Butterfly Effect

17: Jealousy

Maya's Pov

After five hours spent fighting a huge fire in an old chemical factory and two more hours at Grey Sloan to get checked out and cleared by doctors, we were finally riding back to the station, ready to go home after that endless shift.
On the engine, I was stuck in my head, drowning in waves of guilt, still thinking about how Hailee called me when I was leaving my office.
"Captain? Maya? Maya!" Andy called loudly from her seat and I was ripped out of my thoughts, coming back to reality.
"What?" I asked, tired and scared to face my daughter after everything that had happened the day before.
"Are you okay? You kinda look out of it..." she said and I thought about what to say for a while. I wanted to lie and say that I was fine, I wanted to run until my legs would feel numb so I could escape from my problems... But I knew that I couldn't. I wasn't that person anymore... Not after everything that had happened last year.
"I'm not sure" I answered honestly "I'm still trying to figure it out right now".
"I can help you with that if you want" Andy said, and I remained silent for a bit, trying to put order inside my head. My best friend was looking at the street, probably thinking that I wasn't ready to talk about it, when I turned to face her.
"She called me mom... And I left" I whispered.
"Wait what? Mini-Bishop called you mom?" Andy looked surprised about it, and I had to admit that I was pretty shocked too.
"You know that I hate that nickname... But yes, she did" I answered with the small hint of a smile on my lips.
"You love that nickname!" Andy responded, shaking her head at me.
"You're right, I actually love it" we oth giggled at that, but after a while silence came back between us and I started to get lost in my thoughts again.
"Why are you not sure you're okay? Hailee called you mom, It's a wonderful thing, Bishop" she said and I let out a long breath.
"I left for the fire... She begged me to stay, my daughter begged me to stay, she'd even called me mom for the first time, but I left her. I left her, knowing exactly how scared she is about the idea of us abandoning her. After I told that we would never abandon her...".
"Maya, she knows that you were leaving for work and not leaving her... Now, take a shower because you stink, and then run home to your wife and your kid, they'd want to see that you're alright, captain" my best friend commented, and when we got to the station, I did what she told me to do, showering quickly to remove the smell of smoke and jumping in my car, driving swiftly toward home.
I opened the door with my key, expecting to find my daughter and my wife asleep, since it was almost half past three in the morning, but when I entered the apartment, I saw the kitchen light still on. I walked through the hall to our living room, seeing that Carina was still awake and Hailee was sleeping on her lap.
The TV was on, and the news was still talking about that huge fire...
"Honey, I'm home" I whispered, knowing that the sentence was a common joke between my wife and I.
Hearing that, Carina turned her gaze in my direction with a tired smile on her face. I could easily say that she was fighting sleep, just from the position of her shoulders.
"What are you doing awake? It's the middle of the night" I asked, sitting next to her on the couch and she leaned her head in the crook of my neck, breathing in my scent.
"When we got here, we watched the news together, but Lia was so tired that she fell asleep while I was scratching her scalp..." she said, yawning "I tried to sleep too, but I couldn't do that without knowing if you were okay...".
"I'll bring her to her room, and then I'll hold you until you can't stand me anymore" I said, kissing her forehead and lifting Lia from the couch, holding her tightly against my chest.
I walked through our home with Hailee in my arms with Carina following from behind, and then I put our daughter to bed, tucking her under the duvet and giving her a kiss on the top of the head.
"Goodnight mom... I'm glad you're back" she mumbled in her sleep and I smiled.
It wasn't a one time thing... She was seriously calling me mom...
"I love you babygirl. Goodnight" I said and I walked with Carina to our room.
Carina jumped under the covers and she looked sadly at me while I changed into something more comfortable. After that I just lied down next to my wife, and I hugged her from behind, feeling her shift in my arms, trying to hide a feeling of discomfort.
"My love... Are you okay?" I asked with uncertainty that filled my words.
"I'm okay Maya" she answered sniffling, and that was all it took me to realize that she wasn't okay as she was trying to show.
"Please my love, talk to me" I said and she turned sound, giving me the chance to see her watery eyes and her face wet from the tears.

Carina's Pov

Seeing Maya's eyes so worried for me made me feel even more guilty than before, and I hated that.
"I'm awful, and I love you... But I think that I don't deserve you in my life" I admitted and my wife wiped the tears from my face. Her hands were so delicate and soft on my cheeks, making me feel even more horrible.
"You are not awful Carina" she said and I shook my head, convinced of my own opinion.
"Tonight I was so worried for you Bella, it was like my heart was going to get out of my chest because of how fast it was beating..." I started "Like usual, I was praying to God to let you get home safely, but while I was thinking, I started to get upset...".
"Why were you upset?" Maya asked "Is it something that I did?".
"No, you did nothing wrong Bella. It's just that, you know, he gave me back my sweet girl, my daughter... But she called you mom, I remained Carina".
Maya was going to say something, I could see that, but I stopped her, knowing that I had one last thing to take off my shoulders.
"After you left for the fire, I calmed Hailee down until she asked me to come back home, using the name Carina... And I know that it's something positive, probably even a miracle that she is feeling safe enough to use the word mom, but I'm upset that she didn't use it with me. I'm her mother, biologically at least, and even if I know that you love her just as much as I do, and I consider you to be her mother just as much as I am, a part of my brain is still convinced that it's unfair that you got this before me... See, I told you I'm awful".
Maya remained silent, slowly caressing my cheeks in the darkness of our room.
"Are you... Are you jealous, my love?" she asked and I realized that the terrible feeling in my head was jealousy. embarrassed, I buried my face in the crook of her neck.
"Maybe..." I answered, starting to feel Maya's fingers that were tracing patterns on my back. It was so relaxing, and she knew that I loved that gesture...
"I know that you feel like all of this is unfair to you, but Lia calling me mom is not going to change the fact that you are her mother, that you're the person who gave her life..." she whispered in my ear, continuing her drawing on my spine and giving me chills.
"I love that girl like she is a part of me that I didn't even know was missing, and the fact that you'd spent months creating her, in the worst moment of your life, and that you're doing it again with our second child makes me realize how lucky I am to have you in my life, and how much I love you... You are the most wonderful mother that a kid could ask for. Hailee knows it too, she just needs time to realize it".
Maya' speech was simple and, knowing her, she was doing it to cheer me up, to give me hope, but the result that she obtained was not the one she was expecting. I just started to sob into her shoulder...
"Hey, hey no... I-I didn't... I didn't want to make you cry... I'm sorry my love, please don't cry..." she said with a hint of panic in her voice.
"I hate these stupid hormones, I cry for everything" I commented with a laugh between the tears. God, I felt like I was going crazy.
"I love you Maya Bishop, and I love how much you love our children, and I'm happy that Hailee called you mom, because you're an amazing one for her" I said, yawning.
My wife smiled at me with love and affection.
"Go to sleep my love... Today was a lot for everyone" she said and I rested my forehead on her chest, smiling at the regular sound of her heart that was beating for me and our children.