Moonlight

Forty-two

A few weeks later...
Having a second unplanned pregnancy made me feel like a failure, I couldnt understand how I am in the same boat. I knew damn better but I couldn't help myself and I really fell for him.

I can't blame myself too much tue first time it was forced. Do you know how bad that sounds!?!! I am slacking in life actually, I have just been sad.

And Shawn has tried to be supportive and encouraging but its such an internal battle. Kelly tries to get me out the house but leaving the house brings me such shame.

"Morning Bey", Shawn smiled at me.

He had finally came over after working, I gave a small smile.

"It's not morning just about to be 2", I answered.

"You got me there, how you feeling?"

"The same not much has changed Im pregnant and nausea is just hitting hard. Especially at night it sucks or when I like something."

"I see whst about now?"

"Im okay", I shrugged.

"Alright then lets go outside. Pool side you where whatever swimsuit and a big t of mine. You can pick."

"Now you know how I feel about that, I dont care to leave myself plus Blue is napping."

"Well when Blue wakes up we can go out for a bit. You can not be locked up in here forever its not good for you the baby or Blue."

"You just dont get it!!!"

"Well what dont I get? Im trying to support you but its hard. You used to be more positive than this. Where's the hope the optimistic Bey? What happened to the Bey I met?"

"SHES GONE!! DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE FOR ME. I get stares everywhere I go with Blue, every press magazine is talking and speculating on my parenting. Let me get out there where my bump is already starting to show and it will be on every magazine. Not to forget I feel like I am reliving my old pregnancy I am getting so many flashbacks."

"Oh"

"Yeah you can go, leave me alone in my misery. I have changed I don't care you can leave me alone."

Even though I didnt want to be pregnant I couldn't go through with not being pregnant. Even though I didn't want to see Shawn I wanted him to hug me. And I hated that I was emotional.

"I am sorry I was so harsh, I dont get it, but I can't know how you feel unless you tell me. What are the internal battles even when they're not pregnancy symptoms. And like I said you can't hide like this it's not healthy. You shouldn't be stuck in here with your own thoughts all the time."

"I know that, it doesn't make it easier.", I wiped my tears.

He stayed by my side all the while I just sat there collecting my thoughts realizing I had to make a big push. I couldn't live like this I had made a promise to be the best mom to Blue and now this baby.

I hopped off the bed and grabbed a two piece swimsuit. Thats when I realized how messy my house was currently. I didn't really have the energy to clean but I couldn't exist this way.

"This house is horrible, I have never seen it this bad, beside when I gave birth.", I said realizing the severity of it.

"We can work on it if you'd like to", Shawn suggested.

"Ill get started just sit here for support this is my battle to fight."

I started in the kitchen throwing everything that was going bad and trash. Shawn kept me company he just started talking. We didn't talk about the baby which for now was good. Instead we shared our staying with grandparents story, he had some funny stories. I realized how much there is to learn about my boyfriend.
"Whats the worse thing you pulled on your parents?", Shawn asked.