Querido Diario...

The locked door

My story begins on August 11th, my birthday. I turned 10 that year, in a small town which most people don't know. Since I was a little girl, I thought that I could be anything, that I was "the main character" as my books showed me.
But little I knew back then that nothing of what I thought was real.
When you grow up being humiliated, unwanted but "wanted", alone but always surrounded, you unconsciously start believing that you're happy.
"Happy" because you have a family unlike your classmates that their parents got divorced.
Happy because your daddy loves you but won't blink to make you feel like the most awful and dumb being.
But at least you have parents, right?
My friends at school are always together and happy, maybe I should try being more like them. I mean, it's a new school, I should be more kind and start acting like them so they would like me because 10 days have passed and here I am, hated by everyone, and the worst part is that I don't know why…
Suddenly people that were my friends in my previous school changed to mine, I was so happy about that because I thought that I will finally wouldn't be isolated but a few days later they hated me too, they were mean or just ignored me in a rude way.
15 years have passed with that feeling, like a knot in my throat, I couldn't breathe but I learned how to handle that.
I started to think that there was something wrong with me until…I met her.
She was through the looking glass, at first I thought that maybe it was a side effect of the pills from the psychiatrist prescription.
Turns out that I wasn't dreaming, I was looking like I just turned 25 years old because of the princess hat in my head but the reflection looked like the young me. Many thoughts tormented my mind, "why is that happening?"
When I turned around and opened the door everything had changed, "this isn't my room!" I bursted in tears, everything was black, like there was nothing there but this door and my old bed. The door  terrified me even if I had never seen it before. My skin, my hard breath, all my body was shaking when I tried to walk towards it. So I tried a different door and when I got out, my life where just starting, I froze the first time but after a few months here I can say that being an adult is hard, my classmates told me that leaving home and looking for a new one is exciting but overwhelming, some of them told me while searching online they found a small house that was ideal to live alone... I was stunned when they showed the actual house where I was leaving but I stayed quiet because I couldn't tell them my "crazy" story, so instead I said that I moved recently and maybe they haven't updated it yet.
When I got back to the mysterious house I tried to settle in at night. I've tried to sleep soundly from the exhausting work hours but my fear couldn't disappear even if my only chance or clue were my long-awaited vacation. 
My house was not as quiet as usual. I heard a noise. "What kind of noises were these?"  I thought.
I gathered courage and started searching.  The noises came from a nearby door, the bathroom,it was like someone wanted to open it from behind.  It was closed.  I made an effort to be able to open it because it was stuck. Until I opened it but there was nobody, not even the younger me, confused  I thought " Is this a dumb joke? How could this happened? This was the door that gave me chills whenever I approached. Maybe it was just a bad dream".
There was another closed door which had this shiny lights. "Maybe the space changed?" I wonder; I tried to look through the doorknob and I saw a brightful and almost blind light that pushed me away from it.
Time didn't clock, everything felt stuck, the door with my other self was suddenly locked and she, the younger version of me, was desperate to open it.
I felt lost, abandoned in that dark wide room with the company of my old teenager bed and it's little pillows, my psychiatrist pills, a lamp, some almonds, a dried plant and a cutter, I didn't took any pill but I felt really heavy everytime I approached that door, I realized that this wooden door was the key, there was light behind it and also…myself.
The hard part of opening the door the gravity was heavier and my mind started to remind me of hurtful events, I was traveling through memories..
Things I wanna erase…
Memories that I can't even remember well but that hurts like hell
There was also this voice that I couldn't recognize if it was inside my head or if it was the voice from the other side of the door:
"I don't know your name, I don't know your name. Come on let's erase them one by one, yeah, one by one" in a hopeless voice.
The last thing that I remember thinking or maybe saying was:

"Save me from here, my amygdala, it hurts."