Butterfly Effect

26: Truth hurts

Hailee's Pov

The next day I was going to be on a stage and play the role that I've always dreamt about in front of the whole school.
"Mamma! Where did you put the authorization that I gave you to sign?" I asked, lucky that my moms were both off from work that afternoon.
I loved those calm moments when we were at home together, because I've never had that before, and now I was constantly drunk on the feeling of being a part of a family, of being wanted...
"It's in the drawer of my bedside table" she answered and I went rapidly to take it from there.
I was happy. I had everything that I'd always wanted, but when I opened that drawer, my smile faded instantly... With my authorization, there was an envelope with Grey Sloan written on it, and it was addressed to me.
I quietly opened it, sitting on their mattress, and I started to read what was written inside. It was a genetic test result, made the day that I went to the hospital for my rape kit... And Carina was a match...
I was numb, and inside my head the thoughts were spinning in circles like rusty old gears. The life that I've had in the last few months was falling apart like a house of cards...
They lied. They did nothing but lie to my face... They didn't want me because of who I was, they wanted me because I was Carina's kid.
God, just thinking that made me feel like I was made of broken glass.
"Hey Lia, you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost" Maya said, entering the room and stopping right away when she saw me with that envelope.
The color rapidly disappeared from her face.
"What is this?" I asked harshly.
"We wanted to talk to you about that, Lia..." she said softly, but the sweet tone of her voice and the sound of the nickname made my blood boil with rage.
"Stop calling me that!" I snapped "And don't act like you care, Maya! you never did... No one does".
"Hailee... I-I..." she stuttered, trying to find the words.
"Bambina, what happened?" Carina asked, coming from the living room after she'd heard me raise the tone of my voice at Maya.
When she saw what I was holding in my hands, her sun kissed skin complexion turned pale.
"What the hell is this?" I asked again and she took a deep breath.
"Bambina, I wanted to talk to you about it... I swear I wanted to, but I needed more time..." she explained and I scoffed.
"I've spent all of my life resenting you..." I said "You left me. Have you ever cared about my life after you gave me away, or you started to care only when you realized that it was hard to have another kid, huh? A kid that you wouldn't throw away like a piece of trash...".
I was conscious that my words were touching an exposed nerve for her, but I was so pissed at the world that I didn't care.
"Of course I cared. I thought about you every single day of my life... I hated myself for what I had to do to you" she answered, her voice breaking as she was speaking.
"If you hated yourself so much, Carina, why did you do it?" I asked.
"I had no choice..." she whispered with a voice that was barely audible.
"You always have a choice!" I yelled "You chose to leave me, don't pretend now that you didn't... I should have known that you two were like everyone else. You only care about your feelings... Who cares if the sweet broken Hailee is just a replacement. Just the last choice...".
I turned around, leaving them standing there, I packed my backpack and I opened the door of the apartament.
"Where are you going Li... Hailee?" Maya asked with sadness. She seemed heartbroken, something that would've usually stopped me, but I was too numb and angry to care.
"Why do you care?" I spatted and I started to walk away from them, shutting the door behind my back. I didn't know where I wanted to go... I thought that I finally had a home, but it was all a fucking lie.
So I started to wander around the city, when a beautiful pair of green eyes appeared in my mind. Suddenly I knew where I needed to go...

Carina's Pov

My mind was blank, and every sound around me was blocked. I couldn't hear my wife talking to me, or the sound of the playlist that I had left on earlier... I couldn't hear anything but her words.
I've spent all of my life resenting you... You always have a choice...
I had thought that hiding the truth from her was the right thing to do for her, but I was realizing that maybe the only person that I was protecting was myself.
She had every right to resent me. I was the one who took away her childhood and her chance at having a happy life, but what hurt the most was the fact that I really had a choice... I was just too scared to face it.
I could've confronted my dad about my pregnancy... But I was just a terrified little girl that still felt on her skin years of psychological abuse from her past.
I could've kept her anyway... But was I really able to take care of another human being when I could barely sleep, eat or breathe without feeling like a piece of trash?
The truth was that we both had no control over our lives back then, but while I had the chance to get back on my feet and heal, she kept spiraling again and again...
I was selfish... I was a monster...
"Carina? Please Carina, answer me?" Please!" my wife's voice arrived like a desperate cry to my ears.
"I... I'm..." I started to mumble and finally Maya's beautiful eyes came into my sight.
"Take it easy, my love... Breathe" she said, noticing my struggle to get air into my lungs.
I swallowed my tears, my pain and my guilt, trying to focus on the air that was slowly entering my lungs and that was going out.
"I'm a monster..." I blurted out in a whisper "She was... She told the truth. I had the choice and took the wrong one. I gave up. I'm a... I'm a coward".
My wife was sitting in front of me on the floor, silent, but deep down I knew that she was just thinking about the right words to use.
My head was spinning and I could feel the panic attack build inside me, but Maya's presence was keeping me grounded.
Maya was the air I was breathing in and the sound of my beating heart...
"You were not a coward, Carina... You took the most difficult choice a woman, a mother, could ever take. It was an impossible situation and you were in a terrible headspace yourself..." she started slowly.
"And she was just a baby! It was my job to protect her" I responded "I was selfish... I thought only about myself, not about her that needed me. I deserve her blame for what I did and I deserve God's blame... I don't deserve you here, comforting me. I deserve to feel like this".
My wife stayed silent for a moment, but when she realized that I wasn't going to have a panic attack and hyperventilate in the next five minutes, she stood up from the floor and went to the living room.
I was utterly confused by her action, but suddenly she came back with a book in her hands. It was a book that I knew like the back of my hand... It was the Bible that my grandmother gifted to me at my confirmation.
"What are you doing with that?" I asked with confusion. She didn't believe in God...
"You said that you deserve the blame for your sins, but you told me a passage from the Bible one time that got stuck in my brain. Who is without sins among us, let them cast the first stone. I'm not christian, so this book doesn't mean a lot to me, but I know you. You follow your God's word and you trust Him. In here, is God saying that there is no one without sins on Earth and that no one can judge you for them... It's God's job to do that and he is forgiving" she answered, quoting the Bible.
I tried to stop her with one glance, but she kept talking with the desire of making me understand her point of view.
"Hailee will understand why you did what you did... You'll have to explain your story... And I know it will be hard, but I'll be there for you" she finished.
"My daughter hates me" I said "What-what if she ran away from home? She is a foster kid... If she runs away, she'll probably be moved".
"She doesn't hate you Carina... She's definitely overwhelmed and hurt, but she's not running away. She'll be back soon".

A.N. A fun little chapter for you guys :)
I'll see you on Wednesday with the next one.