You understand me - Minsung

Chapter 7

Minho had been silent since he entered his therapist room. He was sitting in the armchair and was shifting uncomfortably.

He didn't want to come there, he knew he wasn't in the good state of mind and he was scared of what his therapist would say. He looked at the ceiling, never daring to cross her eyes.

"How are you feeling today?" She asked, her voice as joyful as ever

"Sad" He answered flatly.

I haven't felt that sad in months

"Really? Why?" She asked, looking unaffected. Truthfully, it wasn't a good new at all, but she didn't want to alarm the boy.

"I've met Jisung's boyfriend" He explained, his heart breaking even more as the words left his mouth.

"Oh"

"Yep" He nodded to himself, feeling the same pain of his heart getting stabbed.

"Does he know you have feelings for him?"

"No"

"Does someone else know?"

"No"

"What did you feel when you knew?" She asked, wanting to see how much the boy was affected

I wanted to die

"Like daggers where splitting my stomach in half" He explained, censoring the thoughts he had. He couldn't bring himself to explain it.

"And what about your habits, have they changed?" She asked

"I wanted to stop talking to Jisung but I changed my mind. We are good friends now, I don't want it to stop. So I just continued to talk to the boy and do as nothing happened" He told her, remembering the first day he tried to avoid Jisung, just to stop the same thing on the same day. Jisung brought him comfort. Even if it pained Minho, he liked the comfort.

"I don't think it's a bad reaction, quite the contrary. At least you have him around, I think he is good company for you" She answered after thinking for quite a while.

"But it hurts" He let out, his voice wavering slightly "The pills aren't effective anymore" He blurted out.

He started to feel ashamed. He didn't want to tell her how pained he was actually feeling for some silly things. He was scared to open up about the scariest parts of his mind. 

"Why?" She asked, her voice stable, as if she knew what Minho was about to say.

"Because I started wanting to disappear again" He explained monotously. He tried so much to fake uninterest, but he was just trying to hide the fact that he was terrified.

Can't believe I said that out loud

"Minho... That is not a good mindset..."

"It's easier"

"Have you hurt yourself?" She asked, scared of the answer

"Almost"

"Why didn't it happen?"

"My mother stepped in" He explained, cursing her in his mind for interrupting him.

She shouldn't have been there

You're hurting her so much

"Would you have done it if she didn't?"

"Yes"

"Okay..." She said, taking a paper out of her shelf and scribbling on it. She stopped talking and Minho could just ear the scaring sound of the pen on the paper. She approached Minho and gave him the paper. He looked at it, and heard the word he never thought he would hate so much "I think we have to prescribe you stronger pills" She said

"What?" Minho said as he stood up abruptly, reading the paper she gave him. He felt anger flood out of his veins.

"I'm sorry Minho, but this is alarming" She said sighing "I can't let you stay like that"

"And what? Can't I have the chance to heal by myself? Why do I have to be assisted by stupid pills? I hate them" He yelled, tears prickling at his eyes out of anger "I hate how empty they make me feel! I may have less intrusive thoughts, but I have no thoughts left! I don't fucking care about feeling sad if I can at least feel a bit happy, but this stupid medication is holding me back"

"Minho, being helped isn't something bad" She explained calmly.

"But why can't I be just like everyone else?" He said desesperatly as he let himself fall in the armchair.

"Because you're special, and need special care. It doesn't mean that you're not valuable for happiness, you just have to put in a little more effort for it."

"I'm feeling like I'm a freak"

"You're not"

"I feel like it"

"That is not like that. Mental health struggles are natural, it's more common than you think, and you are strong enough to want to overcome them. That's why I trust you, and I know that you'll do it"

"Mmh" He said, not trusting a word she said.

"I'm not changing you're pills" She reassured  "But you're going to take more of them"

"How many?" He asked, his voice showing how tired of fighting he was.

"One in the morning, one in the evening. And if it's a bad day, I want you to take one at lunch"

"So now I have to bring them to school..."

"Only when you feel like it Minho"

"I guess I don't have that much of a choice."

"I'm sorry Minho." She said softly "I know what you're thinking, but this is going to help you. It will get better, I promise"

"Mmh" He hummed as an answer, but he couldn't trust her.

I'm a lost case, aren't I?