Wines And Guns

70.

"What do you think about your relationship? How do you perceive it?"

"I think Porsche is..."

"I'm asking about the relationship you share with him. How do you feel about that? Since the time you both started being together what emotion do you think you've felt the most around him?"

"It has changed. It has changed a lot".

"How so?"

Kinn sat observing the plain room around him. Porsche had pushed him into seeing a therapist. He didn't even know how Porsche was going to afford any of this but his reasoning was that "money isn't an issue right now". He thought he was used to seeing a doctor and opening up about his issues but this was totally different. Physical ailments were always easier to explain. This was his second session. The doctor seemed to have known his father. He knew for a fact that it was going to be costly but Porsche had promised him that he had not taken any loans to pay for his treatment.

"Please Kinn... Just this once. For my sake".

He thought he knew exactly how he felt but it seemed too tough to put it into words.

"When I first met Porsche I simply assumed him to be someone too much involved in their own carefree bubble to take anything seriously. I knew he was suffering due to the loans he took yet I thought his life was much more simpler than mine... Probably because I grew in a family where money was never the problem. There was no such moment where I had to worry about not having anything to eat or lacking a place to live the next moment."

"Then how did it progress?"

"During small moments I started noticing how differently he was affected from the rest of us. Even though he seemed so relaxed and fun he truly was trying to bear through it all. I could never truly doubt his intentions... I just have the fear of him leaving. Once he stepped into this world there was no way he could just leave."

"The origin of this fear-

"My ex. I've dated a lot of people. I've had long term relationships before. But this one damaged me and my family. I'm suffering from the consequences till today. His betrayal left a scar. I reflect that anger and distrust on anyone else I meet. Porsche has been a victim to that attitude of mine as well".

"And how have you tried solving it?"

"I didn't... I don't think I did. I only gave Porsche the freedom to walk away whenever he wanted. I felt like I could avoid getting hurt that way. I thought that if I knew about his feelings beforehand then it won't feel like he abandoned me".

"You seem to be accepting towards your flaws".

"That isn't making my life any better though. I can barely manage to fix them. I've lost countless people due to that. I don't think Porsche should stay with me either".

The doctor sat quietly as she took some notes. She was dressed quiet casually which made the atmosphere more comfortable. It didn't feel like he was confessing something uncomfortable infront a professional but like speaking to someone who was there to listen to him vent without judging, still he wasn't totally comfortable in opening up about everything.

"Why would you think that? What makes you-

"Because I'm impossible. I'm not saying that because I'm used to self hating or anything. I am aware of all the hell I've put him through. Yet a few months back I was dying to have him by my side all the time. But now I can't do that to him anymore... It feels like I'm dying within but I have to let him go. I'll have to leave him".

His voice shook toward the last sentence.

"I was surrounded by tons of people growing up but he was completely lonely. I felt like a stranger within my family while he felt like he was always surrounded by strangers. Atleast I had someone with me... If not my parents then my brother. Whenever I was afraid of sleeping alone in the dark I used to go upto his room and no matter how late it was, he always tucked me in with himself. He used to dress me up, click pictures, teach me how to do different things and play with me all the time. He loved me unconditionally... Porsche never had someone like that. He did have his brother but he always had to be the adult. He...