Missing Peace | COMPLETED

Chapter 30

July 20

Endings don't always need to be good and happy. It can also be perfect even when it hurts. 'Cause when it hurts perfectly, the pain blooms to something beautiful that you didn't expect to exist.

Bago tayo magmahal, it was long said that love comes with pain, but either way, we still chose to love. Because to love is a choice, and so as to heal. It is your choice if you want to heal and try everything to help yourself or you'll just let the pain and past consume you and your future.

It might be painful, but healing is beautiful.

Just like when you see the sun. Sun often hurts us by its unbearable heat, but its warmth helps us keep going, heals and sees light through our way.

Healing is beautiful because you get to love and give more attention to yourself that you somehow forget once in a while just because you were in love with someone.

And just like the sunset I'm looking at right now, endings can be beautiful too. Things may not end the way we want them to, but at least the ending can still be beautiful.

I'm leaning against this yacht's upper deck's railings. The cold sea breeze keeps embracing me, dancing with every single strand of my hair.

It's my favorite time of the day, sunset at the place where the sky meets the ocean.

I'm at Ellwood's yacht, don't know exactly kung kanino 'to but we can use this naman since it's our family's property. Obviously just hanging out and healing.

I'm with my girls and Kuya Davis, nag-aasikaso lang sila probably ng foods and drinks. Nakahinto ang yacht sa gitna ng tubig but we're near the East Coast of Canada at the same time. Kuya Davis went with us to make sure we're safe, 'saka para hindi na kami kumuha ng mag-aasikaso nitong yacht.

It's been months already since I left the Philippines and moved here to Canada, to be with my parents and be our firms' one of the civil engineers.

So far, kaya ko pa naman. Kinakaya ko. Mahirap, sobra, but I kept getting up. Kailangan ko kayanin.

Nahirapan ako noong una, not because I'm not familiar with the people I'm spending my days with, but because I'm longing for the people I left.

I've been studying din these past few months, for the board exam that I'll be taking. Nagulat na lang din ako sa plano na ito.

I just woke up the other day because Daphnie's waking me up. At first I thought it's just a dream, dahil iniwan ko si Daphnie sa Pilipinas noon. But she came, and she brought our girls with her.

Daphnie decided na she wants to try here. Gaya ko ay gusto niya rin subukan dito. Walang namilit sa kaniya, not even me. Basta nagpaalam lang siya sa kila Auntie at pati na rin sa boyfriend niya and they all agree kaya Daphnie will stay here with me, at least for a while.

They decided na dito na sa Canada gaganapin ang farewell party ni Daphnie because the girls wants to see me too. But they will go home na sa isang araw with Kuya Davis dahil hinatid lang talaga nila si Daphnie at para rin makita ako habang may libreng araw pa sila.

The past days they are with me, pinapakinggan kong mabuti ang mga sinasabi nila, ang mga kwento nilang hindi matapos tapos, somehow hoping that I'll get some news kung kamusta na siya.

I won't fool myself, alam kong gusto ko rin malaman kung kamusta na siya. Not that I'm worried, I just want to know.

The past months, I'm still in pain, kahit hanggang ngayon naman. But I'm proud to say that I'm getting better. Of course there are relapses, hindi naman maiiwasan iyon. Ang mahalaga kinakaya ko.

I am not fine, but I'm getting there.

My wounds were healing and even if I heal, the scars will stay with me forever. The scars that will remain won't fade.

Umangat ang kamay ko from hugging myself. Napunta iyon sa kwintas na suot ko, dinama at hinimas ko ang pendant niyon. Tear-shaped acrylic based with a little red rose inside.

It's the necklace Raiker gave. I fooled myself back then, noong ibinalik ko lahat ng gamit na ibinigay niya sa akin, lahat ng gamit na makakapagpaalala sa kaniya sa akin... dahil lumabas ako ng restaurant na 'yon habang suot-suot itong kwintas na galing sa kaniya.

I didn't even know kung alam niyang wala ang kwintas na 'to sa box ng mga gamit na isinauli ko sa kaniya. I cutted off all the connections we have. This might sound like a red flag for some other people, but I unfollow him and cut ties from all of my social media accounts. I need to do it. I needed it. Para man lang sa peace of mind ko.

Aminado akong noong mga unang linggo, I often visit his account. Maybe looking for anything that will make myself believe na kahit papaano ay hinahanap-hanap niya rin ako, na kahit papaano ay nangungulila siya sa pag-alis ko sa buhay niya, just like what I do.

But every time bibisitahin ko ang account, patuloy lang akong nasasaktan to see how happy he is. Masaya siya kasama si Natacha at ang mga kaibigan niya. I saw him smiling on all of the pictures he's sharing sa account niya.

He's living his life while I am there... suffering.

I used to think that it's unfair. Hindi ko matanggap. Hindi ko matanggap na he can just walk out of it, habang ako na-stuck pa roon and the pain keeps pulling me back every time I tried to escape.

Hindi ko matanggap na kung sino pa ang manloloko ay siya ang mabilis na nakapagpatuloy sa buhay niya, while me... I barely lived. I barely eat. I stays up all night for almost everyday, asking my worth, questioning myself. Relapses visit every now and then. I found it hard to leave my bed. I had trouble studying.

And the only thing that saves me from it, from the pain that keeps drowning and swallowing me is writing.

When I feel like I'm about to break down, I write. When I feel like overthinking and questions are about to visit, I write. If I want to occupy my mind so I won't think of it again and again, I write. I just write.

Ang pagsusulat ang kinakapitan ko para makabalik.

But now, I am better. I'm getting better. I am still not there, but I'm getting there. I'm moving, and that's what is important.

Ayokong makulong sa nakaraan. Ayokong maiwan lang dito. Hindi ko kayang makita ang sarili kong nasisira just because of someone who didn't see my worth the way I and other people see it.

So I have to get up, each and every day, kahit alam kong mahirap. I have to live. I have to become good, for myself.

I don't know when I'll get there, but I know I will.

Hinubad ko ang kwintas na galing kay Raiker at inilagay sa palad ko. I just kept staring at it habang patuloy akong niyayakap ng magkahalong init ng papalubog na araw at ng lamig ng hanging-dagat.

I know I will have to let go of this necklace, for me to grow. Because in order to grow, you need to let go of all the things that remind you of the pain from the past.

"I hope you got the future we always talk about having, Raiker," I whispered in the wind. "I hope you reach your dreams, even if we're not together anymore... and never did."

I closed my eyes and felt the breeze embracing me, as if Raiker was hugging me for the last time. An image of him smiling at me on the sixth of January when he brought me to the place where the ocean meets the sky appears in my mind.

He's smiling. His smile is so beautiful and it reaches his eyes. I will always love those eyes, where I once saw a soulmate.

"So long, Raiker..." I whispered while closing my eyes as the necklace slowly slipped from my fingers.

Maybe in another universe, in another setting, in another lifetime, I can find a soulmate in Raiker's eyes... again.

When the pain isn't too much anymore, when I am strong enough to handle it... I'll write our story, my love.