Missing Peace | COMPLETED

Chapter 24

April 5

Why do people fall in love, when all love could give is pain after a moment of happiness?

The moment I laid my eyes on you, I didn't know I would end up shattered. Funny that I don't even have an idea that I will fall for you.

Copious tears started to roll down my cheeks. I held my chest as I also felt my heart being stabbed a thousand times.

I kept walking to nowhere since I left the cafe. I don't even know kung saan ako pupunta. I let my body move on its own as this fucking pain keeps consuming me.

May mga nakakasalubong ako while walking around BGC. I can't look at them and see how they pity me for crying silently.

For a normal basis, I would hold back these tears until I got home o kung di kaya ay pilit kong pupunasan ito, but I don't have energy to do that.

Sa isang iglap, naubos ako bigla.

My world seemed to have fallen apart when Raiker stayed silent. Yes, he didn't admit it, yet he didn't deny it either. Kung hindi totoo 'yon, itatanggi niya kaagad. Pero hindi niya ginawa. Though he simply said 'yes' earlier, confirming that what I heard from Natacha was all true.

I know Raiker – or do I really know him? Kasi ang Raiker na kilala at minahal ko ay hindi ako hahayaang masaktan nang ganito. He didn't even let anyone and anything hurt me. O baka sadyang mali lang ako ng pagkakakilala sa kaniya.

With clouded mind, I don't know kung paano ako nakauwi. Wala akong ibang iniisip. Ni walang tumatakbo sa isip ko.

All I do is to keep walking palayo sa kung saan ko siya iniwan while letting these tears roll down my cheeks.

And as soon as I got home, hindi ko napigilang ilabas lahat. I'm not the type of person na magwawala kapag nasasaktan, na sisigaw to lessen the pain. I'll just suffer in silence.

I don't know, I lost count – or maybe I didn't count at all, on how many hours I was just laying on my bed, crying my heart out, and questioning my self's worth.

Kahit saan ko tingnan, wala akong maisip na maging dahilan niya kung bakit niya ginagawa sa akin 'to. I know I don't deserve this. No one deserves this kind of pain.

I know nothing about cheating. I don't know what hurts the most, being the girl he cheated on or being the girl he cheated with, without any idea what's been happening.

It sucks knowing that everyone who has cheated on has to carry all the pain and trauma that cheaters freed themselves. And knowing the amount of aches a person has to go through after being cheated on is not something you can fix in a day, it leaves scars, pains, and the worst are the relapses.

But how about the girl he cheated with na walang kaalam-alam na ginagago rin pala siya?

It's also funny how I imagine next days will went, when people knew that I am the kabet. I can now imagine what looks people will give me. There is judgement, pandidiri na akala mo ako na ang pinaka masamang tao sa mundo.

And the worst part, I can't defend myself dahil hindi naman ako paniniwalaan ng lahat kapag sinabi kong wala akong alam.

Bakit? May tao bang umaamin na ginagamit ka nila? Na kabit ka? Kasi kung oo, pwes, hindi si Raiker 'yon!

Gustong gusto kong sumbatan siya kanina. Gusto ko siyang awayin. Gusto ko siyang saktan. Kasi putangina, nananahimik ako!

Maayos ang buhay ko. I'm happy and contented on what I have. Then he came.

Hindi ko naman hiniling na pumasok siya sa buhay ko. I didn't prayed for him. I didn't beg God to give me Raiker. It was his will – it was Raiker's will, it was his decision na guluhin ang nananahimik kong buhay.

Or maybe nasa akin ang mali doon. Because I let him enter my life. He climbed up my walls. I let my guard down, and here I am now, shattered by the one I thought pang matagalan na.

Hindi ko rin maalis sa isip ko si Natacha. Hindi ko alam kung may karapatan ba akong magalit sa kaniya, dahil lumalabas na nasaktan ko rin naman siya. But how can she kept it for months?!

Matagal na pala niyang alam... at wala man lang siyang ginawa.

I was hoping na sana pinaaga niya man lang, kahit nasaktan ako nang mas maaga, ayos lang, at least nalaman ko nang mas maaga. Na-lessen yung months na nagmukha akong tanga.

Her reason? Kasi hindi niya kayang makita si Raiker na nasasaktan while she's still in New York? How fuck up that mentality is!

And all of their friends know about it? Naging inside joke ako sa kanila. Even Raiker's friend na itinuring ko na ring mga kaibigan.

After this, hindi ko na alam kung paano pa ulit magtitiwala.

I whimpered in pain. I have chest pains, literally.

Napaangat pa ako mula sa pagkakahiga ko sa kama ko dahil sa sakit niyon. I held my chest as I gasped for air. I'm having a hard time breathing cause of crying too much.

"Oh, God, tama na po." I squeal in pain. "Please... take this pain away. Hindi ko na po kaya... Please po..." I begged.

My chest is hurting so much and I don't know kung kaya ko pa. Wala si Daphnie sa kabilang unit. I have no one to call, plus the fact that it's way past midnight. Ilang oras na lang the sun will rise na.

It's true, that you only have yourself at times you're in need.

I haven't experience this before dahil hindi naman ako madalas umiyak noon. Ni hindi nga ako mabilis umiyak. Nasasaktan ako pero hindi ako umiiyak noon.

But today is not in the past. Today is today, and today is too much.

I didn't ever imagine myself crying for hours – crying all night long, making me gasp for air, over a man who didn't see my worth, used me for granted and used me to cheat on someone.

Gusto kong gumanti. I want to plot my revenge. Series of ideas flashing through my mind while lightly massaging my chest, because my heart is weak and couldn't bear more pain.

Pero hindi ko kayang gumanti. Regardless of what he did to me and how much pain he caused me, I still can't hurt the man I love the most. The man who makes me feel wanted, deserves to be taken cared of, and loved.

And now, I don't kung dapat ko bang hilingin na sana hindi na lang kita minahal. Because I know, I would only be fooling myself kapag sinabi kong pinagsisisihan kong minahal kita.

I found my missing peace in your arms... I am now lost again.