Angel and Hellfire

Chapter 15

(Y/n) woke up and felt like she just slept for a year. Reaching out, she touched the back of the seat she was facing. It felt exactly the same as it did when they were kids. It felt like home.
Suddenly she got hit on the back of the head by a paper bag.
"Shit. What the hell was that??" She grumbled as she rolled over and sat up.
"Breakfast. Eat up, buttercup." Dean laughed and looked at her in the mirror. Her hair was all over.
"Thanks. Any chance we can find a bathroom quick?"
"Yep, gas station up ahead." Dean slowed to get on the off ramp. Pulling in to the parking lot, (y/n) hopped out and grabbed her small bag from the back seat with emergency toiletries. Sam got out of the front seat and stretched.
"I'll be right back. Just let me freshen up quick and we can get going."
The boys waved her off and she smirked. Nothing has changed. It's like they've never been apart. She used the toilet and washed her hands. She stopped when she saw her reflection. Tear stains down her face were evident. She quickly reached into her bag and pulled out a few wet wipes to clean her face before finding the car again.
"Feel better?" Dean asked as she walked around the corner.
"Much. Hey Sam, you wanna get a little sleep in the back for a while? You look tired." She bounded over to her tall as shit little brother and hugged him again. She missed him. He hugged her back and gave a laugh.
"Yeah that would be great. I could use a nap."
Back in the car and on the road. They crossed the state line into Iowa after an hour.
"Iowa? Holy shit. How long was I out?" She gave Dean a confused look.
"Well, we left town yesterday morning at 4:30, and you woke up around 7am today soooo..." dean looked back at her with a hint of sadness in his eyes.
"Crap. Why didn't you wake me. We could've switched off drivers for a while and gotten you some sleep."
"That's ok, we pulled over for a few hours when we hit Indiana. I'm fresh yet. Just sit back and relax ok?"
"Where are we going anyway. I never asked."
There was a pause.
"Dean?"
"Sam got a call last night. Bobby knows you're home and wants to see you."
(Y/n) let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding. She hasn't been back to see Bobby in a couple years. She made a point to call him at least once a month, but she never told him she left the country. She just pretended like nothing was wrong. She never told him about her ex boyfriend. She knew he would find him and beat him within an inch of his life. She told Bobby very few details of her personal life. How did he know she was gone??
"(Y/n)? Are you alright?"
"Uhhh..... yeah. Yeah I'm fine. I just haven't seen Bobby in a long time. How's he doing?"
"He's good I think. Just runnin' point for everyone when they need info on monsters."
"Oh good. Agent Willis is still alive and well!"
"Ha! Yeah he's still doin his thing. Well we should be there in a few hours so if you wanna get a little more sleep in you sure can."
"I think I've had enough sleep to last me a while."
" ok then maybe we could have a chat until we get there."
"Sure, what's on your mind?"
"You are. Why don't you fill me in on your vacation. I heard you were gone for a while. And Helen told me you met a guy over there. Arthur?"
(Y/n) felt her heart sink into her stomach at his words. Arthur was the last person she wanted to think about anymore.
"We don't need to talk about Arthur. He just turned out different than he was in the beginning. Vacation was fine though. Made a few friends. Enjoyed the scenery and all that. Food was a little bland, but nothing I couldn't handle."
"Are you really not going to tell me?"
"Tell you what?"
"That's it." Dean pulled the car over to the side, checked that Sam was still sleeping and got out. He opened the passenger door and pulled (y/n) out by her hand. He took her to the clearing he parked next to a ways away from the car and the road.
"Something happened to you over there. I know it. I can feel it in my gut. I saw gouges and cuts and marks all over you the night you got home! Now I know you don't wanna talk about it, and I won't push the subject further after this. But please tell me what happened! SHOW me what happened! I've watched you tiptoe around everyone the last few days and there's only one thing that makes you do that! I can't take this anymore. Before we reach Bobby's, please let me in (y/n)! I'm begging you!"
Dean went on his spiel and all she could do was try to hold herself together. She knows very well what happened to her wasn't her fault. She still feels like she's been crushed into dust for letting people get that close and try taking her life from her, use her, abuse her... she doesn't know how to not think so low of herself. She doesn't feel worthy of being alive. Why should she when so many others have died?
"Dean, you don't want to see what happened."
"Yes, I do! Because unless you talk to me, you're going to send yourself into another tailspin and I'm scared to see you do that to yourself again!! You don't deserve to hold this burden alone! Let me help you! Please!"
"You're worried about a tailspin? YOURE SCARED??? MY WORST HELLSCAPE OF A NIGHTMARE CAME TRUE! NO ONE COULD HELP ME!!!" She screamed through tears.
