Butterfly Effect

29: Memories hurt like shit

A.N. Hi guys, happy Halloween.
Today's chapter is not easy to read and it was particularly hard for me to write. Please be mindful of that.

Carina's Pov

Seattle, December 2005...

I was getting ready to go out that night because a friend of mine was having a Christmas party and I wanted to forget the stress of university for just one night. One night to drink and dance with friends...
I had put on a beautiful white dress that made my skin complexion glow and made me feel good about myself.
"Mamma, I'm heading out now. I'll be back late tonight" I yelled "Or tomorrow..." I added in a whisper, hoping to have a bit of fun with someone tonight...
"Ew... Gross" Andrea commented from the doorstep of the room.
"Oh grow up, fratellino (Little brother)" I mocked him, opening the door and finally going out.
I arrived at the location of the party and my friend invited me in, putting a weird drink in my hand, deciding not to waste any time without alcohol.
I tried it a bit unsure, and the bitter taste of alcohol burned my throat as I swallowed it slowly.
After a couple of drinks as strong as the first one, my mind started to get cloudy and my thoughts started to get confused, but I begun to dance to the music, getting lost in the beat of the song that was blasting through the speakers
Dancing was something that I've always loved doing, it made me feel free, it helped me forget about my very difficult father and the weight of my classes in medical school. It was the valve that I used to let out all of my pent up emotions. When I danced, I was simply Carina...
By midnight I was slightly drunk, and I was lost in a dance with a beautiful woman that was as wasted as me, with gorgeous green eyes and raven hair. She was a great dancer and I was totally attracted to her, but at one point I started to get dizzy.
"I'll be back bella, I need to drink something that doesn't have alcohol in it" I said in her ear and she nodded with a small grin on her red lips.
I walked toward the kitchen of my friend's house, and as I got there I grabbed a clean red solo cup and filled it with water, slowly sipping from it and waiting for the dizziness to disappear.
I stayed there alone for a while, enjoying the silence that was so different from the chaos that was everywhere in the rest of the party.
"What is a woman as beautiful as you doing alone at a party?" a low male voice arrived into my ears.
"I'm not alone" I answered "I just needed a moment of quiet".
"Well, I can stay here with you for a bit... We can get to know each other" he said again and I turned around so I could look at him, focusing on his dark black eyes and his curly brown hair. He was good looking, but I already had my mind set on who I wanted to spend my night with.
"I'm sorry, but I would like to be alone..." I answered with my accent a bit stronger because of the alcohol.
"Oh... Well okay. I'll leave" he responded, surprising me with his sweetness after the rejection. "I'm just gonna get you more water".
He was kind, and for a brief moment I definitely wanted to change my mind and spend more time in his company.
When I turned back to me with a glass in his hands and a sweet smile, I grabbed the glass from his grip, taking a long sip of water.
"Thank you..." I smiled, but just after a couple of minutes everything started to spin. My head felt light... The music that was blasting in the next room arrived in muffled sounds to my ears...
"What... What's happening?" I said in a whisper, stumbling with my steps as I tried to go back to the party.
"Don't worry beautiful, I'm gonna take care of you" he answered with a grin, walking closer and closer to me. His smile that was so genuine a few minutes ago, now seemed like it came out from my worst nightmares.
He grabbed my arms, holding them so tightly that I knew right away that they were going to leave bruises all over my skin.
"Go away" I cried out "Please... Don't".
"But I know that you want it as much as I do. Why would you dress like a slut if you don't want guys to have fun with you?" he whispered, nibbling my ears with his teeth.
I shook my head, praying to God to save me, to give me the strength to push him away... But I was frozen.
Still with his hands wrapped around my wrists, he dragged me into a dark bathroom...

The next morning...

I woke up on the floor of the bathroom, feeling excruciating pain in every part of my body and a wave of shame. A lot of shame...
Why did I let this happen to me? Why did I take that glass?
I stood up, taking a few wobbly steps on my shaky legs and reaching the sink to watch myself in the mirror.
I hated everything about my reflection. I hated to see the smudged lipstick around my mouth and the signs of my mascara ruined by the tears. I hated to see the blood marks on my neck and cleavage...
I quickly tried to fix my dress, which I now hated more than anything else, and I started my walk of shame toward home, feeling on my exposed skin the harsh bites of Seattle's weather.
While I was walking home, a guy who was probably as hungover as I was started to whistle at me, making me hate myself and the damn confidence that I'd had the night before when I chose that dress.
If it wasn't for me... Maybe if I had chosen a different dress this wouldn't have happened... Maybe I asked for it...
I arrived at home and I opened the door with my keys, finding my little brother there with a cup of American coffee in his hands, waiting for me.
"So, how was it? Did you find someone you could hook up with? You came home with the same dress, so I bet you did..." he said cheerfully, almost like he wanted to make fun of me. If that was a normal morning, I would have answered honestly and I would have shared all the details that would have made him cover his ears and walk away. But that one wasn't a normal morning and I wasn't my usual self...
I bursted into tears and fell to my knees on the floor, trying to muffle the sounds of my sobs with my hands. I wanted to scream until my head was empty, but all I could do was cry.
"Carina? What... What happened to you?" He asked with concern, brushing his fingers on my back in a comforting gesture, but that made me flinch, jolting away from his touch.
"Don't touch me!" I yelled, still feeling the ghost of that guy's fingers wrapped around my arms and on my thighs, holding me still while he did what he wanted with me.
Noticing his confused look, I curled up on the floor, bringing my knees closer to my chest.
"Bambina... Who did this to you?" my mom said as she came downstairs, probably awake because of my scream.
"Did what?"my brother asked, even more confused than before.
"I'm sorry..." I whispered between sobs "I promise that I tried to stop him... Ho detto no, Mamma (I said no, mamma), please believe me? I said no but he did it anyway".
Andrea's eyes widened in realization, but before he could say anything, my mom stopped him with a silent warning.
"You don't have to say sorry, Carina" she said firmly "Non è stata colpa tua, bambina (It was not your fault, bambina). I don't want you to blame yourself... You were assaulted, it is not your fault".
My mom and I had a weird relationship, but it was especially during the difficult moments that I felt like she was the only person keeping me together.
"Why don't you go upstairs and have a nice bubble bath to wash away the night? Then we are gonna start from there. Un passo alla volta, bambina (One step at the time, bambina)" my mom said as she helped me get up from the floor and walk upstairs.
I entered the small bathroom connected to my room and I ripped the white dress off my body, not wanting to feel the fabric on my skin anymore.
It felt like it was burning me...
My reflection in the mirror showed a person that I could not recognize, that I didn't want to recognize. I had hickeys all over my neck, and dark bruises on my forearms, my stomach, my ribcage and on my thighs, where I could still feel the ghost of his fingers as he used me for his pleasure.
My eyes moved quickly away from the mirror, and I entered the bathtub feeling nothing and everything all at once. While I was soaking in the water, as I tried to scrub away my shame, I started to wish that everything would just disappear.
How easy would it be to just dissolve and never feel anything ever again? No pain, no hate toward myself...
At that moment, I decided to let myself fall apart, to let myself be consumed by self hatred and shame... Slowly losing myself and becoming numb.
I became the shadow of who I was before. I became a ghost of myself...

A.N. We discovered a lot today about our Carina and her past, but on Friday you'll have the second part of her backstory. I hope you liked it. See you on Friday.