Hope wasn't made for us

chapter 20- I'm Sorry For What I Said

Chapter 20 

TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER>

we walked in the woods quietly as dean was behind me, i saw a dear making dean look at me. 

"Aim like this" he instructed holding me and the gun, making me look at him "eyes on the deer" he said placing a finger on my chin moving my head so i was now looking at the deer. I've never killed anything. I've also never seen a live animal, let alone killed one. i felt a pit in my heart, i didn't want to kill one. i didn't want to kill anything. 

"Breathe in, breathe out" he said as i did as i was told. 

"Dean i can't kill an-" i tried talking but he shook his head. 

"you have to learn, its like killing a biter, learn to shoot and you can protect Jennie" his words were true, i needed to learn so i could protect Jennie. 

"Now breathe" he said making me breathe with him. i focused on the deer. "shoot" he whispered making me shoot the deer. but i missed. his hands stayed on me, almost as if he didn't want to let go, i inched near him as our breathing as one. our moment ended when he let go.

"let's keep looking" he said, i could clearly tell he was disappointed, and i couldn't help but feel sad. and i couldn't explain why.  

.......................................................................

"Shit baby don't die on me" dean said as the motorcycle broke down "come on" he groaned making me look at him, we came to a stop and I got off, we were on a road, old road.......never recovered from the war. People called it the freeway which i don't understand. Roads were broken, holes in the ground.....broken down cars everywhere. Lines and lines, of old cars we learned about from books and pictures. my stomach grumbled, i was starving, we didn't shoot any animals and that's on me. 

"It's a piece of shit" i say as i got off making him look at me.

"Well, it's my piece of shit" he gave me a fake smile showing me he was mad at my statement. The motorcycle meant a lot to him. He's never left it behind.

"I guess we are on foot" i say making him sigh

"Yeah alright' he said coldly, which I was tired of, why he needed to act like this to me. I saved his life. I was there when he needed me. What was the big issue, everything I do he hates. And the more I saved him the more his hatred was for me. But i understood where he was coming from, i said something i should have never said. And I'll never be able to unsay it. I'm mad but he's mad too but also hurt and he has every right to be. 

I wanted to say something. But i hesitated. I hated that feeling. The feeling of not knowing of what he would say. How he would act. He scared me most days. I wish i could trust him but after knowing he made the call for her to get taken. I should hate him. But something won't let me. I've never hated anyone in my life. I've never found a reason too. I missed before this all happened. I would take my useless life over this kind of life. The feeling of being safe. Even though i always felt trapped.

 I had people who loved me. Who i trusted. If i went with lucy maybe she would have made it. If i took her and Taylor with me, maybe they both would have made it. If i stayed with my mom so she wasn't all alone waiting for Rachel. I could have saved them but i didn't. I could have saved that girl, but i didn't. That feeling still stays with me. I see her, her eyes in every dead body i see. I couldn't bare the feeling. Of regret. I looked right at her, and she looked at me., we walked and walked, it's weird to think these were once roads and not covered in grass and plants.

"Hey look, perfect" i smile trying to lighten up the mood as i found dead daisy "fits you so well" i say placing it in his coat pocket making him roll his eyes.