Hope wasn't made for us

chapter 30- Dear Evelyn

Chapter 30

I sat on my bed, just thinking about Dean. and how there was nothing i could do about it. i can't save him. i can't bring him back. this feeling i hated, i finally was getting better. but now that Dean is gone. its back, and i don't know if it will ever leave. or get better. I was getting used to this place like a home. It is a home. They took in new survivor's every week, new people, welcomed with food and shelter. We took in as much towns as we could as well as people coming from different camps and what's left of the cities.... putting past our differences. i pushed my thoughts away when i heard someone walk in. 

"You want to talk?" Carrie asked. as i felt the bed sink next to me. 

"I don't know" i say holding my head in my hands. i heard a sigh leave carries mouth before she spoke. 

"I didn't know or see much of dean but i knew. I mean Ellie you risked your life for him, and you even went back a second time even after that horrible fight that everyone witnessed, that's when I knew, even Ryder knew he couldn't compete......" she said making me look at her.

"Knew what?" i ask, making her give me a smile.

"You care......maybe a little more than you should" she stated her words hit my heart...all coming at me at once making me look back at every moment i shared with him. Just thinking about what Dean and I could have been. I wished it ended differently. It was never Ryder. It was always Dean saving me every chance he got. Even when he was dying, he still used his last bit of strength left to save me. I should have known how I felt, it was something I knew I would never feel with Ryder. The feeling of love and trust I shared with Dean. And now he's gone.

"Any guy would be lucky to have such a strong woman like you" she gave me a side hug just holding me.......making me realize. She was my family. Jennie was my family. Liam as well, they were my family. And i am so lucky to have them.  they are there when i need them, and they love and support me. that's what family is. it's not always blood. i looked down still thinking about Dean. 

"i just-" i took a deep breath as i held my tears in. i looked at Carrie as her eyes filled with pity.     " I was so selfish to see......." i stopped for a moment as Carrie searched my eyes. "That he was hurting too" i softy spoke, letting my tears fall. "He didn't deserve that. "my voice broke

"Oh Ellie" Carrie sighed pulling me in a hug, making me sob once her warm touch filled my body. "Since when do we ever get what we deserve?" Carrie asked softy, she was right. bad things happen to good people, people that didn't deserve it. and bad people get away with things that they deserve to be punished for. yet the good people like Dean get punished for bad people's mistakes. 

"this is all my fault" i sobbed letting it all out. as Carrie held me tightly. 

"no, ellie.....none of this is your fault" she said softy, she let go of me so i would look at her. she gave me a soft smile before speaking. "i won't sit here and let you blame yourself for something that wasn't your fault" she said as i cried. a small sigh left her lips. before she brought me into another hug. "it's okay, just let it all out" she said softy. and that's exactly what i did. i let everything out. "You need to forgive yourself, Elle." she sighed rubbing my back as i sobbed, i couldn't forgive myself, not after the things I've done. i don't deserve forgiveness.

...............................................................................

EIGHT MONTHS LATER

It's been months; I've adjusted very nicely. i could call this place my home but i wished i was calling it my home with Dean. They just set up a memorial for the ones we have lost. I watched as snow fell on the ground and i shivered in the cold air. i debated on not going, but i needed to let go. let go of Dean.