Butterfly Effect

31: Permanent decision

Carina's Pov

Seattle, May 2023...

I had just finished my story, and Hailee was completely silent. In our home there wasn't a dry eye, since all of us had cried or were currently crying.
"Have you regretted your choice?" Lia asked, shocked to hear what had happened to me.
"Every damn day of my life, Hailee..." I answered. "I have this box in my closet that's full of your stuff and I always wear a necklace with what should have been the initial letter of your name on it. The box is in my room... If you want to have a look at it".
Maya sat quietly next to me, holding my hand tightly and rubbing comforting circles on the back of it while her focus was on Lia.
"Did you... Did you really give me a name?" she seemed unsure, and all that I wanted to do was hug her, but I also wanted to respect whatever boundary she might have had in that delicate moment. It was a lot to assimilate...
"For years, in my heart your name was Benedetta. It means blessed in Italian, and I chose that name because I thought that God would protect you since I couldn't be the one to do it...".
"Benedetta..." she mumbled, unsure about it. She was almost testing the sound of it on her tongue.
"Hailee, I know that this is a lot to take in... It might even feel too much, but I want you to know that you can have all the time and the space that you need" Maya said "But please, don't disappear again without a word".
"I'm sorry about that..." she whispered "I felt like my world was falling apart under my feet. I'm sorry I ran away...".
"It's okay Lia. Just tell us that you want to go to Manon's house or somewhere quiet if you need space to be by yourself" Maya responded, smiling slightly and trying to sound positive.
"H-h-how do you know I was there? Did she tell you? Did she tell you what had happened at her house?" she sounded scared of our possible answer. Almost like she was caught doing something unmentionable.
"She texted Maya, letting us know that you were there and that you were safe" I clarified calmly "But Bambina, what do you mean with what had happened there? Did something happen to you?" I asked, noticing the light blush on her rosy cheeks.
"I... I mean... N-n-nothing happened" she stuttered nervously.
"Lia, you know that you can talk to us about everything" we said simultaneously and she looked down at her hands.
She was embarrassed...
"I tried to... I almost... Slept... With her..." she admitted in a whisper "Because in my old foster family, that was the only way I had to feel close to someone and I was feeling lonely...".
Maya stared at me at a loss of words. Her mind was probably going a thousand miles an hour, but on the outside she looked strangely calm.
"Tried? What do you mean by tried, Honey?" I asked sweetly and she took a deep breath.
"She stopped me, saying that I was upset, that sex shouldn't be used as a distraction from problems because of what happened in my past... She wants me to have a positive experience, but when I'm truly ready for it" she explained and I swore to myself that I had to thank Manon for her reaction to the situation.
She was a good girlfriend for my daughter...
"She's right. Sex should be amazing and safe, especially since it would be your first time" I started and my wife stood up with her face red as a tomato. Americans... Always so prude.
"I'll make some tea while... You know, you talk about this stuff..." she mumbled and I laughed at her blushed cheeks and her tense posture.
I still couldn't wrap my head about how she was the same person that in bed loved praises and dirty talk.
"It would not be my first time though... I already had sex in my life" she said and I stared sadly at her. She still looked so young that it was hard for me to imagine what she had to go through.
I was twenty one when it happened to me. She was younger than fourteen...
"Your first time will happen when you are truly ready for it and it will be with someone you love and trust. Were you ready when it happened in your old foster family?" I stated and she remained quiet for a while, thinking about my words and their meaning.
"No... I wasn't ready back then" she answered "Actually, I don't think that I'm ready even now... Sometimes I think that I'm weird because of this. A lot of kids in school already did it and talk about it freely...".
"It's okay that you aren't ready, Bambina. You have all the time in the world. Don't grow up too fast just because other kids are doing it... Or don't feel like you have to grow up because of your past" I answered, knowing the feeling because of my own past.
I decided that I had to grow up too fast, for my father, that I ended up with a suspension for smoking weed in school and the reputation of an "easy girl" because I decided to give pleasure to a guy that didn't know how to keep his mouth shut.
I grew up too fast, afraid to fall behind my 'friends', and I didn't want that for my girl.
I wanted her to be herself and live her own life. Not to do and try what she wasn't ready for, just to fit in...
"But I'm not a virgin anymore" she responded and I shook my head.
"That's not important Lia... It doesn't actually mean anything. Not medically speaking, not for anything else. It's just a word...".
"But sometimes it makes me feel dirty..." she admitted and my heart broke in a million pieces at those few words.
"I know" I whispered, fixing a strand of hair behind her ear "Sometimes I feel like that too".

Hailee's Pov

"It sucks. That feeling is fucking terrible" I said and Carina looked at me with understanding eyes. It was good to finally have someone who understood what was going on under my skin and in my mind.
At that moment, Maya came back to the living room with two mugs of tea. Her cheeks were still red though...
"You're safe, mom. We changed the subject of our conversation" I said teasingly, and Carina laughed.
"Oh come on!" she protested with the hint of a smile on her face.
"I don't understand Americans... Always so prude... Sex is normal, why do you all get flustered when we talk about it?" Carina added.
"Hey, I'm American too, but I'm not as bad as mom with this" I responded, pretending to be bothered by her comment.
"You're half Italian, Bambina. My genes won in this".
After that, silence filled the room, and I felt like everything was going to be normal again. They were my family and they chose me. They were the first ones in my life to do that...
"But I'm serious, Bambina. I would do anything to go back in time and spare you from all that suffering. I would do anything to keep you safe..." Carina said, breaking the silence.
She was serious about this. I knew there and then that she would break herself into pieces to protect me from this harsh world.
"Well" I started "There is something you could do... To make sure that I remain safe".
My moms looked at me with their complete attention. I was very grateful to have them as parents, because even if I was still upset about the secrets and the lies, I actually understood Carina and her choice. Who would want to speak about the worst moment of their life? No one would, but she did it. For me...
"What can we do for you, Lia?" Maya asked.
"I know that we never talked about it, but if you two adopt me... If you adopt me, no one would be able to take me away from home, from you...".
I remained sat in silence, fidgeting with my fingers, while my moms had a silent conversation with their eyes. Not knowing what they were thinking was nerve wracking.
"Mom? Mamma?" I whispered "You don't have to do it. I... I understand if you don't want to".
"No Bambina, of course we want to do it" Carina exclaimed "We just need to find a lawyer to help us, but since you are biologically related to me, it shouldn't be hard for us to officially adopt you...".
"Mom? What do you think?" I asked, still a bit nervous about her answer.
She wasn't related to me, so what would happen if she didn't want to do it? They were going to have a son very soon, what if she didn't want this? Didn't want me...
"I think that I would be the luckiest mom in the world" she said with a shaky voice "And even if you are not related to me, you are the best part of me. You taught me how to be a parent when I thought that I wouldn't be able to be one. You made me a parent and you showed me what it means to love someone more than anything in the world. So yeah, I am honored that you want me to adopt you".
Without thinking twice about it, I threw myself into her arms, crying and letting out everything that I've kept bottled up inside me. In her embrace I felt safe, exactly like I felt safe that first day at the station, when she had been the only person able to make me feel like everything was going to be okay.
Yeah... It was exactly like that...