Wines And Guns

60.

It had been 3 months. 3 months since Porsche was gone. 3 months since he had wondered everywhere aimlessly trying to find a little clue about him. 3 months of pain. His father was convinced that the search will have no positive results so he had stopped consulting him about this altogether. Tankhun used to provide him support and try to comfort him through his words. And Kim was just silently following every order he gave without caring for anything else. All this hardwork wasn't helping in any way.

Every night after others went to sleep, he used to stay awake in the absolute silence of his room. He no longer felt used to it. He needed Porsche's voice, his laughter and his warmth back. But the more time that was passing the more hopeless he was getting. His father was pestering him to give Porsche a proper funeral and try to concentrate on his work instead. But he couldn't bring himself to do that. The man who used to hug him, hold him, kiss him and love him like no one else was gone right infront of his eyes. All due to his own fault. And he couldn't do anything to fix the situation. He had failed to bring Porsche back.

Porchay had left a month before.

"Thank you so much for everything you did for me. Thank you for being there for my Hia. You made him so happy... There's nothing more I could ask for".

He had tried to stop Porchay and telling him that he will find Porsche but to his utter surprise the boy had accepted his brother's death and wanted to leave to his old house as it was now left unattended and he no longer wanted to be a burden on the Main Family. Kinn had tried to stop him but failed again. Porchay pulled him into a tight hug before leaving the house and had promised to stay in touch afterall his mother was still under Khun Korn's care. That house was all Porchay had of his brother's memory.

Kinn had decided to pay a visit to him after few weeks to check up on the boy. He had gone upstairs to Porsche's old room. He had spent a night there with Porsche before. Now that he was there all by himself it felt strange. He checked every shelf and opened every cupboard. Everything was kept neatly as it was kept last time. But his Porsche was not with him this time. He had felt himself get more and more nervous and ultimately sit on the floor beside the bed overcome with emotions. Suddenly something caught his attention under the bed. It was a small, broken piece of glass with blood stain on it. He figured that it must have been what Porsche used to cut himself and accidentally left a piece there while cleaning up. The sense of dread and guilt came back as he fought back the tears. 

*

He wasn't holding back his emotions now. His tears were freely flowing and his head hurt really bad. The cold air was hitting his face as he squeezed his eyes shut. He had lost count of people he had disappointed in his entire life. Why was he like this? Why was he so incompetent and awful? He cursed himself. He felt anger and disgust on himself. He had no right to cry like that but couldn't control himself. He had failed to find Porsche and if he was really gone like how others were telling him then there was only one way to reach him.

He had considered doing this several times in the past but this was the first time he was actually putting it into action. He knew when his body would hit the ground there would be immense pain at first but then it would vanish and maybe he will get to see his Porsche again. He will get to apologise and say everything that was left unsaid. If this was the only way left then he was willing to do it. The sorrow and hurt he was feeling wasn't for himself. His tears weren't for himself either. He felt no sympathy whatsoever on himself.

"I'm so sorry... I'm sorry... Please Porsche... Please be there when I reach. Please come back to me. I can't live like this, I can't live without you. I don't deserve you I know that but please yell at me if you want, tell me you hate me but don't just go away like this. Everything feels so hollow and dark without you..."