Wines And Guns

12.

Porsche woke up late. He had a hard time trying to open his eyes. He was still feeling very drowsy and sick. The bandages didn't help much either. His wounds were still very sore.

"Rise and shine!"

He slowly turned his head to see Tankhun sitting there. His eyes were glued to his phone and he was sprawled across the couch.

"Mmm... You're here?"

"Yes I am. I'll be by your side till you're fine enough to start running again".

"Is Chay at home?"

"He went for his work. He works so hard at this young age! He's truly a good kid!"

"He really is."

"Oh and Kinn is here".

Porsche felt like he had a recieved an electrical shock.

"When did he get back?"

"This morning. He was here to see you too! He said you woke up and immediately went back to sleep. Don't you remember?"

"No I don't".

He did remember. He thought he was dreaming. So it was for real. That touch he felt was real.

"Don't worry though! I'll be here 24/7. Kinn won't say anything to you. Plus you're his most favourite person in the world. It might piss you off when I say this since you both are in a fight but he does love you much."

Loves him. Kinn loves him. Porsche had never thought that a day would come when he would find it hard to believe what he was hearing. When Kinn had showed up at his house for the first time he had said that all his people were the equal to him. Then he proved it contradictory. He loved Porsche dearly. Now he felt like Kinn hated him the most. Kinn either refused to talk with the people he hated or killed them. But he had torn Porsche's heart apart with his words. That day while standing in the graveyard when he had said that Kinn was the one he loved he had hoped it to be forever.

When he was drugged or whenever he fell sick Kinn had always been there. He looked after him instead of yelling at him for being irresponsible. Porsche had found that care strange at first. Since childhood no matter how sick he was he had always managed it alone. The first time he had truly been openly vulnerable about his emotions infront of Kinn was when they kissed in that forest before Porsche ran away. He had cried. He had wanted Kinn to know that he loves him.

His thoughts were interrupted when Kinn opened the room's door. Porsche wasn't expecting that at all. He panicked and started covering his hands with the sheets immediately looking away from Kinn. It was as if he had seen a ghost. The warmth and happiness he felt whenever he saw Kinn was gone. He lowkey expected Kinn to either look at his wounds disgusted and leave or give him more wounds.

"Porsche...."

Kinn walked a bit closer to the bed. Porsche was more scared than ever now, sensing that Kinn sat towards the lower part of the bed, giving Porsche some distance. He had expected Porsche to be furious and to hate him after what he had said to him. Seeing Porsche in this condition was killing him inside.

"Porsche don't worry I won't come any closer if you don't want me to".

"I'll try to finish all the pending works as fast as I can. Chay and I will be out by next week don't worry about it."

"Porsche... I'm not... I'm not kicking you out".

"You don't want me here either."

"No. Obviously I want you here."

"Okay so you do want me here but as long as you can throw me out and call me back whenever you want? You barely see me as a human".

"Porsche I didn't mean that..."

"I'm sure you didn't. No matter how angry I get with you I always try my best to talk it out. You always know everything about me. Where I am, what I'm doing, who I am with. But it's a crime for me to even ask you something about yourself. Whenever it's me asking you something we simply can't talk without you reminding me my place. I always have to worry about losing you and that too not to bullets but your own anger. You threw me away like I meant nothing to you. You said you didn't want to see me again you said you didn't love me anymore. But now you just expect me to forget all of that and pretend like nothing happened. There's nothing more than I want rather than be by your side forever. But I can't just live my entire life unsure and scared from anticipating that I'll make a mistake and you'll hate me".

"I could never hate you. I can lose myself but I can't lose you".

"Then why did you say that you never wanted to see me again? Why did you say you didn't love me? Do you just think that your words will have no effect? Did you think even for a moment about how I would feel? It hurt like hell. More than any bullet or glass piece could. You said I could choose whether I wanted to stay or not. But everytime you just push me away. Not once did you ask me not to leave you."

"Do you think I didn't want to say that? I didn't because I didn't want to force something upon yourself".

"Force? Force what? The only reason I came back and we did all this was because we loved eachother. You see me take a lifestyle I never signed up for. I've seen you leave everything behind to follow me. Why can't I do that for you?"

"You have done that for me. You left behind everything for me. Even when you could run away. You always came back".

"Then why are you asking me to leave again? Why won't you tell me anything about yourself? You don't trust me even though you say you love me. You can have my entire life but I can't have anything of you."

"YOU are my life".

"Then please don't let me go Kinn."

Porsche slowly got up to move closer to Kinn. He wrapped his hands around Kinn, resting his head on Kinn's shoulder. This time he didn't expect Kinn to hug him back. He just wanted Kinn to know that he loved him. He noticed Kinn observing the bandages wrapped around his arms. He felt ashamed. Unlike Kinn he spoke out about his feelings more often but he always felt guilty about it later. Having no one to talk had made him feel like an attention seeker everytime he opened up. This time again he was the one who talked. Kinn didn't say anything. The guilt began setting in.

"If you're thinking why I'm not saying anything it's because I don't know what to say. I don't have any right to just apologise and brush this off. You shouldn't forgive me this time. For other people you might understand them hurting you but it's always so much more horrible when someone you consider you own does that. My family did that to me and I couldn't take it. You shouldn't have to adjust with that either."

"Then why not change this? We can try our best to make sure nothing like that happens again. We shouldn't be doing things that we can't even apologise for. We can try to change. You wanted to have a family of your own. We can have it the way we want."

Kinn kissed his hands and didn't say anything.