Wines And Guns

42.

Porsche held his brother in a tight hug as he kept apologising repeatedly for not being there when Namphueng got a stroke. He couldn't imagine Porchay handling this situation all alone by himself. He was still a kid was was assuring him that it was okay. He didn't know what to do anymore. He was trying to look after both Kinn and his mother and was failing miserably. He took a glance at his mother who laid quiet. He wondered how much more pain she had to endure in this lifetime. At the moment he could either be Kinn's boyfriend or Namphueng's son. But he could never bring himself to choose between both of them. He had left Kinn all alone in the hospital without much explanation which felt wrong to do especially after the recent attack. He was too paranoid to leave anyone alone. He feared that in his absence...

He sat all alone in his office. It hurt to see his mother in that condition and to stay away from her but the doctor had advised her to rest for as long as possible. His once so loving and warm mother who was the only person he used to feel so happy and safe around seemed to be drifting away from him. Growing up he had stayed up nights when he held Porchay and cried quietly. He mostly preferred keeping his tears to himself though. One moment he was happy with his parents and the next moment he was all alone in the hospital with his uncle telling him that both his parents were dead. He still remembered the first night when he had returned home after being discharged from the hospital. The house was extremely quiet. His uncle had led him upstairs to his room and assured him that he'll be downstairs incase the boys needed anything. Porsche had felt like every nerve in his body was freezing due to fever and the extreme winter outside. He had wanted nothing more than to run up to parents and stay in their arms forever. He woke up sometime during the night due to Porchay crying. He was inconsolable. He was searching for their mother and couldn't understand where she was gone. His uncle had carried Porchay outside to help Porsche sleep in peace but he couldn't do that. Seeing and hearing his brother cry like that had made him realise that he was going to stay alone like that for years to come. He had bit his hand while he laid on the bed sobbing and wondering why he was the unlucky one to survive the crash.

"Porsche?"

He looked up and was shocked to see Kinn standing infront of him.

"Kinn... What are you doing here? Why are you not at-"

"It was just a cut. The doctor has instructed me not to make any harsh or quick movements but I managed to convince him to discharge me. It was just a cut afterall".

He walked over and kneeled infront of Porsche who was sitting on the couch looking nervous.

"You shouldn't have done that Kinn. You are supposed to stay in bed and rest. Sorry for running away earlier."

"No Porsche what are you even saying... How are you? How's your..."

"The doctor has kept her under supervision. I don't know why this has happened all of a sudden... Maybe her earlier collapse was some sort of a symptom. I should'nt have been so careless about this".

Kinn could see Porsche's eyes which were filled with pain and regret. It was sickening to watch Porsche try to surpress his feelings like that much worse than it hurt to see Porsche cry. He brought his hands up to gently cup Porsche's face and kissed his forehead. He continued pressing soft kisses as he caressed the back of the man's head. It felt like he was seeing himself in Porsche again. The feeling of hopelessness and sorrow. The feeling that you didn't do enough. He couldn't even think of the times when his own mother had passed and it was years ago. He could imagine Porsche's pain. He wanted Porsche to rather cry it out than keep it in. Seeing Porshe in this condition filled him with known dread. A horrible thought entered his mind at the moment, what if he himself was the reason why Porsche was now so hesitant to open up and show his emotions, especially crying. He had been so harsh and cruel to Porshe earlier when he was in an emotionally vulnerable state. He had yelled and hurt Porsche multiple times. And at moments he had abandoned Porsche in that broken condition to suffer all alone. He still had the messages and voice recordings that Porsche had sent him during the time when he had broken up with Porsche. His voice was thick with emotions as he struggled to apologise and beg Kinn to forgive and come back to him. He felt disgusted with himself for what he had done to Porsche. He couldn't understand how he brought himself to hurt the man who had done nothing but love and support him all this time. Khun had told him everything that happened when he was gone in that trip. He could imagine Porsche in that condition and it made his heart ache. Porsche had been so hurt and lost. He had cried for hours yet he had been vile enough to not even hug the man and apologise properly after he had returned. Everytime he had opened up infront of Porsche he had recieved nothing but warmth, love, open arms and constant reminders that he wasn't alone but everytime Porsche had tried to open up to him he got nothing but coldness in return. Kinn had to admit that he was pretty bad at consoling and comforting people. But he knew the language of anger and short temper which is what had led him to kick out and even break up with Porsche who gave him multiple chances to fix his mistake even though he had absolutely not deserved those in that situation. He thought of the way Porsche had weakly hugged him with his bandaged arms, if Porsche had hurt himself in that first place it was Kinn's own fault.