together. The contact triggers a long shiver down my spine. He did it so discreetly, no one would have noticed, not even me. At first I think it's just a sudden gesture, a kind of chance, but when I meet his keen gaze just after, I understand. My ocean-blue eyes plunge into his, green, oh, so green, both like emerald and jade at the same time. I feel a flame ignite inside me. I look away. Why do I feel this way? All of this?
He looks away and stands up. I watched him at first, probably too busy admiring him. Then I sigh and run a hand through my blond hair, looking up at the sky. If I were brave, I'd get up and lean into his ear to tell him I wish we could stay here longer. And therein lies the problem. I'm not brave. Or... the problem is less deep, less subtle, and much more obvious. I'm afraid. Afraid of judgment. Of William, I imagine, but not only. Of everyone. Of society. Because... two boys can never be the way I imagine him and me.
After a few minutes, William returns to the house, leaving me alone outside in the soothing starry night. I sigh. Many questions run through my head, but I can't stop thinking about William's hand in mine, his cheeks deepening as he smokes, or the teasing smirk he gets as he runs his hand through his hair. I can't forget the beautiful gleam in his green eyes.
-Lou? Says a voice behind me.
I straighten my head and stand up, moving towards my sister, leaning against a tree. She has her arms crossed and is looking at me. I approach her. She stares at me for what seems like an eternity. Did she see me with William? I feel my heart beating a little faster.
-How do you feel? She finally asks
-I feel better. Thanks for asking.
She smiles at me, as if to tell me it's normal, then takes me in her arms.
-Are you coming? She says.
I nod, and then we go back into the house. The air is still very hot and the smell of alcohol wafts through the room. I follow my doppelganger around the room until we come to a small coffee table, the one set up in front of the fireplace. William, James and Anna are sitting on the sofa, talking. My sister sits next to Anna, and I remain standing, probably too busy admiring William from behind.
People are dancing around me and I don't feel well. I don't feel good at all. My head is spinning more and more and I can feel the heat rising inside me. I try to control my breathing, but nothing works. I hate parties. So I decide to get away from the party, and climb the stairs to the upstairs bathroom. There, I put my head under the water and feel a little better. When I straighten up, it's not my face I see directly in the mirror. It's James'. He's behind me, leaning against the door, eyebrows furrowed. I turn around abruptly and nearly lose my balance.
-What... what are you doing here? I murmur
He moves forward and closes the door behind him. My throat tightens. Why am I alone in this bathroom with James? He moves closer and closer to me, until he's close enough to put his fist in my stomach. I cry out in surprise and pain, already weakened by my injuries from the other day.
-James!
-Stay alone. Stop trying to fit in with whatever group you're in. And above all, avoid staying with William. Is that clear?