"Why would you want to keep helping me!! I'm a lost fucking cause and you just keep stringing me along like I'm worth a damn!!!!" She sat on the ground and cried. Dean sat directly in front of her and took her face in his hands. He pulled her in and kissed her lips.
"You are worth every damn good thing in this world and so much more! I'm asking to help because I know I'm the only one you'll talk to. But I'm asking more because I love you and can't stand to see you like this. Please for the love of god, show me what happened, (y/n). I'm not letting you dig this hole any deeper." He spoke softly so he didn't scare her.
Her breath was ragged. She looked into his eyes through tears and debated whether to show him or not. In the end, she knew he wouldn't let it go until she did, so she put her hands to his temples and closed her eyes. She showed him exactly what happened, just blocking out faces so he didn't try anything stupid. As the images flashed through his mind, tears formed in his eyes and ran down his face. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. She was tortured and experimented on. Forced to relive a personal hell that dean promised he would never let happen to her again. This time he wasn't able to save her. It's like he could feel every time the scalpel touched her skin. Every needle that drew blood from her. Everything felt like it was on fire but her body stayed absolutely still. Who are these people? How did they find out about her?? How did they get their hands on her?
And suddenly everything stopped. Dean looked into her eyes and pulled her into his embrace. He sat her onto his lap and held her as tight as he could without hurting her. She cried and wrapped her arms around herself. She laid her head on Deans shoulder and just let it all out. Dean cried with her. She got hurt again because he wasn't there to help her. Why did he ever let her go 3 years back?? Dean beat himself up inside for not being there. For not knowing what was going on. Again.
Eventually Dean moved her to face him. He moved the hair out of her face and wiped the tears away with his thumbs. He held her face in his hands and kissed her.
"I'm sorry this happened to you. Again. I won't bring it up again. I promised I wouldn't, so I won't. Please don't shut me out though. Let me help you ok? I'm not going anywhere."
"Do you know why I haven't been back to see Bobby in a long time?"
Dean shook his head.
"He told me not to rely too much on my powers or someone might find out about me. They might hunt me and try to either kill me or see what else I can do. He told me to be careful, and I got angry with him. I told him I knew better than him what I was doing and I left.... But he was right!! He was right about everything!! HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT ME!!" She cried harder and looked at the ground.
"What if he doesn't want me to come back? What if he's just trying to get me there so he can yell at me and put me out of my misery!... what if he just doesn't want me, Dean?? What do I do??" She sobbed.
"He loved all of us so much, but he could never bear to let anything happen to you. You are his world. He just wants to know you're ok. He wants you to come home. He never stopped loving you just because you got into a fight."
She sat for another minute before looking at dean. She sniffles and took a breath.
"Let's go see Bobby. I miss him so much."
They stood up and began walking back to the car. (Y/n)'s legs felt wobbly like they were about to give out on her. Dean could see it so he picked her up and carried her back to the car. They both got in and were back on the road. Sam woke up a couple hours later.
"How far to Bobby's?"
"We're about 10 minutes out. Need anything before we get there? Shower? Beer? Haircut?" Dean laughed at Sam's hair sticking up all over.
"Oh stop it, dean. Sammy's hair looks great! Like a golden retriever!" (Y/n) said with a laugh.
Dean laughed harder and Sam glared at both of them.
"God you two are such children. My hair is fine."
He sat back and crossed his arms.
"And now you're pouting like one! Sorry Sammy it was just a joke." She laughed a little more and Sam smirked.
"Well at least I don't look like a raccoon! What are those bags under your eyes!" Sam poked fun back at her.
"Well that right there is product of dean! Bags of annoyance!" She quickly turned to dean who tried to swat at her but she crawled over the seat into the back with Sam to the furthest seat from Dean so he couldn't reach her and put Sam between them.
"Ha! Cant get me now!" She giggled and stuck out her tongue while Sam kept laughing and Dean couldn't help but laugh at her. She was still quicker than he remembered.
Soon they were pulling into Bobby's junkyard. It looked exactly the same as they remembered. (Y/n) hopped out of the backseat and dragged Sam with her laughing. They grabbed their bags from the trunk and Dean took hers. They led the way to the front door and stood in front of her until Bobby opened it. He stared at the boys through narrow eyes until they both stepped aside to reveal (y/n).
Bobby gasped and his eyes were wide at the sight of her. She was still a little scared to be back. What if Dean was wrong? What if Bobby really didn't want her?
Bobby stepped forward and pulled her into his arms as fast as he could. This move caught her off guard and she gasped. When she realized what was happening, she closed her eyes trying to stop the tears, again failing miserably. She hugged him back harder and pushed her face further into his shoulder, taking in his smell. Bourbon and grease. She knew it was a weird combination, but it's just what he smelled like. Bobby finally pulled the boys into the hug around her and she felt their arms around her waist and shoulders too.
