Not far away Juan saw Judas holding a bag of 30 silver coins. He knew him because Juan had seen street play depicting Judas' betrayal of Jesus.
Judas was pensive but appeared lost and angry.
They thought I sold the Master for 30 pieces of silver. Far from the truth. I who was educated just wanted to improve the fund of our association. Of course, the Master's kingdom is not here on earth, but how can we help the poor if we have no money to buy bread. But nobody listened to my Jewish acumen, especially my Galilean companions.
The Master used magic to feed the multitude, cure the sick, breathe new life into the dead. My intention was to save my people from the Roman tyranny, to save the Master from sure death by pretending to play with the powerful priests and secure their clemency.
I do not wish to see the Master hang on the cross like ordinary criminal. He has a big heart for the poor and sinners. Look what he did to Mary Magdalene. He saved her from the mob. But on that fateful night during supper he accosted me. That I would deliver him to his enemy. Was it my plan? No. when he was arrested, flogged and finally crucified, it tore my heart out. My kiss sealed his fate but it was not my intention to betray him.
Then again Judas repeated his monologue with extended variation.
I was the victim of my Master's crucifixion and death. He told us many times that his sacrifice must be fulfilled to save mankind from destruction. We listen to his teaching and were resigned to his eventual death and resurrection. But nobody knew that I would be the cause of his death until that fateful night during our supper when he commanded me to follow my plan and do it fast.
Why did I do it? It was complicated. After Mary Magdalene joined our group, I resented their close relationship which sometimes became intimate. It would have been alright, after all he was just a normal man with normal feeling. I was not the cause of his death. Eventually his enemies the priest and Pharisees, got rid of him and me. Out of remorse I hanged myself, a crime which sent me outright to this infernal place.
Why did I hang myself? To expiate my sins against the Master? Partly but there were other reasons. Judea had become a crowded place, a hostile place for the Master's followers. I was jobless before I met the Master. It was he who employed me as a keeper of the purse. I recorded all financial transactions. I was trained for this while the rest of thee disciples were mostly unlettered. Did I complain a lot? Told the master to invest our money in some business-like money changing or lending? Yes, I did and for these I earned the resentment of our group.
But look, this is what the church is doing now. They have banking business, lands for lease, apartments, sell religious icons, engage in money market investment. So, what's new? My ideas were dubbed stupid by my companions who were mostly plain folks. I came from a rich family but when I developed a flair for divine issues and became the follower of John the Baptist, my father, a diehard Jew, kicked me out of the house and I went into the world jobless until I came to a fishing port in Galilee. It was then that I met Nathaniel, who introduced me to the Master. He welcomed me and said: "Follow me." I thought he must be another John, except that he was much clever than John, for he used magic or some kind of power which John didn't possess in reaching out to the multitude.
Did he enrich himself while spreading his gospel? No. His kingdom is beyond mundane pleasure, while other evangelists live in opulence by invoking his name. Did he have active sex life? Read early accounts which the Church has condemned. What's wrong with having affair or marrying Mary Magdalene, though personally I resented her for being more influential to the Master than any of us.
Juan was listening to Judas but he was afraid to ask any question so he moved back and saw a man whose vestments were that of a pope.
But before he left Judas, Juan gathered enough courage to ask him:
Judas, did you ever love Jesus?
