𝔾𝕒𝕞𝕖𝕤 (𝕃𝕖𝕖 𝔽𝕖𝕝𝕚𝕩 𝔸𝕟𝕘𝕤𝕥)

~Chapter 3~

i was cleared to go home the next day. chan came to pick me up.

"hey lixie. how are you feeling?" chan said as we got in the car

"fine, i guess." i answer, not really in the mood for talking.

"you okay? i've barely seen you speak since you woke up yesterday." i could see his eyebrows creasing in worry.

you made chan worry.

he's already stressed from the comeback.

you're so useless.

you should just not exist.

"felix?"

"oh, yeah i'm fine. just- nevermind."

"just what?"

"nothing. forget i said anything." i turn my head to the window and watch the buildings and trees turn into a swirl of colours.

~timeskip~

"felix! we've missed you." hyunjin ran up to me the moment i opened up the door and hugged me tight.

i let the heat envelope me and muttered, "i've missed you too."

"can i go to my room please?" i ask quietly before pulling myself out of the hug and running to my room.

as i flopped onto my bed i distinctly heard chan's voice from downstairs.

"i'm worried about him. he hasn't been acting himself since yesterday. he's didn't smile once. he's quieter."

"i know. maybe he's just tired. let's let him sleep it off. if he doesn't get better tomorrow we'll have a talk with him." another voice speaks. minho hyung?

"alright." chan answers before i heard footsteps coming up the steps.

i close my eyes and turn my back to the door and pretended to sleep when the door to my room opened.

"lixie? are you awake? it's dinner time." i heard minho hyung's voice. "alright. sleep tight." he says when i don't respond and closed the door.

i sigh and turn onto my back the moment i heard the footsteps fade.

you're so useless.

they're already stressed.

you're such a burden.

why are you even alive?

you don't even have the talent or the looks to be an idol.

lee know and hyunjin dance better than you,

changbin and jisung rap better than you and they produce songs!

seungmin and jeongin sing so much better than you.

chan can do all that while being the leader and you can't even do anything right.

i cover my face with my hands and groan but then retracted my hands. they were wet? i realized the tears on my face. when did i start crying?

i quietly roll out of bed and shudder at the coldness of the floor tiles. i tried to make my way to the bathroom as quickly as i could but still managed to bump into seungmin on the way.

"felix hyung! why didn't you tell us you were back home?"

"kind of fell asleep. sorry." i looked down.

"what are you sorry for? you were just tired." seungmin looked at me, confused.

"never mind." i shook my head and continued to the bathroom.

the first thing i did when i closed the door was to look in the mirror. my face immediately contorted in disgust. my cheeks looked so fat and my freckles looked like dirt!

"why can't i just look like hyunjin or minho hyung?" i whisper to myself, annoyed.

i tried to wrap my pointer finger and thumb around my wrist. they barely touched! i took the scale out from under the sink. chan didn't things like this in the house.

i stepped on it slowly, uncertain if i wanted to know my weight. i read the numbers with dread. 116lbs. what the hell? when was i so heavy?

i just need to lose 20lbs. i'll go on a diet and workout. if i can't be talented or pretty, i'll be skinny. i put the scale back from where i took it and left the bathroom.

"felix hyung! you're back home! let's go down to dinner together." jeongin exclaimed from behind me.

"no thank you innie. i'm not really hungry." i smiled before walking back to my room.

let's see, how to skip my meals tomorrow?