"Okay okay, get in here ya idjits. Makin me get all weepy out here on the porch. The hell is wrong with you?"
All three of them smiled like they were little kids again, and grabbed their bags. They put the bags on the stairs and Dean went to grab beers from the fridge. Bobby told Sam he restocked for when they got there. (Y/n) sat behind Bobby's desk and started flipping through his papers, half hoping to find a case. Just as she started opening a file he had under a book, Dean set a beer on top of it.
"I don't think so, sweetheart. No work for you just yet. Let's hang with Bobby for at least a day before leaving, okay?" Dean took the file and handed it to Bobby.
"Well now that hurts my feelings princess. You just got here 5 minutes ago." Bobby said with a smirk.
"Sorry Bobby. Force of habit. I'm workin on it."
"That's okay. How ya doin? How was your trip?"
"How did you even know I left! I never told you!"
"You think I don't know where you are and what you're doin at any given time? I got my ways, girl. Don't think I don't!"
She looked at him with narrowed eyes and gave a crooked smile.
"Now how the hell did you get Helen's phone number? I know for a fact I didn't give it to you!"
"You didn't have to. She called me. Years ago. We keep each other in the loop when we know you're not." He gave a grin telling her not to try getting things past him again.
"The trip was nothing special. I travelled, took in the local culture, tried the cuisine. I'm good being home now." She said quietly as she drank her beer and looked through a book on sirens. She chanced a look at Dean who was just watching her carefully.
"I love how you think I was born yesterday... but in any case, I'm glad you're home. Talk to me when you're ready. For now, I'm gonna make some dinner. You get a shower. You smell like you've been riding in the car with these two idjits for a week." Bobby laughed and went into the kitchen.
She laughed at the boys. They look like they'd been slapped. She grabbed her bag and went to take a shower. The water pressure wasn't great, but when she gets done in here maybe she'll go fix the pipes for Bobby. She finished showering and wrapped her favorite towel around her torso. She went through the motions just putting her hair up in a towel, brushing her teeth, washing her face. She was about to put lotion on her legs when a lightbulb burned out above the sink.
"Why am I always the one to change the bulbs??" She said to herself as she grabbed a fresh one from under the sink.
She twisted the bulb into the socket and the lightbulb lit up. Her pupils dilated and her brain seemed to completely stop working. She sat down on the floor and just stared at the wall.
Bobby just finished making dinner and yelled up the stairs to have (y/n) come down and eat.
No answer.
"Ah she's probably still in the bathroom getting ready. Let's just go ahead and eat. She hates when we wait for her." Bobby said and sat down at the table.
The boys and Bobby sat down to eat. After 15 more minutes, she still hasn't come downstairs.
"Dean? You better go check on her." Bobby said quietly.
"Maybe get the tea ready now so we can get her situated faster." Dean said as he started for the stairs. Bobby grabbed out the kettle and put some water in it.
Sam just watched as Bobby and Dean took care of things for (y/n). He was slightly confused but didn't want to interrupt their mission.
Dean knocked on the bathroom door. Still no answer. Her bedroom door was wide open so she hasn't been in there yet. Slowly, he pushed the bathroom door open, as to not startle her. There he found (y/n) sitting on the floor against the tub in her bath towel staring at the wall. He looked around the room and saw the burnt out lightbulb on the counter.
"Why is it always a lightbulb that causes this??" Dean said.
"Dean? What did I come in here for?" (Y/n) asked.
He squatted down next to her to check on her.
"Well, you came in here to get cleaned up, then you were going to read a book. Would you like some help?" He spoke gently until she looked at him. Her face was blank.
"Yes, I'd like a little help. Can you help me?" She sounded concerned about asking for help.
"I will always help you, (y/n). I'm not going anywhere." Dean took her hand and helped her to her feet.
"Let's go to your room. You can get dressed and relax a bit. I'll go grab your book."
"Could I bother you to make me some tea?"
"I will bring you some tea."
He walked her to her bedroom and sat her down on the bed. He went to the dresser and pulled out a pair of sweatpants and a tshirt with some underwear. He set them on the bed next to her.
"You put these on and I'll be back with your stuff ok? Just open the door when you're done." And with that, Dean kissed her forehead and walked out of the room, closing the door. He leaned against the wall, running a hand down his face. He took a few breaths and headed back down the stairs to the kitchen. Bobby just finished her tea. He grabbed her book from his bag. "I'll be back in an hour. Thanks Bobby." He carefully took the tea with him back upstairs. He waited patiently until she opened her door again.
"Bobby? What's going on? What's happening to (y/n)?" Sam asked quietly.
"There's things that have happened to that girl in her life that caused some partially permanent trauma. She has never wanted you to see it or even know that it exists. Please just do me a favor and stay down here for the time being." Bobby sat down at the table with another beer.
