Butterfly Effect

9: 3a.m. And I'm still awake

Hailee's Pov

Dinner was really good, Carina's cooking was incredible, but Maya was still lost in her head and really quiet, making me worried again.
Carina said that she had a mental illness and that it wasn't my fault, but when I went back to my room I couldn't stop thinking about the possibility that this was, indeed, all because of my presence in their life.
Around midnight, Carina knocked on my door, wishing me to have a good night of sleep and reminding me that Maya and her were just down the hall. Maya wasn't with her...
"Maya?" I asked in a whisper. I wasn't really sure that I wanted an answer, but I knew that Carina was going to give me one anyway.
"She's still shaken in our room, but she wanted to say goodnight too" she explained with a small smile and that familiar sense of guilt came back in my soul, burning like a fire in the woods.
"Night Carina... Say goodnight to Maya too, please" I said and she closed the door, leaving me alone in the dark.
Growing up I've always loved the dark because it was the place where I could hide from the pain and the monsters of my life... But in that moment, the dark wasn't as calming as I've always imagined it. It was scary. Not knowing what they really thought of me was really scary.
"I'm Hailee Donovan, and i will not be afraid" I mumbled, thinking about my favorite book character of all times who used to repeat that sentence when she was scared. I thought that if I used it too, I would have been as strong as her.
After a couple of minutes, still whispering that quote to myself, I closed my eyes and I fell into a horrible sleep full of nightmares. I dreamt about my foster dad and his weight crushing me against the mattress, the smell of whiskey in his breath and the constant unbearable pain.
The nightmare seemed so real that at one point I woke alone in my bed, with one hand pressed against my chest, feeling my heart that was beating way too fast, silent sobs and choked breaths. I felt like I was drowning and someone was pushing my head deeper under the surface of the water.
I looked at the clock on my phone and I noticed that it was only 3 a.m, realizing that I wasn't going to be able to sleep again that night...
Maybe a glass of fresh water could've helped me... Yeah, that was what I needed to calm down.
I got off the bed, walking in the corridor barefoot on the freezing floor, entering quietly in the kitchen and turning on the lights.
I looked everywhere for a glass, but I didn't know where Maya and Carina kept them, so I just searched for one in every single place without finding it.
"Hey Hailee, what are you doing up at 3 a.m.?" a voice asked and I jumped with fear, seeing Maya with a curious look on her face. I didn't want to open up about my nightmare with her, but I had to come up with an explanation.
"I needed a glass of water... But I don't know where the glasses are" I was hoping that she wouldn't notice my shallow breath, the pearls of sweat on my forehead and my shaky hands. All signs of the terrible nightmare that I'd just had.
She looked at me and I realized that she knew the real reason behind my lack of sleep, but she chose to keep it for herself and gave me the choice to talk about it. I was really grateful for that...
"They are right here" she said, showing me the place, then she filled one with cold water and she gave it to me. I swallowed it without looking at her, scared to see a judgemental look on her face.
I washed the glass and I put it back with the rest of the glasses, and then I followed Maya in the living room, sitting next to her on the couch.
"Don't you want to go back to sleep?" she asked softly.
"I don't think I'll be able to fall asleep again. I keep seeing him, and feel his arms around my body" I explained, shivering. I didn't mean to tell her that, but Maya was just so easy to talk to.
"I'm really sorry Lia..." she whispered and a small smile appeared on my face at the nickname. I've never had one before. No one cared enough to give me one...
"And you? Are you not able to fall asleep either?" I asked quietly, scared to have crossed a boundary with her.
"I know that tonight I won't fall asleep... Insomnia is a very unpleasant side effect of my anxiety..." she said and I realized that this was all because of this afternoon. It was my fault...
I thought of that all day, blaming myself for Maya's anxiety, and even if Carina's voice was still in my head, I couldn't bring myself to listen and believe those words.
"Were you... were you anxious because I'm here?" I asked again and silence filled the room.

Maya's Pov

The question that she asked took me off guard. She deserved to live a life where she didn't have to feel the blame for something that just happened.
"No Lia, It's not your fault that i had an anxiety attack" I responded, but she didn't look too convinced by my statement.
She was stuck in her own head, exactly like I was that afternoon, so I decided that I needed to explain that I was happy that she was there with us and that today was not related to her presence.
I put my hands on hers and her beautiful eyes froze in mine. She was scared and lonely, but I showed her my kindest gaze and a simple but heartwarming smile.
"Lia, I have a mental disease called borderline personality disorder, and this makes it harder for me to deal with big emotions like the ones I had today..." I blurted out without thinking.
"What's... What's that?" she whispered, playing with my wedding band. God, she looked so much like her mother at that moment.
"It means that sometimes I don't know how to process my emotions in a healthy way. I might have panic attacks, depression, irrational thinking, I don't accept help very often and sometimes I struggle with suicidal thoughts...".
Hailee gasped, looking at everything but me.
"Lia, listen to me please? I'm okay. I know it sounds scary right now and that maybe I explained it in the worst way possible, but I'm getting help and I take meds to help me even more and stay healthy" I said and just like before, her eyes rose from the floor and locked in mine.
"How can you live like this? Isn't it hard, or awful?" she kept on playing with my ring, when I heard her yawning.
"Hey Lia, are you tired? Do you want to try and sleep for a few more hours? Today was a lot for you..." I asked and she swiftly shook her head.
She was fighting sleep like it was the worst curse in the entire world.
"Why don't you want to sleep, Hailee?".
"I'm afraid that if I go to sleep, I'll wake up in my old life. I'm afraid that you won't be here in the morning. If this is just a dream, I don't think that I want to wake up from it" she answered and something in me clicked. I had the same thoughts when I started to date Carina, because for me it looked too good to be true.
"And I know that It's just stupid, because if it meant to be a dream, then it will be a dream, but I am terrified to lose this feeling of safety now that I finally have it" she finished.
"I know that it looks unreal, because you've never had something like this before. But we aren't going anywhere..." I answered, moving a lock of her brown curls behind her ear "And it's not a stupid fear. Nothing that scares you is stupid...".
"Do you think it is possible for you to stay with me until I fall asleep?" she questioned and I stared at her for a split second.
In the darkness she looked younger than any other sixteen years old kid, and the fact that she looked so much like Carina gave me an idea of what my wife might have been when she was her age. She was so much stronger and resilient than anyone, even if she was hiding terrible scars from her past.
"Of course Hailee... I'll stay with you" I answered, and together we walked to her room, laying down on her bed. I was playing with her hair and she was cuddling me like I was the teddy bear that kids use when they are afraid of the dark.
It was calming, and for the first time I felt a kind of love that was completely different from the romantic love that I'd discovered with Carina. I was different from the love that I had for my brother. It was as strong as those ones, but totally different. It was... I don't know... Mother love.
"Maya" she mumbled in her sleep.
"Yes Hailee, what's up?" I asked in a whisper, and she got even closer to me.
"Can you keep calling me Lia? I've never had a nickname before..." she finished and I realized that she had fallen asleep with her arms wrapped around me.
"Goodnight Lia. I'll be here" I said, finally closing my eyes.

A.N. Hi, I'm back! This chapter means so much to me, and the little nickname that Maya gives to Hailee is something that I'm particularly proud of. What did you think about it?