Butterfly Effect

23: From the ashes

Maya's Pov

I was feeling much better than before, like I was actually able to control my own thoughts. Carina has been a saint sent from heaven during my crisis, and now she was working a bit with some charts that she had there, while I was trying to meditate like Diane suggested to me.
Suddenly the door opened, and Hailee rushed through the hallway, shutting herself in her room. I could hear her sobbing behind the door, so I looked at Carina, asking her with my eyes what we could do for her.
"Can I talk to her?" I asked and my wife looked at me with a half smile.
"Are you sure? Today was already a lot for you" Carina said and I thought about it for a moment, nodding after a while. She was my daughter, I will always be by her side when things are not okay. I would not be like my father...
"I'm sure. I want to talk with her and show her that we will be there for her no matter what. I won't be like Lane. I want to be the kind of parent that she trusts when things aren't okay" I explained and my wife listened to me quietly, realizing how important it was for me.
Without saying anything else, I walked to Lia's room and I opened her door slowly, seeing her with her face buried in her pillow to muffle the sound of her sobs.
"Lia..." I said softly "Do you want to talk about it?".
She stopped crying, still with her face hidden in the pillow,and she nodded slowly, so I sat on her bed and I thought for a while about what to say.
"Is it because of the test?" I tried unsure, my voice was barely more than a whisper.
"No... I-I-I got 83%" she mumbled as her voice cracked. Seeing her so small and tense couldn't stop my mind from going back to my own high school years... She reminded me of myself and the desperate tears after a long afternoon of track and field.
"That's wonderful, honey... I knew that you could do it" I complimented her "So what's wrong? Something happened?".
"I... I-I-I fucked up everything" she stuttered "I'm so fu-fucking stupid... And now e-everything went to shit".
I let her look into her emotions, not caring much about the swear words.
"I'm sure you haven't fucked up" I said and she shook her head, convinced about her opinion.
"What happened?" I asked "Maybe we can find a solution together".
"I kissed her" her voice arrived to my ears in a whisper, and she was talking like she was saying something terrible.
Wait... Kissed! Kissed who?
"Who did you kiss, Lia?" I said. My daughter had kissed someone!
I was confused... She kissed a girl and she came home in tears... That girl needed to have a word with me. No one could make my beautiful sweet girl cry.
"Manon..." she admitted and I froze. Her best friend!
"I've been liking her since the beginning of the year, then we-we became friends and today she was saying some wonderful things about me... About us... So I just kissed her. She kissed me back and she was careful and sweet, going at my pace... After a while I had a... A flashback, I think, and then I froze. I didn't have the strength to explain why I f-f-froze, so I ran home. I fucked up with her, Mom..." she blurted out and my inner turmoil calmed down. Manon had been nothing but sweet with Lia, so I didn't need to tell her to respect my baby. She would do it anyway...
"Why don't you try and explain to her why you ran away? She's Manon, you know she will listen to you..." I suggested and she let out a shaky breath.
"How can I do it? How can I tell the girl that I like, that kissing her was magical, but that at some point her gentle fingers turned into my rapist's? Or that my screwed up brain transformed the sweet taste of roses and chocolate into the painful taste of rum? How can I... How can I tell her that moaning is something that reminds me of him and the reactions that my body shouldn't have had".
I was speechless and heartbroken in front of her confession. Every single one of her words was like a dagger in my chest and it was ripping air out of my lungs. This was unfair...
Lia shouldn't have had all of her first experience taken away from her. She shouldn't fear the rush of adrenaline that flows through your veins when you kiss the person that makes your heart skip a beat. She shouldn't fear the small, loving touches that are exchanged between two lovers or the reactions of her body to something so pure and simple...
"I know that I can't change your past Lia, but I also know that since Manon has been in your life, you are smiling more and more everyday... It takes time to heal, that's something that I know, and it can be easier if you let the people who love you help... Manon loves you enough to be with you every step of your healing journey, just like Carina and I. You have to jump to learn how to fly, my beautiful phoenix... You burned down, but you are rising again from the ashes, ready to spread your wings and fly" I said, and for the first time since I entered the room, she raised her head from the pillow and she looked at me with bloodshot eyes.
Tears were still running down her cheeks, and in my chest I felt the urge to be the one to take away her pain.
"Like a phoenix?" she asked in a whisper.
"Just like a phoenix, Lia... I know that you can do it. Carina knows that you can do it, and I'm convinced that Manon knows it too. You are strong and resilient Hailee, and I saw you walking through hell and back, getting out of there slowly. You are a phoenix rising from the ashes, and no one can stop you now...".

Hailee's Pov

My mom's words were stuck in my brain as if they had been written in it with permanent ink.
After our conversation, she stayed with me for a little bit, giving me space but showing me that she was there and that she always will be.
When I was left alone in my room, I grabbed my pair of headphones and I put them on, hoping that blasting music in my ears would stop the ring of my phone and the terrifying sound of my thoughts.
I could still feel the phantom of his hands on my body and my skin was tingling as if a million of ants were on it, giving me goosebumps and a feeling of panic.
"I'm Hailee Donovan and I will not be afraid. I'm a phoenix rising from the ashes..." I mumbled to myself over and over again, pacing back and forth in my room.
My mom said that I should give Manon the chance to understand why I left her in the middle of the street, but I was paralyzed by the idea of her blaming herself.
It wasn't her fault that my childhood was fucked up, and it wasn't her fault that my brain decided to play games with me and my memories in the middle of the best kiss of my life.
Not that she had much competition...
I could actually consider it my first real kiss. Or at least the first one in which I had the choice.
"My name is Hailee Donovan and I will not be afraid. I'm a phoenix rising from the ashes..." I repeated it again and again.
Those two sentences were like a poem learned by heart, impossible to forget. They were the light that was sending away the darkness of my own thoughts.
I felt like I was going crazy, so when my eyes looked at my bookshelf, I decided that I needed to get lost into my favorite place of all time.
I walked toward the shelves and I grabbed "Throne of Glass", thinking that Aelin's story was exactly what I needed.
Reading has been my escape from bad moments since that saga, and I still get a sense of being in the right place every time that I open that book. It was my second home...
I carefully opened my door, going into the kitchen with the book in my hands and the headphones on my head to make myself a cup of tea.
I knew that my moms were staring at me from the living room, but I didn't mind it, it actually made me feel better...
When the tea was ready, I grabbed the mug and I walked slowly to the couch, sitting close to Carina and opening that book that was in my lap.
My mamma started to play with my curls as I started to get lost in the story, noticing that the storm in my head had turned into a light drizzle.
My name is Hailee Donovan and I will not be afraid. i'm a phoenix rising from the ashes...

A.N. See you on saturday with the next chapter.