Wines And Guns

1.

What is it like to witness death for the first time? To feel the touch of a cold, lifeless body. The smell of blood and the sight of a terror stricken face lying still. Almost as if the dead person was never alive. Everyone has their theories of what happens when someone dies. Nobody knows for sure no matter how hard they try to sell their version of afterlife theory. Is a person who's completely unaffected by the sight of death and blood a psychopath? Simply not bothered by it or so used by it that it doesn't affect them anymore.

People who's lives and families revolve around such shady businesses often have 2 ways. Either to shade their children and keep them away from this path of danger even though it's almost impossible or get them strong enough and used to it so they're able to face it own their own. The first never really works out. Sooner or later the sins hunt down the bloodline and generations of a family have to bear the consequences and burden of it. Little infant hands covered in blood for the sins their forefathers committed.

No matter how hard you try to close your eyes. Pretend to be blind and stay in denial their will always be a war in your heart, deep within your soul. Every night while lying on the soft mattress with the blankets in the luxurious room Porsche fought those wars mentally. Family conflict, illegal buisness all these seemed lighter compared to the burden on his heart caused by his thoughts and insecurities. The ring on his finger felt like chains and shackles. The people around him like enslavers. And the few he loved so miserable. From early years he forgot his own childhood to give a good one to his brother. He always knew that as Chay grew up he started lying and covering up things. When he was younger Chay used to smile and happily ask for the bigger piece of cake or the glass with more juice. Got excited for new toys and clothes even though he knew that he could never get them. The sight of other kids playing with their parents and toys made him happy. But as he grew up he understood what his brother sacrificed for him. So he no longer wanted to ask Porsche for things. He even tried to drop out of school and get jobs to financially support Porsche. Now their seems to be a barrier between them no matter how hard Porchay tries to cover it up with a smile. His brother is in an illegal buisness. He got lied to by Porsche.

Kinn can't keep on supporting him. He has his own struggles to go through. No matter how hard the day is he gives Porsche a hug and a kiss before they sleep. Something someone going through his situation wouldn't even think of. Tankhun is his only true companion now. He hopes things are better for Pete and Vegas. Now whenever Kinn buys him expensive gifts, he feels a pang of guilt and shame within him. As if he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't belong there. He was handed over something he never should've had. Kinn. He can let himself down but not Kinn. Not the man who hugged him and wiped his tears while tending his wounds when he was bleeding himself. The one who embraced him everytime he came back after running away. Who told him he loves him. Who told him he's beautiful. Who looks after Porchay like no one else does. When he had trouble sleeping after the shootout, Kinn had stayed up and soothed him. When he was unable to do something because of fear and insecurity Kinn had made him feel like he was at home. He barely had a chance to see Pete and Vegas after the shootout but when he visited them at the hospital he had seen how Pete had cared for Vegas and despite being under anesthesia Vegas had reached out for Pete's hands. That was the love Kinn had showered on him but never recieved it back fully. While going through some old stuff at Main family manor he had found an old family album. It held pictures of the family in important events like first step of the kids, first day to school. Mostly something that was personal and  intimate to the family. There was Tankhun who seemed surprisingly organised and disciplined in each picture. Kim who seemed like a quiet, little genius. And Kinn who was.... Innocent and happy. There were pictures of the siblings as they painted Kim with colours rather than the papers infront of them. That had made him laugh. Then more pictures of the boys with their parents. One picture of the family with Tankhun carefully sitting on Korn's right, Kinn beside him who was gently leaning on his mother who held a baby Kim on his lap. A picture of Kinn with a puppy. Porsche kind of stole that picture away from the album to keep it in his wallet. And towards the end a picture of the Korn and the boys... Also Tawan. Kinn was smiling like Porsche had never seen him smile before. It was from Kinn's graduation day. That night after Kinn fell asleep Porsche had cried to himself quietly while holding Kinn's picture with the puppy. He wished he could see that Kinn. The one before he was the head of the Main family. He also found one with a young Vegas. He had sent the photo to Pete on message. He only wished the next day to he perfect. It would be Kinn's birthday.