TANGLED SOULS

From the ashes - Prologue

They say 'Love is blind'. Not really. Nothing can be blinder than hatred.

Hatred masquerades as an ointment to hurt, when in truth it is no more than gasoline for the flames. Hatred, the twin of wrath, is never your friend. Though, hatred gives you a delusion of strength, in reality it makes you weaker, much more weaker than you ever were. It's a slow poison that devours you from within, destroying you little by little, consumes you bit by bit, until you fall and become the mere shell of your former self.

Six years ago, on that dreadful day, that changed my life forever, after losing my babies, the brother I never had and most importantly, my everything—the person whom I loved the most, whom I cherished more than my life itself, I was nothing more than a lifeless corpse wandering around the streets of Udaipur waiting for my own end.

If three deaths were weighing upon my conscience, losing HIM was an agony I never imagined myself going through. If was worse than any death, any grief. It was like burning my soul alive in a flaring fire without being able to be burned forever. His memories would haunt me day and night, would give me false hopes of having him right beside me when he's far away from me. The pain is so unbearable that even hell seemed to be a better option for me.

They say sometimes we get a punishment much more than death itself that we wish to die that very instant. I wished I died physically when he pushed me away from his life. Because I died hundred deaths with his words that day and died every single second apart from him.

It killed me so much for months that all the unconditional love I had for him, and my shattered hopes, transformed slowly, into anger and hatred. Towards him for not coming back to me, for being ignorant about our baby that was growing in me—our miracle of love that survived the storm that hit us. Towards me, for loving him so much that it hurt, for hoping for him to hold me again in his warmest embrace and nestle his face in my hair before saying "Akshu" in his softest voice.

I hated our love that made me breath, I loathed him who was my reason to smile and took away my smile. I loathed everyone and everything around me, starting by myself for being partially responsible for this hell, for being unreasonable while making that one decision that changed our lives forever.

My mind shattered when I opened my eyes while breathing his name after giving birth to our miracle baby, without him beside me. And the rest of me followed suit. I couldn't handle the pain of betrayal, rejection, disappointment. I made my decision—my worst decision.

If he didn't want me in his life, then even I don't want him. Not in my life, not in my son's life. It was selfish, insensitive, unfair and revengeful, even inhuman, but the the stone I became devoid of any emotions, wouldn't listen. It simply wanted to hurt him tenfolds like he hurt for the past seven months and it exactly did that. I exactly did that. The hatred in me was satiated only after discarding him from our lives, just like he discarded me from his life in the most brutal way possible.

Throughout the years, I became even more bitter, the real me died long ago. Abhir was my sole reason to live. My happy family with Abhinav and Abhir who considered him as his father was my peace. But that's a lie I told myself.

The truth was, I could never ever forget him. Not even in my consuming hatred for him. Not even in my dreams, I could forget him. It was ironic. When he was with me, he was my only reason to breathe. When he was not here, he was still my reason to breathe.

Abhimanyu Birla, was the fuel that kept my heart pumping and brain ticking over. He was and would always be my driving force to live, whether I loved him, hated him.

Nothing existed without him. Neither my motherhood towards Abhir, nor my gratitude towards Abhinav, nor my concern for my family, nor my hatred towards himself and myself. He was the root cause of all my feelings.

Even though I hated him with all my heart, he was the reason it still continued to beat.

*–*

Why do your heart beat now, Akshara?  For whom it beat now that he's no more to love or hate?

Her palm turned white with the way she was gripping the plastic thin stick tightly in her hand, marking its form as the pen cracked under the pressure she was applying on it. Her body shuddered and trembled, lips quivered as sweat covered her forehead and tears blurred her vision. She pulled her legs up and curled up on the wooden chair rocking back and forth, as the harrowing realization hit her, once again.

Abhimanyu Birla is no more.

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