Butterfly Effect

3: We need to talk

Maya's Pov

It has been a week and a half since Hailee has been to the station, but Carina was still heartbroken and I didn't know why. I mean, Hailee's story was still so hard to think about, but Carina was literally not herself anymore...
She was barely sleeping, and the rare times that she managed to fall asleep, she would wake up with nightmares. She was drowning herself with work and when she was at home, she spent more and more time alone.
I was terribly worried, but she had shut me out completely, thinking and praying.
I've always known that her faith was strong, that she was the kind of person that went to church on sunday morning and said prayers before bed, but right now she was almost obsessively praying.
That day she was sitting on the couch with a cup of mint tea in her hands, staring at the fireplace.She seemed like the ghost of herself. The shadow of the Carina that I knew and loved so much...
"Carina?" I asked, unsure of what to do.
"Yes" she said, looking toward me for a split second. The light in her beautiful hazel eyes was gone and I wanted it back as soon as possible.
"After everything that happened last week, I tried to give you all the space that you might need to figure out your feelings, but now I'm worried Carina..." I said softly, sitting on the coffee table in front of her.
"I'm fine Maya" she whispered back.
"I'm not saying that you aren't my love, I'm saying that you have not been yourself and I wanted to talk about it... With you".
She looked at me directly in the eyes, thinking about my words, and after a couple of seconds, I could clearly see tears in the corner of her eyes.
"what is it babe? What can I do for you?" I asked nervously. Usually it was Carina the one able to make me talk about my feelings...
"It's my fault that we can't have a child... It's all my fault" she answered and I tried to understand what was the connection, failing at it.
"Carina, this is not your fault... Why would it be your fault?" I started, but she stopped me with one hand, breathing deeply.
"God's punishing me for how selfish I had been when I was younger, that's why it didn't work out. It's all because of me..." it was the first time that she was telling me something so personal connected with God, leaving me surprised. Usually she never spoke about her beliefs with me.
"Carina, you are the most selfless person I've ever known. And you know that I'm not religious and that I don't believe in God, but he's not punishing you... After all you always say that he's forgiving, so whatever this is about, he'll forgive you because you are a good person" I tried to reassure her, reaching for her hand.
"I'm not sure he's ever going to forgive me for this..." she said with a small breath.
"I don't understand my love, what did you do? It can't be something terrible... I know you. You are the best part of me, and the most wonderful person in the whole world" I asked sweetly, wanting to figure out what was happening that was upsetting my wife so much.
She didn't say anything, she just started to play with her necklace, but I knew that she was thinking about something. I knew my wife after all...
I could tell when she was upset, happy, turned on or when she was overthinking something like in that moment.
"It's because... He- he's punishing me because..." she tried to say and I squeezed her hand to provide her some sort of comfort in that hard moment.
"It's okay, you can tell me everything... I'm here for you" I whispered lovingly, looking in her eyes.
"He's punishing me because of my child... The one I had years ago" she explained and I froze, staring at her and at her worried hazel eyes.
Child? Did my wife have a child?
"Child? Carina do you... Do you have a kid?" I asked shocked and she nodded, completely terrified of my reaction.
"I'm sorry Maya... I'm sorry" she cried out and I shook my head with tears in my eyes. She didn't have to say sorry.
"You have nothing to be sorry about my love, I'm glad you told me... " I said, putting my hand on her cheek and making her look at me in the eyes. Yes, I was confused. But in that moment, the only thing that mattered to me, was to get my Carina back.
Her lips quivered as I gave her a kiss on the back of the hand.
"Can you tell me about it? Only if you want though... I don't want to force you to share something you are not ready to tell" I asked.
She got up from the couch and went to our bedroom, coming out of it a couple of minutes later with a white box in her hands.

Carina's Pov

That little white box was all that I had left of my babygirl and I was going to show that to my wife for the first time.
I saw her crying after I told her the news, and I didn't know if it was sadness, anxiety or simple shock, I just knew that when I sat next to her with that box on my knees, my heart started to beat against my ribs. I was terrified...
"I already told you that sixteen years ago, when I was twenty two, I did one year of med school here in Seattle..." I started.
"Yes, you told me that being far away from your dad and his mood swings was amazing, but that is also the year that you were raped..." she said, realizing in that moment where my story was going.
"After a month I knew that something didn't feel right, so I took a pregnancy test and I found out that it was positive... In that moment the only thing that I wanted to do was throw up, I didn't know if it was the morning sickness or me panicking though, and then I talked to my mom and I found her help, and Andrea's one, the perfect cure to my anxiety" I said, smiling a little at the memory of the people that I've lost.
"At first I thought it was a cruel joke... I had been raped and I was pregnant, but then I realized that it was a little guardian angel sent to make me feel better after that awful event, or at least that's what I thought about it, so I decided to keep the baby..." I paused, opening the box.
"I decided to keep every single ultrasound because I knew from the start of my pregnancy that I was going to have a child, but I was not going to be a mother...".
"What happened then?" Maya asked, frowning. I didn't have the strength to look at her gorgeous blue eyes. I was scared of what I could have seen in them.
"I was thirty five weeks when she was born... It was almost midnight of July 22nd 2006 and I had been in labor for twenty hours. My doctor was the reason behind my choice of specialty, so I could help someone in the same way she had helped me" I said, taking her little footprint from the box.
"I got the chance to hold her and to tell her how much I love her... Then she was brought to the NICU and I never saw my babygirl again" I said with a shaky voice and tears running down my face.
Maya silently took my daughter's footprint from my hand, tracing the outline with her finger.
"You... You have a girl?" she whispered and in her voice there was something that I couldn't understand. She seemed happy...
I nodded swiftly at her question.
"Does she have a name? I mean, I know she has one but... Did you choose her name?" she asked and I smiled behind the tears at that question. Maya didn't hate me for this...
"I couldn't name her, so legally I don't know her name... But I named her in my heart" I touched my necklace. "I named her Benedetta. That's why I have this little B".
"That's a beautiful name, my love... I bet she is perfect" Maya said, giving me back the little footprint. I put that away in the box and I grabbed her hand for comfort. Maya was my strength, and in that moment I needed her to be strong for the both of us...
"She had heterochromia, her left eye was different from the right one... And a week ago... When I saw Hailee, I thought about my babygirl and I started to see how awful the system is. What if I fucked up and she's being abused? What if I didn't protect her as I thought I would?" I explained my fears and I felt Maya starting to move closer to me.
"That's why you wanted to take her with us?" she asked and I nodded.
"I wanted to protect her because I can't protect Benedetta... And I know that's horrible, but I felt the need to make her feel safe" I said embarrassed by my answer. What kind of doctor does something like that?
"You weren't a doctor that day... You were a mother worried for her child" Maya answered and I realized that I had thought about it out loud.
"I know it's a lot to ask, but I think that I want to find her..." I said, looking at her in the eyes. They were watery...
"Who? Hailee?" she asked confused, trying to figure out who that person was.
"No, I want to find my daughter".

A.N. Hi readers, we are finally going deeper in Carina's story. What do you think about it?
Also, I wanted to warn you that I'll post the new chapter next week because I'll be away from home for a while.