Butterfly Effect

Prologue

16 years ago...

After hours of unbearable pain, the sound of a baby's crying filled the room and my heart stopped. I just had a child, a child that I'll never see grow up.
I knew that it was better for me if I didn't see my child, because it would only hurt a lot more, but there was a part of me that wanted a memory to hold on to. So, when I saw one of the nurses starting to take the baby out of the room, I stopped her.
"Can I... Can I hold the baby? My baby..." I asked. My voice was hoarse from the screams of pain.
"Yes, I can let you hold her for a little bit" she answered, walking toward my hospital bed with the baby in her arms.
Her... So my child was a girl. I had a girl. My babygirl...
When the nurse put the little girl on my chest I started to cry, mesmerized by her perfect little face and by how pretty and tiny she was. She was there, so small that I was afraid to hurt her, but also so strong when she grabbed my finger in her little hand. Had I just made someone so perfect?
"Hi Babygirl" I whispered, touching her perfect little cheek with my finger "I know that you'll never get to know me, but I will love you until my last breath..." a sob stopped me. I was heartbroken and my voice was shaking.
"You'll have wonderful parents, and they will be so much better than me... They will be there for you, teaching you your first word, helping you with your first steps, watching you fall in love with your whole heart for the first time and supporting you while you become a woman. I'm sorry that I can't keep you and that I can't be that kind of parent for you, but you will always have the keys to my heart".
I took a deep breath, holding her closer to my heart, pressed on my chest.
"I didn't know that I would learn what love feels like just by looking at someone, but that is exactly what had happened to me when I saw you... God will bless you and he will give you the best life possible. I love you so much, little blessing" I finished, kissing her forehead goodbye and giving her back to the nurse that had tears in her eyes.
"She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said drying my own tears with my fingertips, and the woman smiled sadly at me.
"She is, but are you sure that you want to put her up for adoption?". When she asked that question I instantly knew the answer: no, I wasn't sure. I wanted to keep my little blessing with me, but I knew that I couldn't. She deserved so much better than someone like me as a mother.
"Yes, I'm sure. She can't grow up with me... She needs a stable family, not one like mine. I don't want to forget her though..." I simply said, meeting the nurse's kind stare.
"I don't think you will, sweetheart..." she said softly.
"Can I have her footprint?" I suddenly asked " I know that they usually do that for parents who have lost their child, but I need something, anything, of her..." the nurse just nodded.
"We're going to bring her to the NICU, but I will make sure to give you her footprint when they discharge you in a couple of days" she explained and I didn't feel criticized for the first time since the beginning of my pregnancy.
When she started to take my babygirl away from me, I just stood there, frozen, silently crying and looking at her. I was trying to soak in every last glimpse I had of my daughter.
That was it. It was the end of the story. An ending that came way too soon...
When the door closed behind the nurse's back, my heart shattered in pieces. I was feeling like someone just stole the light from my life, leaving me numb.
I was sobbing uncontrollably when I started to realize that I would never be able to love so strongly again...