Hope wasn't made for us

chapter 29- You Changed

chapter 29

Ryder pulled me away from Dean, i could barely move, Ryder put me in his arms. i didn't feel the comfort i did with Dean. but now he's gone. and i feel nothing. Ryder killed him. Dean should be here, with me, safe. he deserved that. and so much more. he's gone and never coming back. i was happy when i found Jennie, but i wouldn't have found her without Dean. i don't understand why i get to live and he doesn't. and Micheal ran off, i ruined Deans chance to get his revenge. the reason he was here. He should be here, not me. 

"you're going to be safe, i promise" Ryder gave me smile as he sat me in the car, next to Jennie. my heart filled when i saw her. but only for a second. she held my hand making me give her a small smile as my eyes shut. feeling darkness trying to take over. i tried to keep my eyes open, but for some reason i didn't want to. soon darkness took over. 

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my eyes opened softly to see i was in a bed, dried up blood covered parts of my body as well as, burns and cuts. I felt pain fill my body as i moved, i looked to see Ryder talking to Carrie. her eyes stopped when she saw i was awake. 

"Ellie" Carrie said running to hug me.......not caring about the blood...she just wanted to hug me...i melted in her hug......once i entered her arms tears fell down my face as i sobbed, after being numb to the pain, i needed to cry, to let it all out. Dean filled my head. 

"Oh Ellie" her calm voice as she held me with all the comfort she could give "its okay" her calming words filled my ears. As she softly brushed her fingers in my hair......i lost everyone. My family. I didn't want to believe they were gone. Everyone i ever knew just gone. "Shhh" she tried to calm me "you're safe now" she said putting some hair behind my ear. And softly cried as she rubbed circles around my back. i was safe, but Dean wasn't, and it was all my fault. i looked down to see i was patched up 

"i was so afraid, they couldn't save you" Carrie gave me a soft smile. "But here you are, lets get you shower, then maybe some food" she asked making me nod, she softly helping me up. I winced making her stop. i gave her a nod before we fully got up, i was still in pain, not just physically but mentally too.

"is she hurt badly?" ryder asked scared to go near me, carrie didnt take her eyes off mine as she gently whiped my tears as i leaned my head in her hand wanting to feel something

"just her heart" carrie spoke softly as i craved for her comfort. but i had no tears left to cry. but the feeling still lingered. 

  As everyone looked at me, i didn't have to say anything. i didn't want to say anything. i needed time. i needed Dean. 

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I watched as the blood was rinsed off me in the shower. Feeling the calming warm water hit my back. Why did this happen. I should have never asked dean to take me. He would still be alive. If it weren't for me. I killed him. I did this to him. My family wouldn't be dead if i didn't go with Ryder that night. The biters couldn't have gotten in... all those innocent people dead. Because of me. If i didn't send Jennie away. She wouldn't have gotten taken. I could have saved the girl in the streets but i didn't. She looked at me right as she died. I pushed everyone out just because of the way i was feeling. Lydia was right. About everyone around me dying. I bring death. dean didn't deserve to die. neither did Mabel, Toby, Rachel, Dad, Mom......everyone at that camp I'm the reason they are all dead.

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I picked at my food, as the room filled with laughter. People were celebrating the death of Michael. but i knew he wasn't dead, he was hiding. but i can't tell anyone. they celebrated with drinks and parties. Everyone who was infected is cured now. But they aren't the same. They are different.