Butterfly Effect

4: This weight on my chest

Maya's Pov

I was pacing back and forth in my office, staring at my phone. I had just ended a call with someone from child protective services where I asked about Carina's kid.
Carina's kid... It was still hard for me to wrap my head about it, but I was trying to be as supportive as possible for my wife. I mean, we had tried to have a kid for so long and we didn't even know if the last attempt worked, but now... Now Carina wanted to find her child and I didn't know what to think about it.
I wanted her to find Benedetta, but after that?
If she had not been adopted yet, would my wife want to take her home with us? Was I ready for a teenager?
My mind kept spiraling, passing from one what if to another. My breath was shallow and I couldn't focus on anything... I felt like my mind was all over the place, and I didn't know what to do to stop my panic attack before it could get even worse.
"Captain?" Andy said, knocking on the door. When she didn't have an answer, she opened the door, finding me curled up on the ground with my knees pressed on my chest, trying to breathe but I was gasping for air...
"May? Maya?" she whispered "It's all gonna be okay, try to breathe...".
I tried to follow her instructions, but I couldn't bring myself to actually do it and that was making me even more anxious. It was like I was drowning, and everything was pushing me under the surface.
My lungs were begging for air, but I couldn't breathe. My head was spinning so much that a wave of nausea hit me, and I looked at Andy with fear in my eyes. I was dying like that... Because I couldn't fucking breathe.
"Trash... Can'' I managed to say and my best friend gave it to me just in time for me to throw up all of my breakfast in it.
My best friend ran next to me, holding back my hair and whispering calming words in both English and Spanish. It wasn't Carina and her Italian, but I was glad to have her with me right now.
When my stomach was finally empty, I pushed away the trash can and I sat against the wall, still shaking like a leaf on a tree in October. My breath was still too shallow but the fog in my mind wasn't as thick as before.
"Do you want me to call Carina? I know that when you're like this you want her with you..." she asked, unsure of what to do. I've never had a panic attack as bad as this one before.
I shook my head,begging her with my eyes. Carina couldn't know...
"Okay. Can you try and breathe in for five seconds, May?" she asked and she watched me carefully as I did what she said.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
"Good Maya" she praised me "Now hold for five".
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
"Now out for five... And then we do it again" she instructed, guiding me through the breathing exercise. After a couple of times, I started to breathe normally again. I was still shaking but now I could focus on something that wasn't my panic.
"Thanks Andy" I said, shaking while my voice was trembling.
"It's not a problem May" she answered seriously "But what happened? I've never seen one so bad..."
inside my head there was a battle, because my mind was telling me to open up with my best friend, but I didn't know if I could. It was Carina's story, not mine.
"Come on May. I just want to be here for you".
"Carina has a kid" I blurted out, seeing the surprise in Andy's eyes.
"It worked?" she asked, referring to our last attempt to have a kid together. I shook my head no.
"She had a child when she was twenty two after a sexual assault. She put her up for adoption, but now she wants to find her and I don't know what I'm supposed to do..." I explained "I'm trying to help her, but I got stuck in my stupid head and I panicked".
"She wants to adopt her daughter?" my best friend asked and I just shrugged, looking at her in the eyes. I didn't know how to answer that question.
"We don't even know if she already has a loving family... She wants to find her and she'll see what will happen next" I answered.
"And if she doesn't?" That question took me off guard. I didn't know, and frankly, I was trying to avoid that possibility.
"I don't know... I think Carina would want us to adopt her, but how do I deal with a teenager?".
"And do you want to adopt her? If there is a chance, would you do it?" Andy kept asking questions that I didn't know how to answer, making me frustrated.
"Yes... No... I mean, I don't know!" I exclaimed "You know I want to have a family with Carina, I really do, but I'm not ready for a sixteen years old kid. I don't want to mess things up. I thought that I would have had the time to learn how to be a parent, you know. I thought that I would have had a newborn, then a toddler, a child and finally a teenager... And now I feel this weight on my chest, and I can't talk about it with Carina because she's so happy about this...".
"I know that you love to plan and that you're a control freak, but life doesn't always follow plans. Life just keeps going... And I know you, Maya. You may be scared now, but you won't mess up anything. Whatever is going to happen, you'll be fine" she reassured me.
"Thanks Andy... God, I needed someone to talk about this with" I breathed out, feeling a little bit better.
Andy looked sadly at me. We were still on the floor and I probably looked like a fucking mess, but I didn't care, I was just happy that the weight on my chest was lighter. I could finally breathe again.
"It's nothing, I'm here for you" Andy answered "But May... I know that you feel like you can't, but you should really talk to your wife about it. I know it's her kid, but she would want to know what you think about all of this... I mean, this is a huge deal".
"I know this is huge, but I'm scared that this is going to break Carina's heart... She has so much hope that I'm scared a negative outcome will be too much. I don't want to see her hurt" I explained, saying for the first time what my biggest fear was. Yes, I was terrified of making a mess with Carina's kid, but what was paralyzing me was the idea of my wife... My kind, beautiful and hopeful wife being hurt by a possible rejection.
"I bet she's scared too, but that doesn't mean that you can't rely on each other...".
"I am scared" Carina said from the door, and I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks "But Andy's right. You can talk to me about all of this".
"How much did you hear?" I asked without looking at her in the eyes, ashamed of myself.
"Andy's question about adopting her, you talking about your anxiety and her calling you a control freak..." she answered, entering the office and sitting in front of me, next to Andy.
"I'm sorry Carina... I'm so, so sorry. I'm happy for you and I want you to find her. I just... I'm sorry" I sobbed, putting my head on my knees.
Carina was silent, and my anxiety was making me think that she had left me alone, but then I felt her fingertips touching my hand slightly. Without saying anything, she just grabbed my hand, holding it tightly.
"It's okay, you have nothing to be sorry for. Did you hear me? You don't have to feel sorry, my love. You are my wife and whatever is going to happen will affect you somehow, so you have the right to have opinions and emotions about it. But please Bambina, don't shut me out just because we are talking about my daughter" she said softly.
"What do you want to do if we find her?" I asked stuttering.
She looked at me with a sad smile, and I knew that she was thinking of a way to say something that wouldn't freak me out.
"I'm not gonna lie, I would love to take her in... But if that is a problem for you, if you don't feel okay with all of it, I will be happy with knowing her. That's all I ask... But Maya, next time talk to me if we are not on the same page" she answered and my tears stopped.
She was willing to do that for me...
"And also we still have to take a pregnancy test..." she whispered and I smiled sadly, patting the space next to me on the floor. When she sat next to me, I just put my head on her shoulder, enjoying the familiar comfort that my wife's touch gave to me.
She kissed my head and she remained next to me, quietly reassuring me with her presence. She was not going to leave me...
"I'm gonna go tell the others to stay away for a while. Take your time, captain" Andy spoke from the door and I lifted my gaze to meet hers, nodding a little.
"Thanks Andy, I'm glad you were here" I said and she smiled.
"It was nothing May, I'm always here if you need someone to talk to".

A.N. Hi, I'm finally back with a new chapter. I'm so thankful to every single one of you, because Butterfly Effect reached 300 readers!!!! This is amazing, so thank you again.
Let me know what you think.