"So she doesn't want me to know about it, but Dean can?" Sam asked skeptically.
"Yep."
"Why?"
"Because Dean is the only one on this planet who knows her darkest secrets about exactly what happened. He's the only one she's ever told. He saved her life."
"Why wouldn't she tell me if things were really that bad?"
"She raised you Sam. Her and Dean, they never want you to know their darkest pasts because they don't want you to go through what they did. They've done more for each other, to save each other than you will ever realize. Hell, (y/n) almost beat your daddy senseless once when they were teenagers. And that was because he kept tryin to put Dean down and insult him. She knocked him on his ass and whooped him, just for being a jerk to that boy. Now what do you think she's done for you that you don't know about?" Bobby looked at Sam and drank his beer.
"There's a lot I don't know about those two isn't there..."
"Yep. And hopefully someday they'll talk to you about it. But I know they won't ever let you deal with what they did.. she just needs to reboot the system and Dean will get her there. Then you'll all find a case and be off into the sunset one more time."
"They're both the most selfless people I know. They would take on the world for me. Why won't they let me do the same for them, Bobby?"
"Because it comes at a price. That they've paid more than their fair share of. They have both done that enough so you don't have to. Their own personal hells are nothing you want to see."
"I just want to help."
"You are. By being the man they helped you become. So just keep doing that."

Sam sat for a while and thought about everything. Maybe finding a good case to work would help them. He set out checking the internet and everywhere in between. He felt like he was coming up empty handed at every turn. He just couldn't get a lead on anything. But he would keep looking.

Meanwhile, Dean sat in (y/n)'s comfy fluffy chair in the corner of her room while she laid on the bed reading the book he brought her out loud. Every once in a while she would take a drink from her tea.  He watched her carefully. Her attention to the book was exactly the same as when she was a teenager. She loved it so much.  She made note after note in the margins.
"Dean you don't have to stay. I know my books really aren't your thing."
"I love to hear you read them though. It's soothing."
"Are you sure? My books are pretty boring compared to the stuff you read."
"My stuff doesn't have nearly as good of a storyline as yours though."
She smiled and kept reading. It was always the same conversation every time. And she never remembered any of it after she would fall asleep. The reset in her brain would end and it's like nothing happened.
She began rubbing her forehead. The pain was beginning. She Set down the book on the nightstand and started curling up in a ball. Her eyes were closed and she pressed her hands to her ears. She rubbed her wrists repeatedly as tears began to fall. Soon her eyes glowed a bright purple and that was when Dean stepped in.
He picked her up and sat on the bed with her on his lap. He rubbed her back and rocked back and forth. He started to sing.
"Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true."
She began to sing softly along with him.
"Someday I'll wish upon a star, and wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops, and high above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me."
"Why did this happen, Dean? Why did I let this happen?" She whispered to him and held herself tight.
"You didn't let it happen. You didn't let any of it happen. It's all over now. It won't happen again."
"Why did he send me there? How could he do that to me?" Her eyes were wide with fear.
"Dad didn't know what that place was. He never would've sent you there if he knew. You don't have to worry about it anymore."
They sat in silence for a while.
"What happened at the hospital, Dean?"
"You made me promise to never talk about it."
"Why?"
"It's bad."
"Ok.... Can I take a nap?"
"Yeah, let me grab your blanket."
"Will you stay with me?" She was a little sheepish with this question every time she asked it.
"As long as you want me to."
Dean laid down on the bed next to (y/n) as she rolled over into his embrace and laid her head on his chest. The tears fell silently onto his shirt while he ran his fingers through her hair. Soon enough her breathing evened out and she was content. In an hour she would be up and moving again, ready to start fresh. Dean kissed her forehead and slid out of the bed, pulling her blanket up a little more so she would be warm. He didn't want to leave her by herself, but knew he had to go talk with Bobby. Closing her door, he went downstairs to Bobby's study. He found Sam on the computer.
"Hey, Bobby around?"
"Uh, yeah I think he's outside right now. Ordered another part for the car (y/n)'s been working on."
"Ok, thanks Sam."
"Hey, Dean, how's she doing?"
"She's taking a nap. Give her an hour and she should be fine." Dean said as he turned to go out the back door.
"Hey Dean?"
"Yeah?" He turned back to Sam.
"Ya know, I don't know what's going on, and I'm not asking, but, I just wanted to say thanks."
"For what?"
"You and (y/n) taking care of me as a kid, I mean you were just kids yourselves. Just... thank you. For everything, man." Sam said quietly.
"You're our brother Sammy, we will always take care of you. No matter what." Dean smirked a little and walked out the back door.
Sam smiled and kept up his search.