Butterfly Effect

25: Life path

Hailee's Pov

Being the lead role in the school's musical was a huge dream of mine, but it was also a huge commitment and a lot of hard work.
Everyday I was trying to deal with school, homework, rehearsal, my family and my girlfriend... Arriving completely exhausted at night.
"Hailee, I love your voice, but when you sing "Slipping through my fingers" you don't give off the right emotions" Mr Paige said "This song is really important for Donna because it's the expression of her relationship with Sophie".
"I don't know how to show those feelings..." I mumbled.
"Well... try to think about your mother and your favorite memories with her from your childhood. I don't know... Birthdays, vacations... Just think of the love that your parents have for you and use it" he explained and, without even realizing it, tears started to form in my eyes.
I didn't know what the love of a parent felt like. I've never had it...
My mother left me and my father did exactly the same thing. They didn't love me at all... They didn't care about me, and all of those good, happy memories were taken away from me.
A part of my brain was screaming that Maya and Carina loved me, but in my mind that was a different kind of love. Yes, they cared for me, but I wasn't their child, so I was actually convinced that the love that they had for my brother was something totally different from the one that they felt for me.
"Hailee, what's wrong? Did I say something that upset you?" Mr Paige asked with concern.
"I don't... I've-I've been in the system all of my life... I don't have good memories with my parents..." I cried out and his face closed off at the realization of what his words meant to me.
"Okay... I'm sorry for what I said. I shouldn't assume anything" he apologized "But are you staying with someone right now?".
"My first good family" I answered with a small smile.
"Think about them. If you feel safe with that family, use it. Think about what you do together that makes you feel safe..." he encouraged me and I started to think about the moments where I felt like I belonged there with them.
The first night in the apartament and the conversation with Maya in the middle of the night, the afternoons I'd spent with Carina in a bookstore, the days at the station, my first Christmas with them and the fact that they spoiled me with gifts even if I didn't ask for anything, when Maya opened up about the butterflies, my coming out with Carina...
I smiled softly at those memories, and as I was ready to try and sing the song one more time, the bell rang, announcing the end of the school day.
"Okay guys, this is it for today. Good work everyone" Mr Paige said "And I want to remind you that I need all of your authorizations signed by your parents or your guardians. You can't be on the stage this Friday if I don't have them".
We said our goodbyes and we all walked out of school. I thought that I had to walk back to the station by myself, but instead, Carina was waiting for me in her car.
"Ciao mamma" I said, sitting in the front seat of the Porsche.
"Ciao Bambina" she responded cheerfully, but just in a couple of seconds, she noticed that my eyes were red from the tears.
"What happened? Was it Jasper again?" she asked and I smiled at her protectiveness. People didn't know this, but no one could say or do something bad to me and Maya without facing a very angry Carina.
"I'm having a hard time with an emotional scene. I promise, nothing bad has happened".
"Okay..." she started "But I'm sure that you'll be great on that stage this Friday. The emotions will come to you when you need them. I believe in you Bambina, and I can't wait to see you perform".
"Thanks mamma" I said "And I need you to sign my authorization for Friday or I can't act".
"I'll sign it Bambina, don't worry about it..." she smiled and her usual playlist of Italian songs started to play in the background.
"So, what do you want to do this afternoon? I'm off from work and I want to spend some time with my favorite girl" she asked.
"Mom will be disappointed to know that I'd stolen her spot" I joked and we laughed together. It felt so nice that for a brief second I wished that both of them were my real parents...
"Maya will understand... And she's not the only one who lost the spot. I've lost it too in your mom's heart" she answered and a fluttering feeling appeared in my stomach. Did they really love me that much?
"So, any ideas for this afternoon?" she asked again and I smiled widely.
"Can we go to the beach? I've never been to one..." I proposed and she nodded with a hint of sadness in her eyes.

Carina's Pov

When we arrived at the beach, the salt air made me realize how many things she missed during her life. Things that were normal for a lot of people were completely new for her.
And I was the only person to blame for that...
"This place is amazing" she said as we sat on an old picnic blanket that I had in my car "It's beautiful".
"And you haven't seen the sea in Italy..." I responded "There are places where the water is so clear and the sun is so shiny that it seems like paradise".
"I would love to go to Italy... After you and mom took me in, I did a lot of research about your country. It's fascinating..." she admitted and gave me so much happiness.
"I was thinking, and I talked with Maya about it, to bring you there after your brother is born..." I said "It could be your birthday gift. And also, I want to share with you my favorite day of the year in Italy. San Lorenzo has a special place in my heart...".
"Would you really take me with you? To your home?" she asked unsure and I nodded swiftly.
"I went to Italy with Maya once, and when we were there I told her that I wanted my family to see where I grew up. You are part of our family Lia, and I would love to share that part of me with you" I answered and she started to stare at the horizon in silence.
"Can you talk about your childhood there? Family, school, friends..." Lia said quietly, almost afraid to ask.
"There is not much to say..." I started "My parents got divorced when I was young, and then my mom moved here with my brother while I stayed back in Italy with my father because he needed someone to take care of him".
"How old were you?" she asked.
"I was sixteen, I was in high school and my dad just got diagnosed with Bipolar... I was a good student, but there was a moment of my life where I went through a crisis. I was tired and overwhelmed, school was too much and my dad was a hassle. I started to have panic attacks, but instead of asking for help I started to spiral and I did a lot of stuff with a bunch of people that wasn't really good for me, like sneak out of the house to get drunk on the beach or smoke weed in the school's bathrooms..." I answered honestly and she turned her head toward me.
"I'm sorry" she whispered.
"It's okay Bambina. I'm okay now... I learned how to ask for help" I smiled softly and she responded with a sad stare.
"But why do you want to go back there if it's full of bad moments?".
"Because I also have a lot of amazing memories" I said calmly "The main difference is in the summer... Here everything goes at superspeed, but in Italy there is this sense of calm and peace during the summer... I also love the fact that I feel closer to my mother there. I miss her a lot, and right now that you are here with me, I can't stop myself from imagining her as a grandmother. She would have loved you...".
"And your dad? Are you two close?" she asked, and I started to wonder if all of these questions came from her desire to know about her own parents. Maybe I should ask Maya what to do... Should I tell Lia that I'm her mother? Was I ready to talk about my past?
"I don't speak with him anymore... I didn't want his abuse to change me, so I left. I did a year here in Seattle when I was in med school, and when I went back, I rented a small apartment and I started to live on my own... We kept texting and calling each other until my brother's death. That moment shattered our relationship" I said, not wanting to lie to her about it.
I was already doing that for a lot of other things...
"I'm sorry mamma" she said and I froze. Why was she sorry? It wasn't her fault that our family was a complete mess.
"It's not your fault honey. I'm proud of my life now" I answered and she smiled.
"I know that it's not my fault, but you shouldn't have gone through that...".
"Life is never what we expect it to be. It follows its own path and it has its ups and its downs... I know that it wasn't fair with me when I was a teenager, just like it wasn't fair with you during the first years of your life..." I started "I personally believe in God, you know I do, and I'm convinced that every challenge was a test to my faith. At the end, God brought you into my life".
"Isn't that cruel?" she asked "I mean, I don't know if I believe in God or not, but it seems unfair to put people through tough situations just to prove their faith".
I sat closer to her, hugging her tightly and starting to play with her curls.
"I don't think it's cruel, but I understand why you feel like this. If you don't want to think about God and his will, you can think about fate, destiny or even nothing at all, but don't think for a single second that I'm not happy with the life that I had. Because that life connected our paths...".

A.N. People asked for more scene between Carina and Lia, so there it is. Hope you like it. Let me know.